Journey of a Lifetime

New Blog Address!

2011-05-24T13:37:00.000-04:00

I wanted to have the option for people to subscribe via email to this blog and found that Word Press has that option. So, follow me now on Amy's Journey to Health.

It's a fresh new blog where I'm hoping to grow and learn on this journey and take you along with me! :) Hope to see you there!!

One day at a time...

2011-05-02T15:46:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to make short term goals that are challenging but achievable. I know that by setting intentions for each day I will get closer and closer to my long term goals. Thank you Jane for reminding me to take it one day at a time. :) Long term goals are good, but it's easy to lose focus and feel defeated. For now, my goal is to move for 30 minutes every day.

As a part of this 30 minutes a day I've decided to kind of try some new, but not really new, things. I'm doing the Couch to 5K program (C25K) right now because I really want to be a runner. It's great exercise, but it's also a good way to meet both my short and long term goals. The program is 3 days a week for 9 weeks. So, my goal is to do it Monday's, Wednesday's and Friday's. It's about 30 minutes and it integrates jogging intervals along with walking. Perfect for beginning runners! I've got one week under my belt so far, and tonight starts week two.

Last week I did the C25K only. Which means I did 30 minutes of cardio Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. This week my goal is to do the C25K Mon, Wed, Fri as well as elliptical Tues and Yoga Thursday. Cross training is important for runners because it helps you build important muscle and endurance. Also, I get bored so mixing it up is good for me. :)

At the end of the 9 weeks I have a 5K I want to do. The goal is to be able to run it from start to finish, but, I know that I can do a 5K regardless so, if I happen to not be at that level yet, I'll run as much as I can. I'll also be looking for other races to do in the summer and fall to keep up with my long term goal in 2012.

For now, I'm focusing on today. Today my goal is to do Week 2 Day 1 of Couch to 5K. My plan is to go home after work, change into my workout clothes and hit the pavement. I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow. :)

This is hard...

2011-04-20T15:37:00.000-04:00

Every day is a struggle. A battle of wills. I want to eat what I want when I want. I want to skip the gym. And even when I go to the gym, I struggle to make it through 30 minutes and find myself desperate to get off the dang machine...

I feel good after hitting the elliptical or treadmill. I feel accomplished. I like seeing just how many calories I've burned off. But it is a struggle, day in and day out to just do it.

Right now I'm focusing on getting at least 30 minutes 5 days a week. For right now, that is a huge goal! Eventually I want to be at 60 minutes 6 days a week. But right now the thought of that literally brings me to tears. I don't know why, but I'm working on that too.

I really, really, really want to do the Disney Princess Half in 2012. That is a huge goal also! It will take dedication, training, and losing a lot of this weight to be successful.

But when I focus on that, I again want to cry. It seems impossible. I feel alone, and I often feel like a failure because I am struggling so much. I'm working on making better food choices every day, every meal. I'm working on making exercise a priority, and even more than that, a lifestyle.

But dang this is hard. I know that I can do it, but I don't know if I WILL do it. If that makes sense. Am I capable? Yes. Do I have the tools? Yes. Do I have the willpower and determination? Yes. Will I put that willpower and determination to use? I just don't know. One day at a time...

Full steam ahead!! :)

2011-03-26T11:08:00.000-04:00

Since re-starting my journey, or more accurately, getting myself back in gear, I'm already down 3 pounds! It's been rough, but each day it gets just a little bit easier. Trying to make good choices, do away with negative thinking, and keep a healthy balance in all areas of my life. It really does make a difference! :)

Here I go... Again. Day 1 :)

2011-03-23T15:29:00.000-04:00

October 2009 was an incredible month. It was the month I was contacted by the Dr. Oz show and flew to NYC to tape a life changing segment. I weighed 364 pounds and my waist was more than 60 inches... Not a good place to be for someone desperately wanting to be a mom.

Today, I have come a long way from the woman I was that fateful October day (the 21st to be exact). I lost over 70 pounds, and about 15 inches, and then... life happened. I wasn't prepared for the emotional turmoil. Nancy constantly tried to get me to analyze and understand the emotions behind my over eating. What was I feeling in the moment? I'm beginning to see that this truly is the key to overcoming this weight struggle. I'm not there yet, meaning I don't truly understand all the whys behind my eating. But I do know that I have deep seated issue with feeling good enough, worthy, worthwhile.

Living through an emotionally abusive marriage I allowed a lot of hurt and pain into my life. I allowed it because I honestly felt that not only would I not find anything better, I didn't feel I deserved any better. Five months ago I made an enormous decision to leave that marriage. I got to the point where I knew that whether I ended up being single the rest of my life I could not live the way I had been any longer.

Since leaving I have been happier than I ever thought possible. I have discovered boundaries, and yes, even a smidge of backbone along the way. I have discovered that true love does not seek to put down but to lift up. True love brings out the best in you, it doesn't make you afraid, it doesn't make you feel worthless. True love allows you to be you as you are right at that moment.

So, here I am, five months later, realizing that health and wellness is DEFINITELY not an option, it's a necessity. I have to live healthy, and whole, and free. I can't be chained down by pounds of hurt. I know it's going to be a long road, but since I've already travelled it successfully once I KNOW I CAN DO THIS.

It's gonna be hard. It's gonna be painful. It's gonna be the best damn thing I've ever done! :)

So here's to Day 1 of the rest of my life. I've managed to keep off about 20 pounds since October 2009. And I'm taking one day at a time, one pound at a time. I'll get there. And I'll do it in a way that works for me, and allows me to be me, just healthier. :)

Where to Begin...

2011-03-18T10:34:00.000-04:00

The Princess Half didn't happen. I didn't train, and I procrastinated and I let myself down. I've come a long way since October 2009, but I still have so far to go. It's been a year since I've been completely on board with this whole health and wellness thing and that disappoints me. How do I find the motivation, the desire, the determination?

I've learned a lot about myself over the past several months and one thing is certain. My weight does not define me as a person. I have allowed it to dictate my self-worth for far too long. I have allowed other people to use me, abuse me, take me for granted, tell me I'm worthless, and much more all because I allowed my identity and self worth to be wrapped up in my body type. Not only did I allow it, I believed it.

Here is what I know today... I am giving, loving, kind, sincere, and yes, even beautiful. I know that I am not perfect, and I am learning to allow myself to make mistakes. The most important thing I am learning is boundaries and standing up for myself. It's definitely a work in progress, but I will get there. Because I am worth it.

Something else I've learned is that food really is my drug of choice. And like an addict, I have hurt people I love because of my addiction. I'm still working on the recovery, and it is a day at a time, minute at a time kind of thing. But I am also learning that I need to reach out to those I have hurt and apologize for doing so. Most of the time it was unintentional, but there are people I have hurt intentionally though my motive was not to hurt but to test. Not that it makes it any better... I hurt them. I wanted to see how true the friendship was, and did it in a sick way rather than a healthy way. And I've lost friendships because of it.

I hope that one day those relationships can be restored... I hope that one day I can fully recover from this addiction to food. I think I'm on my way... the emptiness and void I used to use food to fill is slowly filling with healthy love and healthy choices. So there is hope, even though I feel like I've wasted a lot of time getting here, I have to focus on the positive. One day at a time.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2011-01-03T11:10:00.000-05:00

So I'm less than two months away from my first ever half marathon and I'm officially freaking out... I am no where near as prepared as I should be, and my training has not exactly been happening. BUT, I'm not out yet! This week begins my new training program where my goal is to not get swept.

I've also started using Shakeology by Beachbody. You can check it out here. It has been a great meal replacement for breakfast as I've found mornings to be an issue for me since moving. I just can't seem to get myself ready in time to cook. LOL They also have some great workouts which I'm going to be trying in the coming months to help break out of the monotony and burn some fat! :)

This stage of transition seems to be smoothing out. I'll be moving again in about 4 more weeks (yes, again!) and I think once that's done I will feel more settled. I'll have my own space with all my stuff out of boxes LOL

Over the past few months it's been increasingly clear how important it is to surround yourself with giving, supportive, honest, caring people who love, challenge, motivate, and hold you accountable. This is of course opposed to having people in your life who, intentionally or otherwise, sabbotage, tear down, and feed into your insecurities...

As I move into the new year, and a new life really, I am overwhelmed by how little I valued myself... I allowed people and things in my life that were not healthy because I felt I didn't deserve any better, and thought I'd never find any better. Boy was I wrong! I deserve only the best, and I deserve to have love and respect and joy as much as the next person. Little by little I'm peeling away those insecurities and allowing my vulnerabilities to be exposed and raw and open... I'm healing from the inside out. :) And the funny thing is... it's showing up physically in pounds lost. Interesting how it all ties together! ;)

time flies

2010-12-26T12:54:00.001-05:00

So, I've been MIA for a while, but things are going really well. I've started dropping pounds again and have lost about 10 more pounds in the last couple weeks. A few things have contributed to this I think... Work has been insane and I literally don't have time to eat (not good) but also, I'm not feeling the desire to eat like I used. I find that I want to eat when I'm hungry, and when I'm not I don't. This is a new concept for me... I think a lot of it has to do with emotions.

I felt trapped for so long... I wasn't able to be me. My only escape was food because I couldn't let on how bad things really were. I didn't even realize how bad things were. I've learned a lot these last few months and it's been a really good thing. I'm discovering what true love, commitment, and caring really are and it's been incredible.

I hope everyone has had a wonderful holiday, and has a safe and happy New Year. :)

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda...

2010-11-29T15:37:00.000-05:00

In this phase of my life I find myself reflecting on decisions and choices over the last days, months, and even years... The only constant in my life these days are my loving family and my great job. And they have both been lifesavers! However, I am nowhere near where I wanted to be or even thought I'd be at this point.

I am separated, living with family, and turning to food way more than I should, and frankly more than I even want to... It's just such a habit even still. I have gained a lot of the weight back and that is BEYOND frustrating. I'm so mad at myself for allowing food to continue to control me. I should be SO much further than this in my journey.

But then I stop and think... In the last year or so since being on Dr. Oz I've moved three times, lost my job, got a new job, had two family members in the hospital due to serious illness, separated from my husband, had to give my dog to a new owner, and downsize all of my belongings into 4 storage tubs and some reusable bags... Not an easy year by any stretch of the imagination, but it certainly could have been worse.

How do I get past the urge to eat when my life feels out of control. Even though several of those life events were due to choices I made, the ramifications had lasting effects and even a few unknown consequences. Not that I'd change any of those choices, but I would change my reaction to the stress and emotion of it all.

The last four and a half weeks specifically have been very tough on my eating. I've been living in a transition of sorts as I figure out what I'm doing and of course, eating out has been a LOT easier than trying to plan, shop, and cook. However, I feel like crap, and I'm gaining weight and I DON'T LIKE IT ONE BIT!

So today I'm taking back my health and wellness! I'm writing down everything that goes in my mouth. I'm being planful and taking the necessary few minutes to ensure that I'm prepared for snack attacks and boredom. I'm going to go for a walk/jog tonight too and I'm actually looking forward to it. :)

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

I AM DOING THIS!

I'm still alive!!

2010-11-15T14:49:00.000-05:00

It's been way too long since my last post, but that's because a lot has happened in my life and I just have not been able to take the time write... well, I guess I have chosen to other things instead because for once I just was not sure what to write at all.

I've had some very big life changes over the past few weeks, and I'm still adjusting to them as well as to a few more to come. It has been extremely difficult, but all in all my life has never been better.

Food has been a real struggle though... mostly because I've been on the go and having to eat out more. But I'm getting back into a routine, and looking forward to my half marathon in a few months.

I've been very sick with a massive sinus/upper respiratory infection for about 6 weeks now. It's made it nearly impossible to work out and train. But as I slowly begin to feel better I'm incorporating more and more activity into my life and will back on track in no time.

Thank you for all of the love while I was MIA. :) I'm going to do my best to blog at least once a week if not 2-3 times a week. It's so good for me! :)

Goals, motivation, and moving forwad

2010-10-11T11:26:00.000-04:00

As some of you know it's been a little rough for me the past few months in terms of staying on track. Life can really get in the way of your best intentions! I've done a lot of thinking and praying about this and I know that I'm not giving up. I'm going to get to my end goal, and I'm going to be healthy and fit. It's just going to take some time, and I'm not really able to predict how long because I honestly don't know.

I do know that I can do my best to set realistic, achievable goals for the short term and the long term that will help me along in this journey to health and wellness. And I also know that these goals will help me stay motivated and keep moving forward, even if it is at a snails pace. :)

We're in the countdown to the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. Only 6 more days! I haven't gotten in the training I was hoping for due to sinus infection and life in general, but my goal still stands. My goal is to jog the entire race and to finish faster than my last 5K at less than 48 minutes (I'd really like to see it less than 45 minutes!).

My next goal is to run a 5k on the November 6th for the American Diabetes Association. Again, I want run the whole thing, and shave off time (even if it's just a few seconds).

I got a little ambitious and signed up for a 15K for the following weekend! I'm a little nervous about this one, but know that I have plenty of training time in front or me, and I also know that it will be a good preparation for the half marathon in February. For the 15K my goal is to run the whole thing (9.3 miles) and try to average a 16 minute mile pace. If I can do that, I think it will help my fears of being swept at the half. :)

To achieve these goals I've done a couple different things. First, I've started the Couch to 5K program and also downloaded an app to train for the half. Apart from the last 2 weeks, I've gone jogging 5-7 days a week about 2 miles each time. Also, to help with the endurance part for the longer runs I've planned, I've started using my elliptical. Yesterday I did 5 miles! And I did it in 75 minutes which is approximately a 15 minute mile pace! I really like have the milage goal on the elliptical rather than a time goal like I used to do because I can control how long it takes me to do the miles. :)

I've still got so far to go, but I'm feeling pretty positive that I will get there. I have a lot of bad habits, wrong thinking, and negativity to overcome and it's going to take some time to do that. Here's to changing my life one day at a time!

The Dreaded Scale!

2010-09-29T09:10:00.000-04:00

My scale and I have not been seeing eye to eye for some time now... I admit, I have not held up my end of the bargain as well as I should be. But really? Does it have to be so traumatic to step on a scale? Why do I equate the scale with success or failure rather than how I'm feeling physically? I feel great! I've been running more than I thought possible, I've been more consistent lately than before. And yet, I step on the scale and see that?!?

So how do I go from panic attacks prior to weigh in to just looking at the number as one data point of many in calculating my success? How do disassociate the emotion from the scale?

I know that the number is important, but I also know that it is not the ONLY measure of my success (at least intellectually I get that, but not so much on the emotional level). Ugh... Just gotta keep trying!

I am me

2010-09-26T11:08:00.000-04:00

I find that I compare myself to just about anyone and everyone. The problem with that is that I never match up. I'm never as fast, as quirky, as funny, as cute, as creative, as slim, as perky, as (insert random attribute/quality here). I do this more than I even realize. For every instance that I recognize this behavior there are probably 10+ others I don't. It has become almost like a part of my nature.

But I'm getting to the point in this journey and in my life that I don't want to be like anyone else. I am me. I am beautiful, smart, loving, caring, giving, funny, creative, inclusive, thoughtful, and more. Before today I would never have written that, and definitely wouldn't have spoken it aloud because I would have thought it to be arrogant. But I am not arrogant, I am definitely fallible and for every one of those qualities there are others that I need to work on and improve to be the woman God intended me to be.

I am not going to lose weight as fast as this person or that. I am going to lose it as fast as I am able to. I am not going to "get it" and overcome this food addiction in the same way or time frame as someone else, but I am going to do it the perfect amount of time for me. Because I am me.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made to be just who I am. I was not a mistake. Every step I take in this life was pre-ordained by God, and I can only follow Him and do my best. I am no one else, and I answer to no one other than my Heavenly Father. Because I am me. And that is good enough.

Breaking the Guilt Cycle

2010-09-21T08:58:00.000-04:00

This weekend was a rough one for me emotionally. I've been dealing with some issues and it's just been very tough. I tend to be an emotional eater when I feel trapped, misunderstood, and/or out of control of the situation. This weekend was no exception.

I made some very poor choices in the midst of my good ones and today I'm feeling very guilty. I think the guilt is because tomorrow is weigh day and I don't want to disappoint Nancy or myself. I am still trying to figure out how to change my thinking toward food when I'm in the middle of an emotional "crisis" and all I want to do is eat.

It really bothers me that I can't just do it already. It seems simple enough... follow the food plan Nancy and I created for the week, exercise 5 days minimum, weigh in and see results... I can't seem to just do it though. I know the issues are deeper than that, and that if it really were that simple no one would be obese... and yet, I expect myself to do it because I know how to do it.

I want to be more positive and cut myself slack, but then I worry that if I am too lenient I'll just let myself do anything, but I don't want to be too hard on myself, and so they cycle continues.

I need this. I need God to open my eyes and heart to the true "why" and to help me walk in freedom from this addiction to food. I obviously can't do it on my own, and it's really hard to let it go.

Actions speak louder than words

2010-09-17T12:53:00.001-04:00

In my last post I told all of you that I wanted to run some 5K's and build up to February's Princess Half Marathon. Well, I'm not just talking about it! I signed up for the October 17th Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K and have pledged not just to run, but to try to raise $100.00 for the cause. I also signed up for the Florida Hospital Celebration Health 5K & 10K on November 14th. I am running both for a total of 9.3 miles! Kinda scared, but excited too! Lastly (for now at least) I officially signed up to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon on February 27th! Very excited about this one, and know that WHEN I accomplish it, it will be absolutely incredible!

The best part of all this "talking" about running is that it has led to other people wanting to train with me and join me in the Race for the Cure 5K! My mom and I are going to do the Couch to 5K training 5 days a week (since we only have 4 weeks instead of 9 this works great) and my brothers girlfriend is going to do 3 of those 5 days with us. We're all going to do the race together! I'm so excited!!! I have a little support group going. :-)

Once I finish the C25K I also have a half marathon training regimen I am going to start. My mom may join me with that too which would be awesome! If you have any tips on gearing up for a race I would love to have them!

So far, my actions are matching my words. As I finish these races and achieve my goals, they will definitely be much louder! :)

5K's, 10K's, Half-marathons... Oh my!

2010-09-12T21:34:00.000-04:00

Lately I can't help thinking about why things feel so different in terms of weightloss than they did when I first began this journey. Obviously a big one is that the "honeymoon" stage is over. :) Can't really fix that, but, there are other things. When I was in my first 12 weeks of this journey I had very specific fitness goals. At first it was walk 30 minutes a day. Then I decided I wanted to do a 5K and so I began incorporating running into my walks. Then I found out that the Oz crew was coming and hosting my very own 5K and things got very serious! LOL

Basically, that whole time I had a goal in mind. The last several months I have had goals, but it hasn't seemed the same. I haven't had a race to prepare for, or TV appearance to motivate me. I've just had real life... and I lost some of that passion and drive because I didn't have that end goal.

Well, I do now! I decided that I am going to run the Race for the Cure 5K. Last year when Scott and I walked it I had just come back from NYC and the beginning of my new life. I told myself that day that next year I'd run it. Well, it's next year! So, I'm going to train to run that 5K.

My biggest ambition is to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February. This is very scary for me. You have to keep a 16 minute mile or you get "swept". Also, if I don't train seriously, I'll be setting myself up for failure. I am worried about investing all this time (and money) and not finishing, BUT I'm not going to let fear stop me! I'm going to run it and I'm going to focus on the finish line.

In preparation for the half marathon I'm heading over to Track Shack tomorrow to have a gait analysis done and check out the shoe wall. I'm in desparate need of new running shoes so I'll be purchasing a new pair ASAP. Also, in addition to the Race for the Cure, I've found some local 5 and 10K's between now and the half marathon that will help me to prepare physically.

My confidence is, quite honestly, not that high. I'm hoping that by accomplishing some of these smaller fitness goals my confidence will soar back to where it was and beyond. Since the honeymoon is over, I have to figure out how to make this my daily life because that's the only way I'll be truly successful!

It's all in your head...

2010-09-08T12:03:00.000-04:00

From Day 1 Nancy and Dr. Oz have said this weight loss journey would be a mental shift as well as a physical one. I thought I knew what they were talking about, and in some ways I guess I did. I knew that my eating was more mental than physical, but I didn't realize how much I was subscribing to the whole "just eat less and work out more" mentality.

If that's all it took, I'd so be there! But it's not that simple. Yes, in order to lose weight you have to eat less calories and exercise more. But the only way to do that with long term results is get to the bottom of WHY you are eating in the first place. I still haven't cracked that one for myself, but I'm starting to.

I like to eat to deal with stress, insecurity, anger, bitterness, and fear. Notice a trend? It's all negative! When I'm happy, joyous, celebratory, and calm my mind does not wander to food. I usually want to share that time with my family and loved ones. When I'm feeling stressed, insecure, angry, bitter, scared, etc I want to be alone... and I want to eat. ALONE. I do not like to overeat in front of people. I actually don't like eating in front of people in general.

When I'm feeling down I withdraw and I turn to food. I thought this was because I found comfort in food, but I've realized that is not the case... I find solace in food that I am what I thought I was. A failure, worthless, and undeserving of happiness. I have struggled with self-esteem for most of my life. I have definitely gotten better at valuing myself and realistically acknowledging that I am worth while.

But in my darkest times, in my saddest moments it feels as though all those things I know to be true about myself fly out the window. And so I eat. And confirm the fact that I'm no good. And then I feel worse, and eat some more, and the hoplessness and vicious cycle continue.

This weekend the Lord showed me that I do deserve to be happy. He created me. And He makes no mistakes. He wants me to rejoice and be joyful no matter my situation or circumstances. In my darkest times and in my brightest times I am to worship Him and rejoice.

And it struck me... I need to learn to be content. In the moment. In any situation. I need to be content and greatful for all that I have been given. Only then can I know true joy. Being skinny won't make me happy. Being a mom won't make me happy (as hard as that is to say). Only He can bring true joy and I need to derive my joy from Him.

Turn it around!

2010-09-02T12:40:00.000-04:00

I realize my post yesterday only shared the negative side of what I've been facing. I want to take a few posts to show you what I'm doing to turn those negatives around! Today I'm going to address the first two of my saboteurs!

1. Not Following the 5 Rules: Dr. Oz advocates that there are 5 foods to avoid to achieve and maintain a healthy weight and lifestyle. No sugar, no high fructose corn syrup, no trans fat, no saturated fat, and nothing enriched.

If you have ever looked at labels you will notice that the majority of processed foods have all of those ingredients! That's because they make the food last longer on the shelf, and of course make it extra tasty. :) It takes some time and some digging to find the foods that do not have those in the first 5 ingredients, or even at all. But it's so worth it! I firmly believe that my cycles got normal so quickly because I eliminated those from my diet. These days I have added a little here and a little there, but I need to get back to basics!

2. Eating Out: My husband and I really enjoy eating out. That can be hard when you're trying to learn how to eat healthy because the temptations are right there for taking! What I've found that helps me is to plan ahead. I would decide where we wanted to go and then look online for the nutritional information. Now, I'm not so sure how accurate the information is, but I figured it was better than nothing. I would find 2-3 options that I could choose to enjoy so that once we got to the restaurant I would be prepared. Lately I've just ignored my inner voice and ordered whatever I wanted regardless of the nutritional value. To combat that, I'm trying to eat out less, and cook more.

Now, if your schedule is anywhere near as crazy as mine then cooking every day is not only overwhelming, but near impossible. So, I decided to try an experiment this week with my cooking. On Sunday I was in a cooking frenzy! I prepared Scott's and my breakfasts (egg white omelets) so that all we had to do was heat and go in the mornings. I also made huge pot of lentil soup that I portioned into individual servings for lunches. And then I made 4 nights worth of chicken, prepared with a yummy coconut milk sauce, for our dinners that I would serve with a frozen bag of veggies. This way, my cook time was about 15 minutes tops, rather than 30-60 minutes every night. Since we don't get home until 930pm, this was a lifesaver! We're still working on the dinner thing though, because that's just too late to be eating a full dinner. But I'll let you know what I come up with!

Slow and Steady Wins the Race... right?

2010-09-01T09:42:00.001-04:00

Nancy told me from Day 1 that I would need to take baby steps in order to make giant leaps in health and wellness. Slow and steady wins the race! But even "slow" implies forward movement and progress. For the last 8 months I've hovered around the same 10 pounds, gaining and losing, gaining and losing with virtually no forward movement or progress. I've learned a lot, but now I need to start applying what I've learned.

Nancy had me come up with the Top 10 Things Keeping Me From Success. Usually when I get these type of assignments I struggle to come up with half of what I've been asked. But this time I knew I needed to get to the bottom of this, and I put a lot of time and prayer into it and this is what I came up with in literally about 10 minutes:

10 Reasons I’ve Not Been Successful
1. Not following the 5 Rules
a. No Sugar
b. No HFC Syrup
c. No Trans Fats
d. No Saturated Fats
e. Nothing Enriched

2. Eating out (and making poor choices)
a. Chicken Philly
b. Ice Cream
c. French Fries
d. Mushroom Swiss Angus Burger Meal (McD’s)
e. Frappuccino’s
f. Goldfish, chocolate, candy, chips,

3. Not being honest
a. I gained another 3 pounds this week and weigh 313.8 as of this morning… but I led Nancy to believe that I was in the 290’s for several weeks…(*it's taking everything I have not delete this bullet
b. Tell other people, and Nancy that I have been doing well, that I’m eating what I should be when I really have not
c. Binging, and not exercising.

4. Not being vigilant/consistent
a. Waiting until day or two before weigh day to be “good”

5. Not focused
a. Made excuses to eat/not exercise

6. Rebellious (want what I want when I want it)
a. Not even emotional, just the thought would strike and I get mad I “can’t have it” so I’d either eat it anyway or binge on something else until my craving subsided

7. Not writing down everything that passes my lips (out of sight, out of mind)
a. I really thought I wasn’t being that “bad”… but the scale showed otherwise, and I know had I written down everything I would have been shocked.

8. Lack of portion control (not measuring, taking seconds, etc)
a. I would both take the correct portion size and then go back for more, or I would just take what I wanted and ignore the fact that it was too much.

9. Not having “emergency” foods on hand to combat the munchies/cravings
a. With moving I allowed my fruit and veggie supply to dwindle and had no carrots or celery to munch on and also very few veggies to add to lunches/dinners to bulk up my meals.

10. Not having and/or not following a daily meal plan
a. Even when I had meal plans I did not stick to them 100%
b. Feel like “I’ve got it” and know what I can/cannot eat… but failing to plan REALLY is planning to fail…

It's difficult to share this in it's entirety because it is the raw, real, honest truth of how I've been operating the last several months. I am very ashamed of my actions and behavior, particularly the dishonesty to the one person who has been by my side since day 1 cheering me on.

Since then, Nancy and I have been going over these one by one and coming up with practical ways to change each of these sabatogers into success builders! My nature is to be so hard on myself, and I'm working on that too. I cannot change the past, but I can make decisions today that can make me successful one minute, one hour, one meal, one day at a time.

As a sweet friend reminded me, the mind and thoughts are very powerful. We need to take EVERY thought captive to the Lord, and we need to redirect our thoughts from the negative to the positive. My goal today is turn each negative thought around and come up with a positive replacement so that I am living in TRUTH rather than in guilt.

Feeling Fat

2010-08-30T10:21:00.000-04:00

Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel fat? Your clothes fit the same, you even weigh the same, but you feel bloated, frumpy, slow, and fat? I'm having one of those days (ok, weeks). My eating is getting back on track, and instead of feeling better I am feeling run down, tired, and just plain crappy. I'm not sure if I'm coming down with something or if it's just that time of the month, but I could really use a boost right now.

What I really want to do is drive home, crawl into bed and wake up in a few days. But, honestly, I know that won't do any good. So, what I'm going to try to do today is focus on this verse:

1 Peter 4:19

"So if you are suffering according to God's will, keep on doing what is right, and trust yourself to the God who made you, for he will never fail you."

I'm going to do what Nancy reminds me to do and that is to trust the process. My body has had to tolerate a lot of things it probably thought I'd eliminated forever. And now it is working to restore balance and functionality to what it should be. So I will keep "suffering" knowing that if I trust God HE will never fail me. :)

Wellness Champion

2010-08-24T13:26:00.000-04:00

My company is in the process of launching a health and wellness initiative to get people thinking about and taking action towards better health. When I heard they were looking for "Wellness Champions" to help lead this effort I knew I had to be involved! I wanted to do it to show other people that they can start living healthy no matter their current health state, but most of all, I thought it would be a great accountability tool for me.

I was so excited for our first meeting, looking forward to meeting the other Wellness Champions and finding out exactly how I could get involved. I got to the meeting room and was instantly deflated. Sitting around the table were about 10 thin, well put together, "healthy looking" women. Not only was I the only overweight person there, but not one of them had even a few pounds to lose... My old self-depricating, self-loathing thought patterns were creeping in and I felt VERY self-conscious and out of place. A very familiar place, and yet still uncomfortable and heart breaking. So, I took a seat and tried to make myself appear as small as I possibly could. If I could have thrown on Harry Potter's invisibility cloak I would have!

I did my best to focus on the conversation rather than on what I thought people might be thinking about me. I was not at all prepared for my reaction! The old me would probably not have joined in the first place, but if I had I would have expected this very scenario! Despite my distraction, I found out a lot of cool information and am very excited about what we will be doing in the coming months. Every now and then I had to literally stop myself, and re-direct my focus to the meeting.

It really bothers me that I am so self-conscious even still. I think that my slacking off and not being diligent to follow the plan has a lot to do with it. I've literally eaten my self-confidence away! I have rebuild my self-confidence and reprogram my mind (again) that I am just as capable, and just as worthy of being a Wellness Coach as any of those ladies in there. Health is not determined by your size, though we all know it is a good indicator skinny does not equal healthy.

What I learned, and am still learning, is that I do have value, and I have every right to share what I've learned so far with other people so they can in turn begin their own journey to health and wellness. I can't let my weight rob me of my passion.

Fighting My Will

2010-08-23T14:05:00.001-04:00

Romans 7:15-25

I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead,

I do what I hate.

But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good.

So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.

I want to do what is right, but I can’t.

I want to do what is good, but I don’t.

I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.

But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong.

I love God’s law with all my heart.

But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind.

This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me.

Oh, what a miserable person I am!

Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?

Thank God!
The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.

So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

This has been for the last several months. I know what I need to do. I know what is good and right. But I do the opposite. I do what I shouldn't do. Since January I have gained and lost, and lost and gained... My total weight loss as of 8/18 was only 52 pounds. It should have been closer to 75, if not 100. I had allowed people to believe that was case also, lying to cover my shame. I hurt someone very close to me, and now I have to rebuild that trust.

For the first time in my life I feel like an "addict". I did whatever I could to get my next "fix". I lied, spent money I didn't have, broke the trust of a dear friend. I am so ashamed and embarrassed that it is exceedingly difficult to even type this.

Since asking for forgiveness, I have felt a relief, because I'm no longer hiding, but also a deep sadness. I have allowed food to control my life and my actions beyond even what I thought was possible. I am still struggling to give that over to God, and with Nancy's help I am working to stick to a regimented plan to get me back on track and seeing the success I need to boost my confidence.

But I'm really struggling to shake this sadness. My first Dr. Oz episode aired last week and I saw how far I had let myself go, and how far I've come since then. People reached out to me, new friends and old, to congratulate me on my success so far and also to cheer me on. But I felt, and kind of still feel, like a fraud. Yes, I have lost 52 pounds and I worked very hard to do so. But I almost let it all go just to eat more.

I have a dear friend and coach who cheers me on and inspires and encourages me daily in so many ways; sacrificing herself for my benefit. I received an amazing gift of a top of the line piece of equipment, I could never have gotten on my own, as a reward for my hard work but also to spur me on. I have perfect strangers looking up to me for support and inspiration. And despite all of that, I just didn't care enough not to eat. I wanted it so I ate it. And now I'm paying the price as I try to rebuild relationships, reboot my body, re-engage my mind and spirit.

Nancy asked me why I felt I did these things, why I feel I can't lose the weight. My first response was "I'm not worth it". She begged to differ, pointing out all of the reasons I should know and believe I am worth it. And she is right. I do know that. But I think what I felt was that because of my actions I don't deserve it. I've taken people and things for granted so why should I deserve it?

Then it hit me... I'm living and acting as though I can control this on my own. I'm not giving it to God, and asking Him to help me with this burden, this thorn in my side. As Paul says in the scripture above, It is not me, it is the sin in me. Here I am, 10 months into this journey, and I'm still trying to learn things that I've been trying to learn since day 1. I had allowed myself to become cocky, and think I had it all down. And so I allowed a bite of this and a taste of that, until it became a plate of this and a cup of that. I kept telling myself that I'd be really "good" this week and then I'll get to where I want to be so I don't have to say that I've gained x amount of pounds. But that number never got to where it should have been because my actions were never what they should have been.

And here I am. On my knees. Asking for forgiveness. From my family, my friends, my Coach Nancy, and also from myself. I'm very good at beating myself up and holding myself to impossible standards. I'm trying to forgive myself, and learn from this so that in the next 10 months and beyond I can have a different story to tell. One of being an overcomer. One of achieving health and wellness (despite myself!). And one of Hope.

We are Moving! Again...

2010-08-04T12:23:00.001-04:00

Scott and I have had financial difficulties our entire relationship. Between old debts, new debts, etc it was something we knew we had, and wanted to work on together. We have not done a great job of working on our finances, and with each of us losing our jobs 6 months apart and then taking several weeks each to find new jobs we've taken a beating in the finance realm. Add to that some other issues, and you have yourself a financial planners nightmare. :)

We both have dreamed on one day owning a home of our very own. However, we thought it would just be a dream for many years to come. Then Scott found this great community with an amazing opportunity for us to own our own home. I thought, sure, why not? We can go look, it won't hurt anything... not really expecting anything to come of it.

We saw a beautiful brand new home, never lived in, great floorplan and dream kitchen. I fell in love with it, and thought, one day maybe we'll get a house like this. We went through the application process, thanked the Sales Manager and went on our way. I had no expectation of anything coming of it. In my mind there was no way we would get approved, so I didn't even hope.

Well, fast forward a few days and not only were we approved, but if we moved by this week they would even buy us out of our apartment lease! I was floored. So we scrambled around trying to get the deposit money arranged, and get it all in order. We're packing up our apartment and will be in our home this weekend!

We're having some issues with our apartment complex in that they don't want to cooperate with our buyout... but we're trusting God to do His thing and know that it will all work out.We have some helpers for loading up the truck on Friday, and are praying for some volunteers to help us on Saturday or it's going to be a REALLY long day for us! LOL

Baby Steps

2010-07-23T09:52:00.001-04:00

Well, vacation was wonderful!

First day at the condo :)

We relaxed, enjoyed the beach and especially the time with my family. I brought tons of healthy foods, and I made the best plans to stay "good". I must admit that I ate a LOT of things I shouldn't have. However, it could have been WAY worse, and I'm trying to celebrate the small successes and victories I had in my good choices, and learn from my not so good choices.

I made time to work out and did it in a fun way. While we were in the pool I treaded water like I was drowning. We also played a fun game of pool "volleyball" which was so much fun. I took walks on the beach as well as treking through our massive hotel. And my brother, husband and I swam laps for a while in the indoor pool.

So, how did I do on weigh day???? Not so great. I gained 3 pounds. BUT, I am not devestated.

If you remember, the last two times I "fell off the wagon" I gained 5 pounds. This time, I was more intentional, sometimes I intentionally ate badly though LOL. But I think I made some really good substitutions, and made some really good choices. Could I have done better? Absolutely! Obviously if I had stuck to my plan and worked out even more I could have stayed the same or even lost weight.

But I'm celebrating the fact that my "failures" are starting to improve, and I'm learning so much about myself. Like I said before, I didn't get to this size in a few months, and I won't get to goal in a few months either. It takes time, and it takes baby steps.

I'd say I took a few baby steps this vacation and I'm hopeful that the next time I'm in this situation my relults are going to be even better!

Sweet Girl! :)

Cousins, Uncles, and Pa-Pa playing on the beach :)

Vacation Time!!!

2010-07-16T08:56:00.000-04:00

Almost every year for as long as I can remember my family has spent a week at the beach over the summer. My parents scrimped and saved so that we could have wonderful time of relaxation and fun in the sun. I can count on one hand the number of years we have not been able to go. It's a Roman family tradition, and one we have all come to enjoy and appreciate very much.

So, needless to say, I'm VERY excited about the fact that Scott and I get to join my family this year for the first 4 days of the Roman Family Vacation!! I'm excited, and yet, apprehensive...

You see, I'm still learning how to say to no to a lot of foods. My first 12 weeks or so on the program I was a fanatic and very hard core. Then real life set in and the honeymoon was over, and I've had a REALLY hard time being consistent, which has also led to less weight loss... ugh...

I know that we will be eating out tonight and Monday night. Tonight is pizza (of course!) and while I know I shouldn't, I am not sure I'm going to be strong enough to say no, and just enjoy a salad... Monday night is Olive Garden so I'm not so worried about that one, except for the dreaded breadsticks. LOL

So, here is my plan... I'm bringing tons of perfectly healthy things along with us so that I'll have options when it comes to snacking and "sweets" (i.e. fruit and/or dark chocolate). I'm also going to talk to my family and ask them to help me stay accountable and not just eat like someone who hasn't seen food in a few years. :)

My goal for this week was lose 4 pounds by Monday, July 19. Frankly, I'm just praying I don't gain. Losing 4 pounds, while on vacation no less, would be unbelievable... Not gaining seems hard enough, but realistic. LOL

So, I'm asking everyone to be praying that I my will will be stronger than my stomach and my eyes! That I won't lose sight of what I want the most for what I want in the moment. And that I can make this a LIFESTYLE and not simply a diet... I HAVE to learn how to live every occassion and every day in a healthy way. I know it won't happen overnight (or even in 7 months!). I have 30+ years of bad habits to overcome... But, it all starts with making the first step... and then the next... and then the next... :)

This is my life... not a diet

2010-07-15T09:52:00.000-04:00

I realized a few days ago that I had the mindset that this was going to get easier. That somehow it would just be my nature and I would "get it"... Because of this attitude I've found myself sabotaging my progress and letting my guard down. Rather than being intentional and vigilant, I've been lackadaisical and oblivious...

If I had kept up a 3 pound a week weight loss from my last Dr. Oz appearance I would be at 238 pounds right now. Even a 2 pound a week weight loss would have been 264 pounds which would be 100 pounds lost. Right now I'm about 30 pounds heavier than that.

Don't get me wrong, I know that losing 70 pounds in 7 months is pretty darn good. And I'm celebrating all of my success, and all that I have learned along the way.

BUT

I cannot allow myself to stand in my own way anymore. I need to FOCUS. I need to be INTENTIONAL. I have to be VIGILANT.

And I have to be all of those things for the rest of my life. Getting to goal weight does not mean the war is over. I think it will have just begun. It's STAYING at goal weight that is the true success. And I can and will get there.

Nancy gave me a great quote that I've been reflecting on a lot lately...

"Don't lose sight of what you want the most for what you want in moment."

And that's just how it is with food. I want something so much in the moment. And when I gratify that desire, I then have the guilt and regret that follow for a lot longer than a moment! I need to learn how to tell myself no for my own benefit. For my own growth and development I have to learn patience and not give in to the automatic instant gratification mode I've lived in for 30+ years...

It's interesting... like a parent who tells their child "no" because they know better, I tend to be the strong willed, rebellious "child", but need to learn how to be the wiser, self-sacrificing "parent" who know what is better for myself and to say no when I need to.

Enough

2010-07-12T11:17:00.000-04:00

I went for a brisk walk with my little dog Maggie last night and decided to take my iPod with me and listen to some worship music. I was walking along enjoying the fresh air and the good music when it hit me during Chris Tomlin's song Enough that I needed to listen to it one more time and really, REALLY listen to it. It applies so well to my food addiction and controlling nature... Here are the words:

All of You is more than enough for all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with Your love

And all I have in You is more than enough

You are my supply

My breath of life

And still more awesome than I know

You are my reward

worth living for

And still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with Your love

And all I have in You is more than enough

You’re my sacrifice

Of greatest price

And still more awesome than I know

You’re the coming King

You are everything

And still more awesome than I know

More than all I want

More than all I need

You are more than enough for me

More than all I know

More than all I can say

You are more than enough for me

It just hit me, smack in the face... He is more than enough for everything I could ever want and need. He is my supply, my breath, my reward, my satisfaction, my EVERYTHING. Or at least He should be. I have replaced all of those with earthly things (mostly food) though. When I am wanting love, attention, support, release, care, etc, etc, etc... I turn to food. It can be healthy food, it can be crappy food, it can be sweet, salty, crunchy, liquid, anything to fill me up. It's gotten to where it's such a habit, or really, an addiction, that it doesn't even cross my mind that this is what I'm doing...

My focus now is to do what Nancy advised when I first started this journy: take EVERY thought captive. Whether it's a negative thought about myself, or if I'm feeling depressed, sad, lonely, happy, celebratory, whatever... Take it captive and really process why I want to eat something in relation to those thoughts... Am I actually hungry, or am I just reacting to the feelings?

I know that this will not happen overnight, BUT it's a huge step in transforming my mind on this journey to transform my body.

Finding some balance...

2010-07-08T16:45:00.000-04:00

For the past week and a half I have had some peace and balance when it comes to eating. I've given it to God, and while I still crave things and think of food a lot, it seems different. I don't feel so alone. I don't feel like I'm working and working and working for nothing.

Last weigh in I lost 4.2 pounds!! So very exciting! :) This week my goal is 3.5. I've taken on a challenge from Nancy where for 3 days I am eating a very strict menu. It's definitely been a challenge, but an empowering one! I can make good choices. When I make a bad choice it does not define me, but it is an opportunity to learn and grow.

I'm feeling more positive about my journey and I think by incorporating more balance into many aspects of my life it is making a world of difference.

Tears and Hope

2010-07-01T16:10:00.000-04:00

I feel like the kid from "The Sixth Sense" except that instead of seeing dead people I see pregnant people! I have recently had several friends find out they are expecting after months, and even years, of trying to conceive. I have always said that I would never begrudge a woman her pregnancy (especially someone who has battled infertility). It doesn't bother me that they are pregnant, that is exciting and fun and so very special; It bothers me that I'm NOT...

Before I met my husband I had resigned myself not only to the single life, but to a childless life. I knew that I would most likely have a hard time getting pregnant because of my PCOS and non-existent periods. I had literally given up my dream of motherhood and forced myself to be "ok" with my life as it was. I wasn't miserable, I had a lot of friends, I was very involved with my church. I basically kept myself so busy I rarely noticed the longing in the deep recesses of my heart to be a wife and mother.

When I met my husband all of that shattered. Very early in our relationship I knew I would marry him, but more than that I desperately wanted a family with him. I wanted (and still do) to make him a daddy. To create a little person with his eyes, my hair, etc... A little piece of the both of us that was a product of the unbelievably amazing love we feel for each other.

But there was a nagging worry even then... what if I couldn't get pregnant?

We talked a lot about it, even from the beginning. Scott always reassured me that no matter what we would have a family. Whether we conceived naturally, through fertility drugs/procedures, or even adoption, we would be parents.

For more than two years we have been trying to have a baby. We have been to fertility specialists, researched foster care and adoption, and pretty much looked into any way we might possibly make our dream come true.

And yet, here we are, still childless...

I have shed many, many, many tears over my inability to get pregnant. I have felt immense guilt and shame because I know my weight is a major factor in our infertility. I have felt alone, scared, angry, misunderstood, and so much more...

Before going on the Dr. Oz show very few people knew about our struggle. When asked when we were going to start our family, we would answer vaguely and change the subject... The reason for our caution was because people can be unkowingly hurtful in their responses, questions, and suggestions...

Like some of the most traumatic things in life, unless you have truly experienced infertility, you cannot truly understand what it does to a woman... a man... a couple...

But through it all, God is still good. He is gracious, protecting, faithful, loving, kind, and good. I am resting in His promises, and in knowing that His timing is perfect, even if I feel like He's running late! :)

If you want to try to better understand infertility and what it is like for a couple dealing with the agony, guilt, despair, and DESIRE... check out this video Tears & Hope.

I know that I was created to be a mother. And I know that in His time I will be one... some days it is much harder to cope with than others. Some nights I cry myself to sleep. Some days it is physically painful to bear the ache of empty arms, and an empty womb... But through it all my God is still GOOD.

More Vain than I Thought! :)

2010-06-30T15:06:00.000-04:00

A lot has happened since my last post. The biggest thing is that I was diagnosed with Basal Cell Carcinoma and had to have a Mohs surgery to have it removed. It was a very difficult time for me as I struggled with the anxiety and fear brought on by the word "cancer". I knew in my head that this was a very easily treated cancer, with a super high success and cure rate. I had one of the best dermatologist surgeons, and was having a very minimally invasive procedure.

But I was FREAKING out!

I think mainly I was worried about having to have my face cut as the basal cell was just above my eyebrow. I have never felt like the most beautiful person, in fact, I rarely feel beautiful. So I do everything in my power to enhance what I got! LOL The knowledge that I could be scarred really scared me. And then, I started feeling like a schmuck because I was I feeling so vain! :)

Here are some pics (sorry if they're too graphic lol):

This was right after they took the first piece. They ended up having to go in a second time because they did not get it all the first time.

This is me feeling pretty swollen the day after the procedure. I still have a tiny bit of swelling and a small bruise, but luckily I did not have a black eye! lol I did have to wear this bandage for a whole week (changing it 2x a day)!!! So I got a lot of questions of course and wore my bangs down a lot lol

Two days after the procedure I was able to take off the bandage. This is what it looked like with the four stitches. I also have internal stitches that will dissolve in the next 4-6 months.

This is me today! I got my stitches out and no longer have to wear a bandage!! Woohoo! LOL It's still a little red and raw looking, but it is going to heal very nicely and I doubt the scar will even be noticable unless you're right in my face :)

So, Just a little update on me. :) I'll be posting another blog soon as lots has been churning in this head of mine. :)

Finally!!

2010-06-21T16:26:00.000-04:00

For the last several weeks I have either lost 1 pound or stayed the same for a total of about 5 pounds lost in the last 6-8 weeks... SO FRUSTRATING!! The last 3-4 weeks I have been much more dilligent in keeping my focus and not straying for "just a bite" here or "just a little taste" there. I haven't been perfect, but hey, who is?

Well today, I finally had a spectacular weigh in!! I lost 3.4 pounds!!! SO EXCITING! I wanted to do a little dance, but I was already running late for work LOL

I feel like I'm getting my groove back. I'm leaving behind my legalistic, all or nothing tendencies for a more gracious mindset. So, rather than beating myself up for those bites and tastes I am acknowledging them and trying to just move on to the next thing without feeling like I've blown it.

Definitely a journey, and rather than worry about how fast I'm getting to the destination I'm trying to enjoy the progress along the way. :)

Never thought I'd say it but...

2010-06-18T08:43:00.002-04:00

I had so much fun trying on dresses for my brothers upcoming wedding! :)

I love shopping, but I hate, and I mean HATE trying on clothes. Nothing ever fits right, and I get all hot and sweaty trying to wrangle myself into this garment or that one... And the worst is when you are with other people trying things on. Ugh... It's so embarrassing having to ask for the largest or next size up. I remember trying on dresses for my wedding and literally drooling over the beautiful gowns before stopping short and realizing they would not come in my size. I was fortunate to find a dress that I loved and that fit (barely), but I cannot honestly say it was my "dream dress".

This shopping trip was exciting because I was curious to see what sizes would fit me since I've lost some weight. I started pulling gowns and daringly pulled a 22 ignoring my instinct to automatically find the largest size available, a 30.

I got to the dressing room with a few different sizes just in case and to my astonishment was not only able to get the 22 on, it even zipped up a couple inches! And for those of you who aren't familiar with bridal store sizes, they can run freakishly small!! LOL I was on cloud 9 trying on about 5 different gowns and loving it when one was too big (a definite first for me).

What I loved most about this experience is that I was able to enjoy the journey without having to focus on the destination. I have a long way to go to get to my goal weight, but I'm trying to find little things here and there to celebrate and enjoy along the way. This was definitely one of those times!

Something else this journey is teaching me is that I can be a very negative person, but I'm learning to be more positive. Celebrating little milestones and accomplishments is way more positive than focusing on the fact that I still have 100+ pounds to lose. It can be frustrating and defeating to focus on that! I'd rather focus on how far I've come and celebrate the things I'm taking back in my life because those things spur me on toward reaching that final goal!

The truth will set you free

2010-06-16T14:15:00.000-04:00

Hi, my name is Amy and I'm addicted to food.

Jesus tells us the truth will set us free, and I've been seeing that to be true in many ways along this weight loss journey. Lies, deceipt, and even ommissions will only get in the way of success. When I am open, honest, and acknowledge my weaknesses only then am able to let it go, seek the help I need, and move to healthier place.

I am addicted to food. I turn to food when I'm happy, sad, celebrating, mourning, bored, busy, etc etc etc. No matter the circumstances or situation my mind is constantly focused on food. When is my next meal/snack, what is it going to be, will there be food left in the breakroom, do I have what I want at home/work... It is all consuming and in a weird way comforting. I love food. I could eat all day from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. I could eat sweets, chips, crackers, cereal, sandwiches, vegetables, fruits, salads, ANYTHING at any time. The weird thing is, I don't want all of this food because I'm hungry. When I'm physically hungry (and not just thirsty or bored) I actually do not feel like eating at times.

Nancy gave me a challenge of sorts in which every day the first thing I need to do is say to myself, my name is Amy and I am a food addict. Then, I am to give it over to God and ask Him to fill me and satiate my hunger, to take away the desire and physical "need" to eat to excess.

Today is the first day I've done this, and I have to say it does make me stop and think about why I want to eat. I had a filling, yummy breakfast and lunch. I treated myself to a square of dark chocolate. And I'm satisfied. I found myself craving something crunchy and salty. I sat there, thinking about this, and said to myself, I'm not hungry, I'm just wanting to eat. Lord, please take away this desire to binge.

And you know what, I was able to focus on something else and will now make it to my appointed snack time without having indulged in something that would have made me feel guilty later.

God is good, and He is seeing me through this one moment at a time.

Focusing on the good

2010-06-11T13:52:00.000-04:00

I'm doing a new Bible Study with Nancy that has a focus on weightloss and God's Goodness. A lot of the questions really make you think about the good things God has done, not just in the bad times, but also in the good times. It has forced me to put a lot of thought into how I think about things and my mentality. I didn't realize just how negative my mindset was! I'm working toward renewing my mind toward a healthier lifestyle, but I never thought about how important it was to also renew my mind toward a healthier, more positive, mindset.

You hear that saying a lot, "God is good all the time! And all the time God is good!" You hear it so much that it becomes cliche and loses it's meaning. God really is good, and EVERYTHING He creates is good. He tells us this in Genesis when He is creating the world. He took stock of all He created and it was GOOD. He doesn't make mistakes, and He knows each of us even before we were a thought...

I have realized that I focus a lot on the negative... I focus on all of the "bad" things going on rather than the good things God is doing. My job is stressful and overwhelming, I can't get pregnant (yet anyway), we're struggling financially (still), my mom is having health issues, and on and on it goes. What I SHOULD be focusing on is that I have my dream job and it has been such a blessing to my husband and I; while we can't get pregnant yet, I am seeing more signs of increased "fertility"; God has provided for our home, our car, and even for some fun things, so even though money is tight, it could be WAY worse; my mom is doing so much better and is healing beautifully... and on and on it goes! :)

So, even if things are looking great for you and your family, don't lose sight of the good things! And if things aren't looking so good (or when things start taking a turn for the worse) don't forget all of the wonderful blessings and good times you have had because God loves us and wants good things for us and we need to cling to Him through EVERYTHING because He is there for us through it ALL.

thoughts and ramblings

2010-05-17T13:55:00.000-04:00

Well, my new weigh in day is Mondays in hopes of helping to control my weekend eating. :) Today I weighed in and found I had lost 2 pounds. So I'm out of the 300's again! Woohoo! :) 298 is not what I was hoping for, but I'll take it.

This is such a struggle for me! I have gotten to this point before in previous diets and I think it's where I always gave up. In the beginning it's easy, and my perfectionist nature prevails. But after a while, my will gets weaker and weaker and I allow a nibble of this and a bite of that until it's a whole pizza or a gallon of ice cream and I'm officially "off the wagon" again.

But, I'm not off the wagon this time and I have to say that having support is the main difference. The struggles and challenges are still there, don't get me wrong, but having someone to be personally accountable to changes things. Knowing that I have to tell Nancy what I ate, or that I gained does help to keep me on track - somewhat. I still have to do the work, and I still have to convince myself that it's worth it somedays.

See, I have only known failure when it comes to weight loss. I'm almost afraid to succeed because then what? What will I focus on if not my weight? And also, I'm finding that there is comfort in blaming my infertility on my weight because what if I get skinny and STILL can't get pregnant? Then what?!?!?!

So, my priorities and reasonings for losing the weight has to be health and wellness. Being a mom would be an amazing benefit. Feeling beautiful and thin and pretty would be a benefit. But they cannot be my reasons because there is no guarantee that I'll conceive. And we all know our feelings are usually not rooted in fact so while the world around me may say I'm pretty or thin or beautiful, I still may not feel that way even at my goal weight...

So many things in my life are tied to food, eating, weight, body image... It's been a long road, and it's longer still but I just have to believe that no matter the outcome, it WILL be worth it.

I am human!! And that's ok...

2010-05-12T16:57:00.000-04:00

Someone commented on one of my "losing patience" Facebook status updates saying "so you are a real person!" And it struck me... to most people I'm someone who was on TV, so I'm not "real". What I mean is, we see people on Dr. Oz, or any other talk show type show and we think, "well of course they are successful, they aren't like me" and we shrug off their success because it's not "real".

Well, I AM a real person. And, like most real people, I have good days and bad, good weeks and bad. Lately it's been more bad than good when it comes to my eating. I have allowed my surroundings and my circumstances to be stronger than my will.

I like being in control. I like order, and plans, and clear direction. I like black and white. So, when my life is in turmoil (i.e. husband in the hospital, mom ill and in the hospital for surgery twice, issues with other family members, stressful new job where I am having to learn so much and feel a lot of pressure to do well) I compensate for the lack of control by eating. I can "control" that, and more than that, it gives me comfort. That comfort is fleeting, but in the moment it feels so good.

But, it derails my weightloss success and then I feel guilty, frustrated, angry, and bitter and then eat more... and more... and then I get rebellious and say "screw it!" and eat whatever I feel like eating.

And then I'm back at 300 pounds... a number I thought I had said goodbye a long time ago. But the reality is, the mental shift and reprogramming that I had been working so hard towards was slowly but steadily being undone by poor choices. Because rather than turn to God and draw on His strength to see me through my circumstances, I turned to the immediate gratification of pizza, cookies, chips, ice cream, etc...

I lost sight of my goal. I was putting food before my dream of having a baby, but more than that I have been putting food before my God. It is an idol as much as it is an addiction.

So, for those of you following my story I want you to know that I am just like anyone else. I have fears, struggles, successes, victories, crappy days and joyous days.

After some serious prayer and thought I have found a new focus and new attitude. I cannot do this on my own. It is an impossible task to try to accomplish (95% of people fail!!). But, with my God anything is possible. And I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. So with Him I will beat this. And you can too. That was the LAST time I will EVER see a 3 in front of my weight!

Up, down, and all around...

2010-04-30T10:11:00.000-04:00

It has officially been 6 months since I started this journey and it has been quite a roller coaster ride indeed. Some incredibly amazing highs and some very low lows... Through it all lost weight, gained weight (twice!) and stayed the same weight (twice!). The only constant through it all has been my rock and coach and personal Wellness Warrior Nancy, and my deep rooted addiction to food. Yes, I believe that like an alcoholic, I will always be a "recovering" food addict.

Hi, my name is Amy, and I'm addicted to food.

Now, you might think that's kind of depressing, and some days it really is. This is an incredibly difficult journey and I am constantly learning new things about food, my emotions, my mentality, my reactions, my reasoning, and the list goes on and on. It can be very overwhelming at times, especially when my everyday life decides to pop in to the picture too! :)

This year (and it's only April) I have lost a job, gotten a new job, my husband had surgery, my in-laws moved in with us, and now they are moving out, we've had a car engine blow, we've had some serious illness both with myself and my husband and our immediate family... Life doesn't stop, in fact, it's pretty much a constant battle of dealing with the every day normal (and abnormal!) life stresses. Take away my "crutch", my self-imposed "saviour" FOOD and it can take a bad situation to a formidable one real quick.

I thought for sure that it would be smooth sailing by now. I mean, come on, I've lost 75 pounds, I'm working out 45-60 minutes a day, my body has completely changed and my mind has changed a lot too. But I'm beginning to realize that this constant desire for chocolate, sugar, pizza, cereal, etc, etc, etc just may never completely go away. I think I'm always going to want that stuff, but I'm equiping myself to be able to say no to it and make better choices, whereas before I had no power to say no. Do I always stay strong and "just say no"? Of course not. I'm human, I'm weak. But I'm learning.

Again, this is sounding quite depressing, but I'm actually finding it to be empowering. Some days life is going to suck, we all have to face that. :) But eating a gallon of ice cream doesn't change that, and it usually makes it worse by the time your spoon scrapes the bottom of the bucket!

Over the last 5 weeks I've lost only 7 pounds. That kind of bummed me out. I mean, I had weeks where I was losing 7 pounds at a time! But rather than beat myself up, I'm trying to realize that sometimes the learning that takes place during those weeks where I gained or stayed the same is actually more important than number on the scale.

This literally is the journey of my lifetime, meaning, I will be on this journey until the day I die. Lord willing, that's quite a long way away! :) So, while I need to focus on the day to day, I can't lose sight of the big picture either.

70 Pounds Lost

2010-04-03T21:48:00.000-04:00

To date I have lost 70 pounds. I have hit many milestones along the way and am nearly halfway to my weight goal. People ask me a lot if this journey is still hard, or if it gets any easier. Well, the answer is kinda complicated. LOL

Every day is a new challenge of it's own. This journey has been easier than I anticipated in some ways, but harder in others. I have learned so much, but am still learning new things about myself, my body, and most importantly my mind and thoughts.

In the beginning I was so focused on perfection. I made sure I was eating only the things I was "allowed" to have, and got in all my vegetables, all my protein, etc, etc. Today those things are more second nature. The automating has helped with that a ton! I don't have to guess at what I can and can't have because I have learned so much about different foods and how they react with my body. I have learned how to choose wisely and which foods work better for me than others.

This is not to say that I always make the right choices though! LOL I still have a sweet tooth. I still want chips, and cereal, and chocolate, and whatever everyone else is eating. But it's different than it was 5 months ago. It's a struggle still, but now I have the power and the knowledge and the courage to just say no (most of the time) :)

Exercise used to be my nemesis! It was the one thing I struggled the most with in the beginning. It took everything in me to even go for a 30 minute walk. I found having a goal made it easier to get the exercise in. I decided to do a 5K so I knew I had to prepare for that. I would go every night and walk at the highest speed I could, usually about 3.3-3.5 and then I'd add jogging intervals. At first I could only do about 30 seconds. But now I can jog longer and further at a time. Before I knew it, I found myself loving my workouts and missing them if I wasn't able to fit them in.

Yes, I became "that" girl! LOL I love working out! I love trying new machines at the gym, I love pushing myself on the elliptical and on my jogs. Exercise has become a part of me that I never want to let go! :)

Food is still an issue for me. It is an day-by-day (and sometimes hour-by-hour) struggle to make the right decisions. Every now and again I sneak a treat here, or a bite there. Sometimes it's a whole something LOL but the difference now is that it doesn't defeat me. Before, a bite would have sabotaged my entire diet. I would feel guilty, and then eat more, and then feel guiltier, and eat more, etc, etc. Now, instead of allowing food to define me, I try to find the "why" behind my choice. Was I bored? Was I sad? Was I tired? Was I hurting? Was I PMS'ing? The next time I feel that way I can identify it and have alternatives ready to satisfy the craving. I'm still working on this part, but it's a process. :)

The biggest thing is take it in steps, baby steps then lead up bigger steps and leaps and then bounds. And before you know it you've got a whole new attitude and way of living. If you lay out everything you are supposed to do to be healthy it's very overwhelming! Every time I type it out I think, wow! that's a lot! LOL :) But, if you take one or two things at a time and then build from there you will find it is a lot easier and actually doable.

If I can do this, ANYONE can! Seriously! I'm just an ordinary woman living an ordinary life. I have no magical powers or will power of steel LOL You can do this!

Roller Coaster Tears

2010-03-23T20:55:00.001-04:00

Growing up in Orlando you get to go to a lot of theme parks. I've always loved the parks, and especially roller coasters. I have never not ridden a coaster due to fear! I have been afraid, but I always got on... Until a few years ago when a different fear came into play.

As most of you know I've always been heavy. Over the years I just got heavier and heavier to the point that I could no longer do one of my favorite things because I could not fit in the seat. I remember it vividly... At first I would have to be moved to the "larger" seats in the middle of the coaster which often meant being pulled to the side by the attendant and waiting for the next go round. Then, it got to the point where it didn't matter where I sat, I just simply didn't fit.

It was humiliating. I finally just started making excuses for why I wasn't going to ride. I'm sure my family could see through the excuses, but they never pushed me. It was so disheartening to know that I couldn't join friends and family in something I absolutely loved to do. But it was way more embarrassing to tell them why, and so I just said they made me sick and I'd sit out and wait for them.

On Saturday, Scott and I took our niece Ally to Sea World to spend the day with some friends. One of the last rides I attempted was Kraken at Sea World, but of course, I didn't fit. This time I was determined to at least try. I mean, come on! I've lost 65 pounds and 13 inches in my waist! I just knew I had to fit.

Manta is a new ride at Sea World, and I was so hopeful I'd be able to ride it. I got in line, and waited my turn with knots in my stomach. My turn finally came, and not only did I fit, I got the bar to click down TWICE comfortably!!! I was smiling like an idiot! LOL It was so much fun!! By the end of the ride I was fighting back tears. It had been so long since I'd experienced the thrill and rush of a coaster. It was such an accomplishment! :)

My next feat was Kraken. I just had to try it again. I sat in the test seat in front of the ride and was able to latch the harness! It was snug, but hey, it fit. So, I got in line, sat down, and the belt wouldn't reach! :( I was so mortified... I kept trying but just couldn't get it to latch. The attendant came over to help and finally he was able to latch the belt! I couldn't believe it! I was finally going to ride Kraken for the first time!!!!! It was so exhilarating! I cannot wait to go back! :)

I don't think I have fully comprehended everything I've allowed my weight to take from me. But I plan on taking all of them back and then some!!! :)

I did it!!!!!

2010-03-19T15:38:00.000-04:00

I am officially under 300 pounds!! Not by much, but I'm there! Never again will my weight begin with 3 and soon enough it will no longer begin with 2 either! Next milestone, the 100 pound mark! I'm down 65 already so only another 35 to go! :)

I tried something new!

2010-03-15T09:27:00.000-04:00

This morning I woke up at the crack of dawn to go the gym with my husband. Of course I love my elliptical, it is amazing!!! But I also want to develop more muscle tone in the hopes of lessening the amount of excess skin I will have when I reach my goal weight. :)

So, I did a little cardio to warm up by using the stationary bike. I did 7.5 miles in 20 minutes! I then moved on to the weight machines and focused on my arms. I did 3 sets of 10-15 reps on about 5 machines. Then I moved to the area that I have always been afraid to go into because I've been too self-conscious... the floor area with mats and ab machines and the dreaded leg lift contraption! LOL I tried one of the ab things and couldn't figure it out. No biggie... Then I tried to do some leg lifts. You know the thing I'm talking about. You step up onto the base, grasp the handles while your lower arms rest on the arm rests. Then you're supposed to step off the base and begin raising your legs together using your abs. Yeah, I tried it. I got two in before I almost fell off because I couldn't keep my body up using my arms.

BUT that's ok!! I did it. I tried something new. No one laughed at me, no one stared or pointed. No one even noticed really. More than that, I felt no shame. I did my best and that was ok. Next time I'll try again and maybe I'll be able to do 3 or 4.

This is a new feeling for me. I had one brief moment of hesitation because I was in the eye line of another woman working out, but I didn't let that stop me. And I wasn't embarrassed. To me, that's more of an accomplishment than anything! I didn't let my weight hold me back. I didn't let fear or insecurity keep me from doing something I wanted to do. To me, this is proof of transformation in progress. :)

I'm so looking forward to trying things I haven't been able to do because I've been too heavy: flying without needing a seat belt extender, fitting on the roller coasters at Universal Studios, not being afraid to sit in a booth at a restaurant (I'm already finding this to be easier!)... and more...

I think I always knew I was letting my weight hold me back from so many things, not just physically but mentally and emotionally too. I just didn't realize how much so until recently. I don't want to let another day go by where I allow my weight to hold me back because I am more than what I weigh. I am not defined by my weight or size.

Saying goodbye...

2010-03-13T10:05:00.000-05:00

To the 300's! :)

This weigh in I was 301.2 pounds which is a total of 63 pounds in less than 5 months. I am down to 48.5 inches in my waist which is a total of 13 inches lost! Next weigh in I'll be under 300 and I'm not looking back! :)

Nancy has been giving me menu's the past the two weeks and it's really been working for me. I don't have to think about what I'm going to eat because it's basically all automated. I'm telling you, automation really is key to my success. I thought for sure it would be boring and I would feel restricted, but it's actually the opposite. I feel confident in knowing that what I'm eating is going to satiate me and also is nutritionally sound.

I have been having a lot of cravings the last couple of days. I just want to eat! I'm not hungry, I just want to munch. I'm thinking this is because I'm getting ready to start my cycle soon. It's becoming more and more regular, and it truly is a "cycle" because I'm finding that there is a true pattern to my mood, cravings, and even my weight. Sorry if this is TMI but if I can announce to the nation that I've gotten my period, I feel like I can talk about it here! :)

I recently walk/jogged another 5K and had a really good time. I'm not sure if I want to do the half marathon next year, or just set a good goal time for the 5K... We'll see. :) My next goal is to jog the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K. I want to jog the whole thing and I'm pretty confident I can do it. I have until October to train, and in April I'm joining some friends in doing the 9 week Couch to 5K training. Should be fun!

A lot of people are asking me how I started running. I really didn't think I'd be able to, and I was really self-conscious of anyone seeing me try. So, I was doing my 30 minute walk one day and decided to just give it a try. That first time I could only jog a few yards, and I thought I was going to die. LOL But, I kept trying. I then started training using a treadmill and was able to jog for 2 minutes at a time. I still hated anyone seeing me, so if anyone else was in the gym I hated it! But, I wanted to do it, so I kept trying.

I personally prefer jogging outdoors as opposed to the treadmill just because I don't like feeling like I'm going to lose my balance, and I also like having visual markers as opposed to time markers for starting and stopping. But that's just me. Now I'm able to jog a lot further and it takes a lot less time to recover in between spurts.

Hope this helps! Talk to you all soon! :)

Pictures!

2010-03-10T13:55:00.000-05:00

Here are some pictures over the last few months as well as an updated progression picture. :) Weigh in is tomorrow and I'm really hoping I get below 300 even if it's 299.9! LOL But, if it's not tomorrow it will definitely be next week! Feeling good, getting in tons of exercise, and trying fun new recipes.

3/9/10

2/14/10

3/6/10 Royal Family 5K

It's been WAY too long! :)

2010-03-07T21:01:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I haven't posted for so long. So much has happened, but I am going to be much more consistent about blogging because I realize just how important it is to my success! :)

Since my last post I have hit the 59lb mark and have just over 5 pounds to lose before I say goodbye to the 300's forever!! I'm so close I can taste it, and I know once I hit the 200's there will be no turning back.

In the past three weeks I have moved, lost my job, and done another 5K. Moving was extremely difficult and wearing (both physically and emotionally). Losing my job was a blessing in disguise. I needed a change, and while I was hoping to just transfer to another position, being let go was probably the best thing to have happened. I'm focusing on me, my marriage, my home, and really taking time to discover what my passions are and what I want to do with my life. Unfortunately, self reflection doesn't pay well, but I am getting unemployment and searching for work. Just trusting God to get us through it! :)

Finishing my second 5K in 3 months was great. My good friend Lisa and I jog/walked the Royal Family Princess & the Frog 5K at Epcot. And despite several stops for pictures with Princesses we finished the race in just under 1 hour and 12 minutes. All in all a fairly good pace I think!

Also, since my last post the elliptical arrived!!!! I absolutely LOVE it!! It has been an amazing tool in my weightloss journey, and I am so blessed to have gotten it. It's so cool! LOL I am getting in some really incredible cardio workouts as well as toning my arms and legs with all of it's neat features. It is HUMUNGOUS!! LOL It's as long as our queen bed but only about 2 feet wide so it fits perfectly in our bedroom. :)

My newest potential undertaking is forming a group here in central Florida for women to get together support each other in healthy living. I envision us jog/walking for 30 minutes, then discussing our weeks, and also going through Dr. Oz's book YOU: On a Diet. Having Nancy as a Coach has been an integral part of my success. I know that having other women going through this with me that I can support and hold accountable and who can support me and keep me accountable would be awesome! So I ask that you all be praying that if this should get off the ground that it would be positive and motivating and life changing for all of us involved. :)

100th Post!!!

2010-02-18T17:34:00.000-05:00

Well, this is my 100th post since starting this journey. :) And it's going to be a short one LOL

We just moved this week and it was killer. I have never been so sore in my life. 12 straight hours of moving left me with some strained muscles, but I'm just glad it's done. And I never want to move again!! (I say that everytime LOL)

I am still only down a total of 54 pounds. Hit some roadblocks I guess with water retention (darn that PMS) and then this week at weigh in I was so bloated and swollen I was actually surprised I didn't gain! But, I'm not giving up! I will get below 300 if it kills me!

Thanks for all the love my friends! I'm sorry I haven't been posting as much. It's just been crazy between going to NYC, then Scott being in the hospital and now the move.... Ugh, life! LOL But, I'm going strong. And I should be getting the beautiful elliptical in the next week or two. As soon as I do I'll post pics!! :)

Attempting the impossible

2010-02-08T15:53:00.000-05:00

Nancy shared a great quote with me the other night that really hit home. She had shared it with me before, but for some reason it resonated with me much more deeply this time around. She said (and I'm paraphrasing) -- attempt something where failure is inevitable UNLESS God steps in.

The last few weeks I just could not for the life of me figure out why I was having such a hard time staying on track. I wasn't deviating from the plan, but I wanted to, and I was craving so many things that I hadn't been before. And then it hit me... Up to now I had pretty much been doing all of this in my own strength. It was the "honeymoon" phase so to speak. There was all of the excitement from the show, then the race, and so many things to distract me that I barely realized 12 weeks had passed and it was such a blur.

Now, I am feeling those hunger pangs. I am feeling those rebellious thoughts of just eating whatever I want. The novelty of looser clothes is waning... But I have to keep going.

And I realized, it's hard because I am attempting the impossible. 95% of people in my shoes FAIL. So what was so different about me? What makes me a part of that 5% who succeed?

I have a God and Heavenly Father who says that through Him ALL things are POSSIBLE. He has promised to give me the desires of my heart. But, I have to trust in Him. I have to lean on Him. I have to submit to Him.

On my own I am nothing, and I WILL fail as I have time and time before.

I cannot do this in my own strength, because my flesh is SO weak. But, through HIM I will succeed and be the woman He created me to be.

This has been very heavy on my heart because truly finding the WHY behind our eating is so very important. And once we do know why, we then have to submit that to Him or we will forever be in this death trap of emotional eating. This viscious circle of over eating then feeling guilty, then overeating because we feel guilty and on and on...

Why is it so hard to rest in the freedom He gives us? Why do I feel like I have to be this perfect person, when He tells me I'm not and that it's ok because I have Him.

Still working through this one, but enjoying the journey and all of it's revelations. :)

Filled up One Chart, Onto Another! :)

2010-02-05T11:02:00.000-05:00

You might remember I started a thermometer type chart to track my weightloss. Well, I filled it up! On the first one I noted when I had lost 10% of my body weight. On this new one I'm tracking the percentage to my weight loss goal. My goal weight is 175 which means I have to lose 189 pounds. So, I've already reached 20% of that goal! I'm a fifth of the way there! :)

I can't believe I've actually lost more than 50 pounds. And seeing this chart really gives me perspective on where I want to be.

mini-update!

2010-02-04T16:11:00.002-05:00

So after last weeks weigh in fiasco I am proud to say that I am back down to 312.8!! So, a little lower than before the craziness and only 12.9 pounds until I'm in the 200's!! :)

This time it really is different

2010-02-03T14:34:00.000-05:00

As you may have read, I had an extremely difficult week at the end of January. Not just difficult in terms of what was going on in my life, but more than that, it was difficult in terms of my eating. When I weighed in last Thursday (1/28) I had gained 5 pounds! Most of that was water weight, because as Nancy pointed out, I did not eat an ADDITIONAL 12,000 calories that week. BUT, I did eat things that were not on my plan, and I also was not focusing on the "why" behind my eating.

For those of you who are panicking about the 5 pounds, rest assured, I have already dropped them and I am excited to weigh in tomorrow to see how much more I've lost. :)

The reason I titled this post "This Time is Really Different" is because in every past experience where I had a set back, gained some weight, made some bad choices, etc. I gave up. I stopped trying. This time, I got back on that horse! I really dug deep to figure out WHY I wanted to eat all those things and WHY I was giving in to the temptations at times.

The urge to eat Wendy's did not occur because Scott was admitted to the hospital. It definitely played a part, but it was not the pivotal moment. From the time I came back from NYC until Friday of last week I had been in a funk. I started a new challenge trying to break out of it, and that helped, but the second life threw that curve ball at me I buckled.

You see, I set VERY high expectations for myself. Worse than that, I perceive that others have high expectations of me, and even worse, I believe if I cannot reach those expectations then I am a failure. So all of my life I have felt I could not control anything because I was trying to please everyone else and reach these absurd (usually not even accurate) expectations and failing miserably every time because I am human. The one thing I could control, that never let me down and ALWAYS made me feel good was food. So I ate. And ate. And ate until I was 364 pounds and more 50% fat...

Shortly before leaving NYC I found out that the Oz team wants to bring me back when I get to the 100 lb mark. Super exciting! Right? It should have been, but then I found out that they were hoping it would be sooner than the 12 weeks it took me to lose the first 50 pounds. Now, there is nothing wrong with them assuming that should be possible. It is not only possible, it is highly probable! But to me, in my warped and, let's face it, tired mind :) I took to mean that all my hard work to get to this point was not good enough, and if I couldn't do better with the next 50 I'd be disappointing them. Silly, right?

It took me a very long time to acknowledge that I had taken all of that as a criticism rather than a challenge and also as a compliment because they believe in me so much they know I can do this!

But of course you know Satan has to play these mind games with me since I did go on national TV and tell 3 million viewers that I know I'm worth it! LOL

And you know what, I am worth it. And more than that, I am actually glad I had this bad week. Because it opened my eyes to the fact that I AM HUMAN! I did not get to be 200 lbs overweight overnight, and I will not be able to heal and fix the "Why" overnight either. But I'm getting there.

Getting past the bad week and going back to the plan and getting back on track was an incredible experience. I have NEVER not failed on a diet. Until now. I am a success, and will continue to be one. Even when I reach my goal weight I will have to maintain. This is not just a work in progress, but a lifestyle. And any meaningful change takes time, growth, stretching, failure, success, and so much more.

I am not anyone special. I don't have a chef or a personal trainer. I do have Nancy, and believe me I am so grateful for that. But even she will tell you that I'm the one doing the work. So if I can do this, you really can too. And if you feel you need that support like I have, get with a buddy. All of us have a friend, family member, co-worker, SOMEONE who wants to get healthier.

You really can do this! No matter how many bad weeks you or I have (and they are coming if they haven't already) we will get through them. He who started a good work in us WILL be faithful to complete it!! :)

This whirlwind we call life...

2010-02-02T14:07:00.000-05:00

I feel like I haven't posted anything in ages, but I literally have been going non-stop for over a week now... Sunday was actually relaxing - somewhat - but then Scott's stitches ripped and we ended up at the surgeons office Monday... UGH!

Today all is pretty much back to normal. I'm back at work and life is returning to what it was pre-surgery. LOL I'm exhausted, and feel like I'm coming down with something, but I'm pushing on.

I have a lot to share as it's been an incredibly challenging, insightful, frustrating, interesting week or so.

Thank you for all of your support. The comments really are encouraging, and it's good to know that I'm not alone in this. :)

The "Plan"

2010-01-25T16:37:00.000-05:00

Some of you have been asking what exactly I'm doing, and also for recipes. Since I'm sitting in the hospital with my hubby I don't have my recipes with me, but I can definitely share my weight loss plan.

I'm basically following Dr. Oz's Rule of 5 Foods to Avoid -- Sugar, Syrup (corn, high fructose corn, etc), no white/refined carbs, no trans fat, no saturated fat. I'm also eating lots of satiating foods - almonds, whole grains, tons of veggies. In addition to that I'm also "counting calories" so to speak, but not in a crazy obsessive way. :) I generally strive for between 1200-1400 calories a day.

I have a 200 calorie breakfast (my egg white wrap),
a 100-150 calorie snack (usually a fruit),
a 300-400 calorie dinner (usually my lentil soup),
another 100-150 calorie snack (usually Kashi Go Lean Crunch - high fiber, high protein), a 300-400 calorie dinner (usually a lean protein and a huge portion of veggies)
and finally I have a 100 calorie snack as long as it's not after 8pm.

I'll be posting my recipes soon. Most of them I've gotten from Nancy and I love them!!! :)

My secret weapon -- calorie free olive oil spray, fresh crushed/minced garlic and crushed red pepper flakes! They make any meal delicious! :)

I think I have fixed the Temptations Post! :)

2010-01-25T16:27:00.000-05:00

Of everything I've shared on this blog, this is the hardest. I feel like a failure. I know Dr. Oz tells us we will fail, we just have to accept that and keep going and do our best to eat well. But I feel like I've let Nancy down. I've let Dr. Oz down. And I've let all of you down.

This may be silly, but it is how I feel. Everyone is telling me what an inspiration I am and how strong I am... Well, now you know... I'm just as normal as anyone else with

flaws and cravings and temptations I give in to.

One thing that's been different lately (or rather back to normal I guess) is my reaction to stress. My old reaction to stress was to eat. Since day one after meeting Nancy and Dr. Oz I've found myself with no appetite during stressful situations. Well, the last couple weeks my stress level has been absurdly high and my old habits are rearing their ugly head!

Until last night I've been able to distract myself or at least choose foods they aren't horrible for me when I feel the "need" to stress eat. Last night however was the last straw... It has been a tremendously stressful and chaotic week or so that has literally brought me to my breaking point.

After 6 hours in the ER with my husband (he has severe pancreatitis most likely from gallstones that passed, he may have to have his gallbladder removed) I finally went home to get some sleep since they were admitting him. I was a wreck. I felt horrible leaving him but I also knew I needed to rest so that I wouldn't be completely useless today.

With tears in my eyes I pulled out of the hospital parking lot, and saw the glowing red wendy’s sign… the Sweet & Spicy nuggets were calling my name. On the drive home I devoured my nuggets, fries, and diet coke. All the while knowing this was probably the absolute worst choice I could have made in terms of food...

Since coming back from taping the show on the 13th I've really been struggling with being intentional. I've started a 30 day challenge to try to jump start my motivation and it's been a great way to do so. But I’m really struggling with the cravings and temptations in a way I haven’t for the last 12 weeks up to now.

Today while I'm at the hospital with my love I have packed nutritious and delicious foods. Taking it minute by minute trying not to get ahead of myself.

So there you have it. I'm getting back on the wagon and for right now that's good enough for me. :)

2010-01-25T11:17:00.001-05:00

I guess my post was too long since I sent it from my phone. Lol I'll fix it when I get home tonight. :) you can try to figure out the order if you like until then lol

2010-01-25T11:07:00.013-05:00

flaws and cravings and temptations I give in to.

Today while I'm at the hospital with my love I have packed nutritious and delicious foods. Taking it

2010-01-25T11:07:00.011-05:00

eep going and doing our best to eat well. But I feel like I've let Nancy down. I've let Dr. Oz down. And I've let all of you down.

This may be silly, b

2010-01-25T11:07:00.009-05:00

me I devoured my nuggets, fries, and diet coke. All the while knowing this was probably the absolute worst choice I could have made in terms of food...

2010-01-25T11:07:00.007-05:00

minute by minute trying not to get ahead of myself.

So there you have it. I'm getting back on the wagon and for right now that's good enough for me. :)

2010-01-25T11:07:00.005-05:00

ut it is how I feel. Everyone is telling ms what an inspiration I am and how strong I am... Well, now you know... I'm just as normal as anyone else with

2010-01-25T11:07:00.003-05:00

Of everything I've shared on this blog this is the hardest. I feel like a failure. I know Dr. Oz tells us we will fail, we just have to accept that and k

2010-01-25T11:07:00.001-05:00

out of the hospital and there it was. The glowing red wendys sign... the Asian sweet & spicy nuggets were calling my name and I answered.

On the way ho

2010-01-25T11:06:00.015-05:00

s a wreck. I felt horrible leaving him but I also knew I needed to rest so that I wouldn't be completely useless today.

With tears in my eyes I pulled

2010-01-25T11:06:00.013-05:00

to stress eat. Last night however was the last straw... After 6 hours in the ER I finally went home to get some sleep since they were admitting him. I wa

2010-01-25T11:06:00.011-05:00

rearing their ugly head!

Until last night I've been able to distract myself or at least choose foods they aren't horrible for me when I feel the "need"

2010-01-25T11:06:00.009-05:00

I've found myself with no appetite during stressful situations. Well, the last couple weeks my stress level has been absurdly high and my old habits are

2010-01-25T11:06:00.007-05:00

t lately (or rather back to normal I guess) is my reaction to stress. My old reaction to stress was to eat. Since day one after meeting Nancy and Dr. Oz

2010-01-25T11:06:00.005-05:00

eing intentional. I've started a 30 day challenge to try to jump start my motivation and it's been a great way to do so.

One thing that's been differen

2010-01-25T11:06:00.003-05:00

chaotic week or so and basically brought me to my breaking point.

Since coming back from taping the show on the 13th I've really been struggling with b

2010-01-25T11:06:00.001-05:00

Last night my husband was admitted to the hospital with pancreatitis most likely caused by gallstones. This was on top of an exceptionally stressful and

Dr. Oz Update!!

2010-01-21T21:23:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow, Friday, January 22 my follow up segment on The Dr. Oz Show will air! You will get to see all of the amazing surprises they worked out for me. :) One of the cool things they did was to show my blog, this blog, as it is such an integral part of my success. So, if you found this blog because you saw my follow up show, welcome! I'm so glad you found me and I hope that by being honest, open, and sharing every detail, emotion, good, bad or indifferent part of this process I can inspire you to find the health and wellness you deserve. Because as cliche as it sounds, if I can do this, ANYONE can! Seriously!! :)

Today was the first day of my 30 Day Challenge. There are 5 of us officially participating so the game is on! Our goal is to lose 15 pounds in the next 30 days. Some of you may think that is unsafe, and for some people it might be. But, it's more than feasible for me as I am still over 300 pounds, and since day 1 have been losing an average of 4lbs a week. So, it's all good! :)

But, for those of you who want to jumpstart your own journey to health, but may not have such a substantial amount to lose may find the idea of losing 15 pounds in 30 days to be astronomical. That's ok! It's not about the number! It's about finding that motivation to maintain your focus on the goal. Maybe for some of you the goal needs to be 30 minutes of exercise every day for 30 days. Or, maybe it's time to purge the fridge and pantry, go shopping for the great foods that will keep you satiated, and commit to not eating the 5 foods to avoid for 30 days. Whatever you decide is an attainable, but still challenging goal -- go for it! Join us in this next 30 days to change your life!

This challenge will be hard for me physically more so than the food part will be. I'm Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred and oh my goodness! I was feeling it (and still am!) LOL I had to do the modifications through several of the moves, and I found the push ups/plank moves ESPECIALLY difficult. It was the roughest 20 minutes of my workout history! LOL

So what is your challenge going to be? How can you push yourself these next 30 days to reveal just how strong you truly are? I had no idea I'd be able to do even half of the things I've been doing these days. It feels so good to look at something you thought was impossible, and actually accomplish it! What have you got to lose?

You CAN do this!! :)

Over the 50 Pound Mark!!!

2010-01-21T15:56:00.000-05:00

I found myself losing focus after coming back from "Oz". :) Kind of felt some finality about taping the show again, and lost a bit of that motivation from having such a HUGE goal before going back to NYC. I talked to Nancy about it and realized that I am a VERY goal oriented person! I need small and big goals, short and long term goals to stay motivated and keep my focus. So, we came up with yet another challenge! My next goal is to lose 15 pounds in the next 30 days!

I'm going to be doing Jillian Michael's "The Shred" for 30 days along with my same eating habits I've picked up these past 12 weeks. I'm still keeping it as lean and natural as possible. Eating less pre-packaged/processed foods, and eating more "whole", natural state, from the ground foods. Also, I'm using as little salt as possible and have found the beauty (and taste!) of Mrs. Dash and all her wonderful seasonings. :)

Today was weigh day, and I'm down another 3 pounds for a total of 51 pounds lost to date!!! By the end of my challenge I will be out of the 300's for the first time in so long I don't even remember!!!

Yesterday I did the elliptical for 45 minutes straight! It was incredible, painful, exhausting, and so very rewarding! I wanted to quit after about 30 minutes, but I just couldn't. Something I've taken away from The Biggest Loser is that you need to finish what you start. I set my goal for 45 minutes and I needed to not give up until I got there. :) I didn't keel over and die, I wasn't even sore this morning. So even though my body was tired, and my mind kept telling me to just stop, I'd done enough, I couldn't stop. :)

So if your goal is to walk, or bike, or whatever, set a time limit and do it! Whether it's 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes, etc. just don't stop until you reach that goal. It made me so proud to have done it, and I know that you will feel so empowered by not giving up! :)

2010-01-18T10:54:00.001-05:00

Well... It's been a very interesting week and a half. The Dr. Oz crew came and filmed the 5K and some interviews with me. It was a very long weekend!!! Lol

Taping the follow up show was amazing. It was great to be back and know that it was all positive. :) I have lost almost 50 pounds!! I lost 10" in my waist!! It was incredible to realize I'd done it all in only 12 weeks!!!!

And then I came home... And it was like I lost my focus. Life hit me in full swing and I lost my balance. I'm still eating according to my plan and working out every day, but something is missing. I'm an emotional mess thanks to PMS. Lol.

I think a part of it is that I had such a big goal to focus on before going to New York. And now it's just back to daily life. But I'm trying to keep my next goal in mind and stay focused.

My next big goal is to get to the 100 lb mark! To get there I'm going to continue to ramp up my workouts, eat as much fresh & natural food as possible to avoid excess sodium and chemicals. I'm going to focus on getting under 300 for the first time in years!!!

I can do this!!! I AM DOING THIS!!!!

Ahhh... That feels better! Lol

Recipes from Nancy

2010-01-11T18:52:00.000-05:00

For those of you looking for healthy, but yummy, recipes check out Nancy's Blog.

5K Pics :)

2010-01-11T15:32:00.000-05:00

The last lap!! We did it!!

interviews with the Oz crew

My dad, brothers, and husband

I've lost about 5 more pounds than that now!!! :)

more of me with the cameras... :)

Everyone signed this poster at the end for me. I will keep it forever!!! :)

11 Weeks, 42 pounds and 7.5 inches down!

2010-01-11T14:35:00.002-05:00

I did it!!!

2010-01-10T10:34:00.000-05:00

Well, I did it! It was a very long, very cold day but we jog/walked the 5K in 42:59!!! I surpassed my goal of 48 minutes by 5 full minutes!! I could not be happier with how things went. :)

There about 15 of us who actually ran the race with several more who cheered us on our way!! There was a huge surprise guest, but I'll wait to let you see who when the show airs. ;)

I was so touched by everyone who came out to support me yesterday. I was overwheled with all the love and support everyone gave. I had no idea my story and my journey was touching people so deeply. It was an incredible day in so many ways!!!

Thanks to everyone who braved the freezing, windy, arctic day to be there for me!!!

Running my 5K on Saturday!!!

2010-01-07T13:39:00.000-05:00

Well, the Dr. Oz team found out about my informal 5K I'm jog/walking at Lake Eola and they are coming down to film it!! I am trying to get as many people there to cheer in the crowd or even walk/jog it with me. I'm going to need all the support I can get!! :) It's going to be a ton of fun, with friends, signs, and of course, the film crew. LOL If you live in the area and want to join me please please come! The more the merrier! :)

When: 2pm-4pm Saturday 1/9
Where: Lake Eola Park, Downtown Orlando
Dress: Wear a solid color top (NO logo's please) with any style pant

For more info click here.

Losing weight, but gaining so much more...

2010-01-03T16:37:00.000-05:00

Hitting the 40 pound loss mark has truly amazed me. I have been working hard, and focused so much on being intentional in my eating and exercising that that I hadn't really taken time to reflect on all of the changes taking place. Not just the physical changes, which are of course amazing, but also (and more importantly) the mental shift that has occurred has been nothing short of miraculous...

I have struggled with low self-esteem for as long as I can remember. I have never felt "good enough" (whatever that would actually be). Someone else was always smarter, thinner, prettier, quicker, better, more deserving, etc, etc. I have let people walk all over me, take advantage of me, and use me not only because I let them, but because I thought if I didn't, they wouldn't like me. I didn't believe I deserved to be treated any differently. I didn't believe I wasn't worth being treated any better.

Over the past few months, and even more so the past few weeks, I have noticed a shift in this thinking of mine. I don't notice it as it's happening, but later as I reflect on the events I realize that I reacted and acted much differently than I would have several months ago. Instead of just saying or doing what I think is expected, I voice my actual opinion. I say what is really on my mind rather than just "sucking it up". I have to say, that I haven't been rude or snotty LOL but I've been more honest when I might otherwise not be.

It's been small steps forward, but it's truly amazing to see how much changing how I view my body, and what I put into my body, has changed my thinking as well. I have never felt particularly beautiful, and I still struggle with feelings of insecurity. But I see the progress and I know that rather than being a fat girl forever, I am healthier and I'm going to get smaller and smaller, and I feel better too. I am making better choices nutritionally, and it's impacting how I feel about myself just as much as my physical energy and strength.

A big part of this is also due to the fact that I've been practicing taking my thoughts captive. For every negative thought that goes through my mind, I replace it with a positive truth. At my desk at work I have several verses at eye level that I can focus on when I'm feeling particularly negative, or down.

Don't get me wrong, I still have down days. LOL But they are getting fewer and farther between (and usually come at a particular time of the month lol). I'm changing my thinking and growing my knowledge about food and nutrition and in turn am doing the same for my thinking about myself and my worth. I never realized how tied the two were... but it makes more sense as time goes on... Our bodies are temples. What we put into them and how we care for them are just as important to our physical health as to our mental health...

40s are fabulous!

2010-01-02T12:41:00.000-05:00

So much has been going on lately! I have wanted to post so many times and am finally getting the opportunity to do it. New Years was great, and I have to say the best part was that for the first year my resolution was not to get healthy! LOL I'm already doing that! My resolution is to focus on thinking more positively and not being so hard on myself.

This weigh in I finally broke the 40lb mark and have lost a total of 40.4 pounds to date! I'm still hoping for 50 pounds lost by the 13th, but I'm not going to stress out about it. I'll keep doing what I'm doing and trust God to do the rest! :)

I've continued my 5K training and it's almost here! It will be either the 8th or 9th, still working out the details. Just going to do 3 laps around Lake Eola with my friends and family cheering me on! My goal is to run as much as I can, and power walk the rest. If I could finish in under 50 minutes I'd thrilled, but my goal is to just finish it! :)

Unfortunately, I seem to have injured my heel. After doing my workout the other day, I noticed pain in my left heel. I just thought it was from the impact of running the majority of my time on the treadmill and just thought it would go away... well, yesterday it was worse and I did a little research and it looks like I might have planter fasciitis (a heel spur). They typically go away in 12-36 hours with rest and mild stretching. I'm hoping it gets better soon because I'm missing my treadmill time! Wait, did I just say that?? LOL

I have gone from literally FORCING myself to go walk, to now enjoying them and actually finding myself looking forward to them! I'm pushing myself and doing more and more every day. I never thought I'd be running at this point, and to be honest, I'd never believed I'd get to this point at all! It's been incredible.

Rather than being discouraged about my injury and giving up, I've had to get creative to get my workout in. Nancy gave me some great floor exercises that we worked into 4 circuits done 3 times each. I have to admit, I thought the reps would be a nice change but I never thought they would compare to my walk/runs... boy was I wrong! LOL So now I'm not only getting my heart rate up, but I'm also building muscle and toning up which is fantastic.

I hope everyone had a great holiday and that this new year is full of health, happiness, and well-being. :)

Some recipes

2009-12-30T15:15:00.000-05:00

Some of you have been asking what I eat and what recipes I enjoy. Most of my meals are courtesy of recipes I've gotten from Nancy. I'll post some more later, but here what is a typical day looks like:

Breakfast (Automated): Egg White Wrap w/ 1/2 Banana (199 calories)

3 egg whites
1 clove minced garlic
1 green onion chopped
1/2 cup spinach or shredded zucchini
1/4 sweet onion diced
handful sliced mushrooms
red pepper flakes (depends on how spicy you can take it, but I use about 1 teaspoon or so)
salt & pepper to taste

Snack: 12 almonds w/ 1 banana (188 calories total) or 1 apple (160 calories total)

Lunch (Automated): Homemade Lentil Soup (300 calories)
(I'll post the recipe soon!! Don't have it handy at the moment.)

Snack: High Fiber Cereal (120-150 calories depending on the cereal)
You can use Kashi or Fiber One. Both have a great supply of fiber and protein and are phenomenal hunger fighters! :) I pre-package mine in plastic baggies, 1 cup each. Just grab a baggie and go!

Dinner: Varies! Always around 300-400 calories though...
Option 1: Apple Chicken with Spinach (makes 1 serving -- my own concoction!) (approx 321 calories)

1 svg (approx 3 oz) of lean chicken breast, cubed (I like to use the pre-cooked, no preservatives added frozen chicken, but you can use whatever chicken you have handy)
1/2 small apple finely chopped (I usually snack on the other half while I cook)
1 cup frozen (or fresh) spinach (when using frozen I add about 1/3 cup water as well)
1/2 raw onion
1-2 cloves minced garlic
Red pepper flakes, salt & pepper to taste
about 1-2 teaspoons of Mrs. Dash Mediterranean Seasoning
1/2 Tablespoon extra virgin olive oil

pour olive oil into sautee pan on medium high heat
add all ingredients to pan
toss frequently, sautee for approximately 15-20 minutes (if chicken is pre-cooked) or until chicken is completely cooked through
pour into a bowl and enjoy!

Option 2: Chicken with Acorn Squash (serves 2, super easy!!, approx 150-170 calories, add )

Pierce acorn squash with fork several times, place on microwave safe dish, and microwave on high for approximately 8-10 minutes (varies by size of squash and wattage of microwave)
While squash is in microwave, spray pan with Olive Oil spray, sautee 2 svgs (or about 6 oz) of chicken breast with 1/2 diced onion, 1-2 cloves garlic, seasoned to taste (you can use chicken cutlets, diced/cubed chicken, etc)
When acorn squash is soft and ready, cut in half, spoon each half onto it's own plate and add a little sprinkle of salt
When chicken is thoroughly cooked, spoon onto the squash plates and enjoy!

Option 3: Boca Burger w/ Baked Potato (serves 1, approx 480 calories, also good as a lunch option!)

pierce potato and microwave until done
spray sautee pan with olive oil spray, add boca burger, sliced onion, red pepper flakes, a sprinke of garlic salt, flip burger after 5 minutes, then plate
once potato is done, microwave 1 cup frozen broccoli florets with 1T water for approx 5-8 minutes; while broccoli is cooking, dice or slice potato and add to plate
to avoid sour cream and add protein I use 1/2 cup cottage cheese over my potato, add a little salt and pepper to taste
add broccoli to plate and you're good to go!

I'll have some more recipes posted later, but this is basically what I eat. LOL I thought for sure I'd get bored... but I love it! Having the automation is a lifesaver! I have tried many new recipes over the last several weeks, and I'll post those as soon as I can.

You can also check out Nancy's blog for some super yummy recipes! http://www.doctoroz.com/expert/nancy-schuessler

Made it through the Holidays!

2009-12-28T10:17:00.000-05:00

Well, I made it through the holidays without any major issues. :) I was able to enjoy the time with my family over the entire Christmas week without losing sight of my goal. I brought my own food to enjoy during dinner at Olive Garden with my parents and siblings, hubby, and niece. I also brought my own dinner when we went to my Aunt's house and avoided the cheesy lasagna and cheesy bread AND homemade fudge. :) On Christmas day I actually got to enjoy the same meal as everyone else because we had turkey, sweet potatos, and green beans available.

I'm still doing my hour of exercise every day. Scott and I bought bicycles with some Christmas money we got and biked 5 miles the other day! My behind is still a little sore LOL but I had so much fun biking! :) I'm looking forward to doing the 5K on January 9th. I missed the deadlines for the Disney race, and also for the Princess Half Marathon this spring, but I'm looking for an alternative. For my 5K on the 9th I'm just looking for a school track I can use. I'm inviting all my family and friends to come cheer me on! :) If you want to come out and cheer me on my run/walk you're more than welcome! I'll let you know where and what time as soon as I have that figured out. LOL

I'm feeling a little anxious about my 5K though because the running part is still so hard for me. I have finally gotten up to jogging for 2 minutes straight at one time, but after that I can only do spurts of 45-60 seconds throughout the remainder of my workout. I'm hoping that over the next couple weeks it increases though. But like Nancy reminded me this morning, it's not about how long it takes me, or whether I run or walk the whole thing. The important thing is that I finish! And I know I will. :)

It's been a while, and tons is going on!! :)

2009-12-22T20:54:00.000-05:00

I have been meaning to write for a few days now, but keep putting it off so I can focus on what I'm writing. Well, a lot has happened in the last week or so! My goals have been amped up dramatically all in anticipation of going back on the Dr. Oz show for a follow up episode!!!!!

I got word last week that they'll be bringing me back to NYC to tape an update segment the middle of January. I'm guessing it will air sometime in early February or so. As of Thursday of last week I have lost 34 pounds and 7 inches in my waist. My goal in this 4 weeks leading up to the taping is to lose another 16 pounds, and at least 3 more inches in my waist for a total of 50 pounds and 10 inches lost in 12 weeks!

To accomplish this Nancy and I are ramping up my routine. We have re-structured my calorie intake to allow my body to work more efficiently. I'm also working out for an hour every day (and I mean EVERY day). This is in preparation for my 5K (as well as my half-marathon in the spring) in addition to burning as much fat as possible to help in my weight loss.

While the workouts have been quite taxing (I firmly believe 1hour is way more than 2.5 times harder than 30 minutes lol) the hardest part has not been indulging in any nibbles here or there of all the Christmas goodies laying around.

But, I have such motivation on my side because Nancy is taking this challenge with me! She is not indulging in any sweets or extra nibbles all the way up to the taping. And, she is also doing 1 hour workouts EVERY day. Talk about support! She is amazing! She doesn't want to ask me to do anything she would not do, and so, she is doing all of this with me! It really does help when the temptation creeps up to stop at 45 minutes... or just "taste" that cookie or that piece of this or that.

So pray for me my friends! :) I'm going to need it! I really want to achieve my goal, and while I know it is lofty, I firmly believe it is attainable!

Lost 4 pounds this week!!!

2009-12-17T08:47:00.000-05:00

Today's weigh in showed a 4lb loss!! Woohoo!!! Overall I have lost 34 pounds, 7 inches in my waist, about 4 inches in my hips, and about 3 inches in my chest!!! I am so excited and almost to my 10% goal. My next milestone will be to reach 50 pounds lost! :) Almost there!!

Weigh in tomorrow!

2009-12-16T17:04:00.000-05:00

I'm looking forward to weighing in tomorrow, even though I still have that little seed of apprehension. :) My body has been changing so much, not only in size and measurement, but also internally. It's very excited to "see" those changes that are invisible to the naked eye in addition to the obvious changes of losing pounds and inches.

When I first watched myself on the show about a month ago I cried. Not tears of joy, but of sadness and shame. I was so embarrassed by how I looked. About a week ago I watched the show again with my dad (he hadn't seen it yet) and I could see such a difference in myself from then to now. It was actually encouraging to watch it! Not only could I see the difference in my face and body, but I see a difference in my spirit.

I had allowed my weight to defeat me and keep me down. My heart was so burdened by self-loathing and self-hatred that I had lost sight of who I really was. I am daughter of the most high God. I was knit together in my mothers womb, fearfully and wonderfully made. No matter my weight, no matter my circumstances I am lovely and chosen and beautiful. Yes, beautiful.

What saddened me while watching the show a second time was not the fact that I let myself get so big, but that I let myself lose sight of my worth. It was a viscous cycle of eating, guilt, eating, guilt that only got me fatter and sadder.

I don't want to go back there again! I feel so much more alive! I have bad days still and life happens like it always did, but the hope that I had lost is back! I have a joy that I never knew before, even in my "thinner" days. I am doing this, and I am succeeding, and I am worth every bit of it! Whether I slip up and eat a piece of chocolate, or an extra bowl of rice is not what is important. The journey is what is important. The learning that comes from those slip ups is what matters.

And I've been learning so much about food and what it does to your body and how your body uses it and stores it that I've found myself being turned off by some my most favorite foods. I knew trans fat was bad, but oh my goodness! It's disgusting! And sugar is basically only in your system for a short while, but the after effects are very long lasting. So it's been interesting, and I'm looking forward to many more interesting and exciting days ahead full of learning and knowledge. Because knowledge really and truly is power.

Progress Pictures!!

2009-12-11T17:59:00.000-05:00

Some of you have been asking for pictures of my progress along the way. I put together a pic of where I started, at 4 weeks, and at 8 weeks. It's weird because I don't see weight loss in the mirror, but I feel it in my clothes (especially those clothes that had been too small and now are loose!) and looking at this collage I was shocked! I can see the difference and that is so cool. :)

Down about 27 pounds in the pic above

with my hubby taking Christmas pics :)

8 Weeks In!!!

2009-12-10T19:32:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe it's been 8 weeks! Time has flown by, and the results are speaking for themselves. In 8 weeks I've lost a total of 30 pounds (down 3.4 lbs this week!) and an amazing 7" in my waist! I'm still working on being intentional in my journey. It's funny to think that eating this way has become "old hat" so to speak, but it's actually becoming second nature to avoid sweets and refined carbs and pick up fruits, veggies and whole grains. I've tried some new foods like spaghetti squash, jicama, flat out, great northern beans and more. It's been quite an adventure! :)

I'm very excited about my goal of running a 5K on January 9 or 10. It's not a formal 5K, just my very own with some family and perhaps some friends there to cheer me on. Friends and family are going to be paying me to run this race! LOL Nancy gave me the best idea (and a great motivator!) for my run, ask my family to pay $5 each for this run. So far I have gotten about $50 pledged toward my run. :) I'm hoping to get up to $100 so that I can buy a couple pair of pants and a couple tops for my new body (my clothes are already loose, and I know that by the 2nd weekend in January they'll be hanging off of me)! I'll be shopping the clearance racks because obviously I don't plan on being in that size for very long either! LOL

Having a goal is quite inspiring. I've downloaded some podcasts for my 5K training which I've really enjoyed. They are called Motion Trax by Deekron. I'm not able to keep pace with most of them YET but I know I will be soon enough. The upbeat tempo is great though, and even though I'm slower than the beat it is a great accompaniment to my walk/runs.

A lot is going on in my life right now and with Christmas around the corner I'm trying to stay on guard and avoid temptations and emotional eating. I'm focusing on staying positive, and doing what I know I need to do to succeed. My body is responding to all of these changes amazingly well and I am so excited that every day I am one step closer to realizing my dream of being a mommy. :)

Day 47

2009-12-07T20:49:00.000-05:00

I ran for a full 60 seconds today!!!! I'm so proud of myself. I've been trying to work up to 60 seconds for about a week and a half now. LOL I knew running would not be easy, but my goodness! Even having walked 30 minutes every day since the show aired I am finding it tough to progress to jogging. But I'll get there!

I wanted to talk a little bit tonight about my struggle with infertility... I have not shared much about this with many people, and even the ones I do share it with usually get an abbreviated version. Yesterday was a tough day for me. The pain and sorrow of not being able to get pregnant is always with me, but some days are much easier than others. Since the show I have been joyful with the new found hope I have in knowing that my weight will no longer be what is preventing me from being a mommy.

The holidays are incredibly difficult when you long for a child of your own. Christmas is such a child-like holiday with all of the arts and crafts, caroling, and anticipation of Santa. :) The last few days I have felt that familiar twinge of sadness in knowing that Scott and I would be celebrating yet another Christmas without a child of our own. Everywhere we go there are reminders that our arms are empty...

We were watching "My Sisters Keeper" yesterday and it just hit me. I want to be a mother! I want to create a little one with a piece of me and a piece of Scott. I want to laugh and cry and worry and celebrate and make traditions and do all of those things you do when you have kids. I have begged God to take away this desire if it was not meant to be because I just cannot give it up... I know I was created to be someone's mommy. And my heart is breaking with the pain of not being able to live that purpose... You would think watching a movie about a family going through the unimaginable pain of having a terminally ill child would make me think twice about having a child. LOL But it didn't have that effect on me...

Saturday night Scott and I were watching my beautiful niece Ally and she was just too precious. She was clinging to Scott, sharing dinner with him, playing with him, watching Spongebob with him and just enjoying her fun time with Uncle Scotty. :) Seeing my husband with her was incredible. He was having such a good time teasing her, and playing with her, making her laugh, and cuddling with her. He is going to be such a good Daddy... I want so badly to give him a child of his own to do those things with...

I know that there are so many couples who know exactly what my husband and I are going through, but it is a lonely, painful, and even shameful, experience. I want to break the stigma attached to infertility. I am not ashamed of this experience! It has brought my husband and I closer together. It has allowed God to reveal Himself to me in so many ways. My prayer is that when I am at a healthy weight I will be able to conceive a child, experience pregnancy, give birth, and realize my dream come true... I know that God may have other plans, but I am doing my part by getting healthy--both physically and mentally--and I am trusting Him to do His part. I think that is the hardest part...

Necklace Info

2009-12-05T20:55:00.000-05:00

Someone asked how they could get the necklace Nancy gave me, but it was an anonymous post so I can't reply directly... anyway, you can go to http://forgetmenotsjewelry.com/ and contact the woman who makes the necklaces. She can create one for you like mine and Nancy's or you can choose many different styles. Her work is beautiful! :)

Days 42-45

2009-12-05T20:49:00.000-05:00

Well, I survived my rough patch and while I stayed the same this past weigh in, I came out the other side a little wiser and lot more motivated.

Going through sever PMS for the first time in a long time (due to irregular cycles) was kind of odd. I felt so discouraged and moody, and just plain down. I still did what I was supposed to do -- I ate the good foods, avoided the bad foods, and basically just went through the motions... All week I felt so bloated it was rediculous! I just knew I was going to see a weight gain, and that was making me feel even more discouraged!

Wednesday night (the night before weigh in) I decided to sneak a peek and step on the scale. This was a bad idea for several reasons... First, it was the evening and obviously a different time of day than I usually weigh. Second, I weighed with clothes on, and also usually use the restroom prior to weighing (sorry if TMI!! LOL)... Third, it's just really not a good idea to sneak a peek when you have NO time to do anything to change the number (and I weighed in 7 pounds higher Wednesday night, and basically the saw no change in the number from the previous week on Thursday morning...) I am a glutton for punishment I guess! LOL

The biggest thing I learned though is that it is not enough to just go through the motions. I cannot get complacent and just go with the flow when it comes to my weight loss and health gain. I have to be intentional in my efforts. I have to make every day count, every meal, every workout has to push me closer to my goal.

Another thing I learned is that I'm going to have some crappy days. Days where I just feel down. Nothing has to happen, no tragedy or drama has to take place. Just regular old bad days like everyone else. Only, I never used to let anyone know I had those days... I was always the happy one, always the one lifting every one else's spirits... And rather than talk about my feelings I ate them, good or bad.

I have to allow myself to be human, to be imperfect. I used to feel worthless, and like a failure (and I still struggle with that). But I never used to let anyone know I felt that way... I had to appear to be perfect and unfallible and strong and, well, super human I guess. How conceited is that! Oh my goodness... I was so deceived... But I know that acknowledging it is powerful and empowering. :)

In six weeks I'm going to be running a 5K. Yes, running. :) That is my goal. I've started training and am looking forward to accomplishing that goal and moving onto my next goal of finishing a half marathon in the spring. I know that getting into the physical condition required to run 13.2 miles is just not possible in 4-6 months, but, I will definitely be capable of FINISHING 13.2 miles by jogging and walking.

Pray for me as I train because believe me, I'm pushing myself harder than I ever have before!

Day 41... it's ok to be down

2009-12-01T19:09:00.000-05:00

The last few days have been a little rough for me emotionally. I think it has a little to do with hormones, a lot to do with a few sleepless nights, and a little everyday life thrown in the mix. :)

I always hold myself to a higher standard than anyone else... and lately that has certainly been the case. I have overindulged in dinner the past two nights. I woke up this morning feeling fat and bloated. I talked to Nancy and realized that part of my bloated feeling is probably due to all the lentils and the chili I've had the last few nights. LOL

Something else I realized today, thanks to Nancy, is that it is ok to feel down. It's ok to be human. I'm not going to feel fabulous every single day, and that's ok. This is a hard road, and a very long journey. It took a while, but I think the honeymoon phase is over. :)

While it may be ok to feel a bit down at times, it's NOT ok to beat myself up OR to wallow in sadness. I had forgotten to take captive every negative thought, turn it over to my Heavenly Father, and then replace it with a positive thought. Nancy reminded me to laugh, and enjoy my day, and stay positive. I think I got so caught up in everything else that I forgot all of that!

So, yes, today I was not feeling it (or yesterday...), but it's ok. I'll get through it, especially with the love, prayers, and support from Nancy, and all of my friends and family. :)

Days 39-40

2009-11-30T19:35:00.000-05:00

Being bored and/or unproductive is not a good thing for me. I had a wonderful holiday week with 5 days off. I was able to take naps, take walks, catch up on the DVR... and go out of my mind! LOL

I decided that having a job is a good thing for me. :) It gives me purpose, and keeps me from focusing on all the petty things I criticize myself for. This vacation was very needed as I was quite stressed out at work, and just needed to decompress. But after a week off, I know that while vacations are necessary, my job is as well. :)

Having goals, a purpose, and accountability are critical to success. At work we have goals to ensure that not only we as individuals are performing successfully, but also to help ensure that the organization as a whole is successful.

I'm finding the same to be true in healthy living. When I have goals, purpose and accountability in my eating and exercise habits I am much more successful. So far my goals have been automating, getting in my water, no sugar, and 30 minutes of walking daily.

In addition to those goals (which are now becoming a part of my every day life and so are not as difficult to achieve) I've decided on a long term goal, with some short term goals to help me reach it. I'm going to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon in March. In order to achieve that goal, I'm adding some jogging spurts to my walk which will gradually increase in length and intensity as I'm able.

Another goal I've got in my head is that I'd like to reach the 50 pound mark by New Years Day. That's about 4 pounds a week from my last weigh in to that weigh in.

Having these goals is helping me to remember that every day counts. Every day I have to stick to my plan, get off my butt and go exercise, avoid those foods that will sabotage my satiation. Every day is an opportunity to get one step closer to my goals.

Day 38

2009-11-28T21:44:00.000-05:00

Christmas time is here! :) Scott and I got our tree today, and we decorated the tree and the house for Christmas. I love Christmas! The movies and tv specials, the decorations, the time spent with family. It's my favorite time of year!!! :)

Growing up we didn't have a lot of money, but we were never hungry and we always had amazing Christmases. God blessed us in so many ways with food, gifts, love, and encouragement. When I look back on those years I am amazed at His goodness and provision. He loves us so much, and I am looking forward to celebrating that love, especially this time of the year, as it is a time to celebrate His ultimate gift to us. :)

Day 37

2009-11-27T18:51:00.000-05:00

It's interesting how the mind works. For many years I had convinced myself that the reason I couldn't lose weight was because of the PCOS. Like the best lies, this was partly true. PCOS does make a person more prone to gaining weight, and makes it infinitely more difficult to lose weight. This is especially true if you are eating sugar and refined carbs as the PCOS causes insulin resistance.

I had also convinced myself that the only way I would be the size I wanted to be was to have gastric bypass surgery. This scared me to death. I know the surgery can be successful, and has helped many people come from the brink of death to living a healthy life. I just couldn't convince myself that it was the right choice for me.

I told myself even if I did give up sugar and refined carbs and started exercising I would still be unable to lose weight. I half committed to countless diets over the years and would lose a little here and there, but would ultimately end up gaining more than I had lost. Which to me was proof that diets don't work for me. I could justify every bite, every sip, every day that went by without activity...

For the first time I'm proving myself wrong. I used to think that in losing weight and getting fit I would be able to prove to EVERYONE that I was worthwile and that I could do it. What I'm realizing now is that I needed to believe it myself. For so many years I have put myself down, thought I was fat and ugly, unredeemable, worthless...

I was looking at pictures of myself over the last 10-15 years and I was shocked to realize that I looked healthy up until about the time I graduated highschool and into my early 20's. All those years I had convinced myself that I was fat, that I was ENORMOUS. When I looked in the mirror at 10, 13, 16 years old all I saw was a chubby, whale of a girl with no self control and no worth.

It breaks my heart to look back at all those years I wasted being so consumed with worry about what other people thought of me and wallowing in my low self-esteem... Why is it so hard to believe that we are good, that we are worthwile, that we deserve to be happy and are perfectly fine just the way we are?

How it must break the Lord's heart to hear how we talk to ourselves and put ourselves down. We are fearfully and wonderfully made... knit together in our mothers womb... every hair on our head has been counted... Who are we to say that those hairs should be straighter, or curlier, or fuller, or thicker? Who are we to say that we should be taller or shorter? When we do that we are literally telling God that He made a mistake. When we tell ourselves we are worthless we are basically spitting in the face of our Creator.

This is not to say that we should not strive for health and wellness. God wants us to have balance in our lives. When food becomes our obsession we lose focus on who we were created to be. The same is true of money, pride, etc etc... In finding that balance we need to feed our bodies nutritionally satiating foods that fuel it well. We need to exercise and work towards being fit so that our bodies are better able to perform and handle day to day life.

I still struggle with all of this. I still want to eat everything in site. Some days it is so hard not to raid the fridge. Even though the only foods I'll find are good for me, binging even on those healthy foods still causes the same response in my brain as it would if it were pizza, burgers, fries, soda, and desserts. I'm still trying to figure out why I want to eat like that. Some days I can determine the root cause, other days I'm baffled...

I started out calling this the journey of my lifetime not fully appreciating the fact that it literally will take me a lifetime. I know that as I get further and further into the journey my struggles will be less and less, but they will still be there. I will continue to train my mind and body so that I am stronger and better able to resist all the temptations, but the temptations will still be there, and I'm ok with that. :)

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Days 35 & 36)

2009-11-26T21:06:00.002-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving my friends!! I hope you all had a blessed day with family and/or friends! I had a wonderful time with my family and really enjoyed catching up with everyone. I am so proud of myself for keeping to my few bites. :) I had a bite of ham, a bite of macaroni & cheese, a sip of egg nog and a bite of pumpkin pie. Yes, there a few more bites than I had intended, but all in all it was a very successful day.

Today was also weigh in day and I am down another 3.2 pounds (for a total of 27.2 lost)! Even better than that, I am down another inch in my waist for a total of 6 inches lost in my waist!!

I was a little bummed that I didn't lose more weight because I was about the same weight on Monday when I went to an annual doctor appointment... but, I'm going to focus on the positive fact that I have lost 7.5% of my weight in 5 weeks! And I'm nearly 1/4 of the way to my goal waist measurement. :)

I hope you all enjoy the rest of the weekend and have an opportunity to reflect on the many blessings God has given each of us. No matter what our circumstances, God is good and blesses up with so many things.

I am so thankful for my wonderful husband and family, for my dear, sweet friend Nancy who is walking beside me every day, for the roof over my head, for my job and so many other blessings. :)

Day 34

2009-11-24T20:41:00.002-05:00

As Thanksgiving is quickly approaching I've been trying to come up with alternatives to some of my favorites so that I can enjoy them without going off my plan. My all time favorite Thanksgiving food is cranberry sauce. Well, obviously the canned version is off limits since it's basically purple sugar gel. LOL But, I bought some fresh whole cranberries, some splenda for baking (not the 1/2 splenda, 1/2 sugar but ALL splenda), an orange, and a cinnamon stick. I'm going to make my own cranberry sauce! :)

My mom is being super supportive, of course, and is having some very yummy foods that I can enjoy. We'll have turkey breast, tons of veggies, sweet potatoes and regular potatoes, and even some sugar free yummies. :)

There will of course be those things that I am choosing to avoid, like macaroni & cheese, ham, rolls, tons of desserts, and eggnog...

Instead of focusing on what I'm not eating, I'm going to enjoy the foods I can eat and I'm also going to sample a couple of the foods I normally would avoid. I am going to have a bite of ham, and I am going to have a sip of eggnog.

You may think these are odd choices. LOL But, they are two things that taste like the holidays to me. Ham is a traditional food for us for Thanksgiving, along with turkey. Store bought egg nog is one of my favorite things about the holidays. It is so delicious and creamy... it just tastes like Christmas to me!

In allowing myself a taste of my two favorites I am hoping to avoid feeling left out, or like I'm missing something. I also am hoping to avoid the longing of wanting all the things I'm choosing not to eat (I keep saying "choosing not to eat" because that to me is more positive than saying I can't eat something).

My ultimate goal for Thanksgiving is to stay on plan, but enjoy a taste of the holidays without completely falling off the wagon. :) I'd love to hear some of your favorites and also some of the modifications you may make so that you can enjoy your favorite food in a healthy way!

Day 33

2009-11-24T12:09:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was day 33... unbelievable! I've been reading some of the comments and talking to some friends and I realize that maybe I was a little hard on myself. :) I've been focusing on the fact that I stopped at 1 bite and 1/2 cookie rather than on the fact that I tasted at all.

Also, I've come to realize WHY I was even tempted to begin with. I was confused about why I was so tempted to demolish the whole plate of cookies when just earlier that day I had successfully decorated 24 cupcakes without even wanting a lick of the batter or frosting. I seriously did not want even a taste! lol

I think it had a lot to do with my stress level. I feel very insecure around people I don't know, and until I get to know them that insecurity causes me a great deal of stress. On top of that, my husband and I had to walk down the aisle at the church twice, and then get up on the altar for the baptism. Way too many eyes looking at me!! LOL (you may find that odd since I willingly went on national television, but somehow that was different...)

Anyway, my stress level was super high, and the old me would have reacted with eating enough food for a family of 4! The new me struggled greatly with the old me causing me even more stress because I was mad at myself for wanting to eat! Vicious cycle I tell you...

Today I see how successful I really was in that moment. Instead of beating myself up for supposed failure, I am celebrating the fact that I was able to stay strong, and not completely fall of the wagon! What a victory! Every day I am getting sronger and better able to make healthy choices. I'm not allowing food or my emotions to control me (at least not completely) any longer. And for that, I celebrate!

Day 31-32

2009-11-22T19:00:00.000-05:00

Well, it happened. I got through making the cupcakes without a single taste. And then I got to my in-laws for the baptism celebration and I wanted to eat everything in sight! I wanted pizza and cookies, and cupcakes, and cheesecake... all of it! I did ok before leaving for mass and the baptism. I was feeling anxious and emotional and now I see how much of that triggers my desire to eat.

When we got back to the house for dessert, I tried all my tricks for avoiding the sweets... and yet I still had a bite of cheesecake and a half a cookie... ugh... so disappointed in myself!

I'm trying to chalk it up to a learning and growing experience. It could have been WAY worse! LOL I could have had an entire piece of cheesecake along with pizza and cupcakes and a plate of cookies... So while I did slip up, it certainly is not going to stop me from trying and continuing on in my new life. :)

I'm a lot more apprehensive about Thanksgiving now... But I'm going to take it one day at a time and one second at a time if I have to!

Thank you!

2009-11-20T22:20:00.001-05:00

I just want to thank everyone for the comments. I can't tell you how much your kind words help keep me motivated! Thank you so much for encouraging me and walking alongside me through this journey!!

Love,
Amy :)

30 Days into My New Life!! :)

2009-11-20T22:06:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it's been 30 days! What an amazing month it's been! When I started this journey 30 days ago I was so fearful of failure, hunger, and yet one more disappointment. I had no idea how I was going to make it work, and I was clueless as to how I was going to change myself in order to lose the weight forever like Nancy so emphatically told me I would.

Well, 30 days later I am completely new woman! I know that the weight I have lost so far is gone for good, and more is going to fall off week after week until I am down to my goal of weight of 165-175. In fact, I am excited to know that by this summer I will be very close to that goal, if not there!

Tomorrow is going to be a challenge for me. My sweet little 3 month old niece Mikayla is being baptized tomorrow evening. My sister-in-law asked me to make cupcakes for the family dinner (about 15 people will be there) because she liked the cupcakes I made for her baby shower... I of course said yes! :) And I am so happy to do it. But I know myself too well. LOL I know that the temptation will be huge and so I am asking for all of your prayers so that I will stay strong and not lick the batter, icing, or "sample" a cupcake. :)

I have a plan to keep my tongue away from the spoon. LOL I'll be having a very delicious piece or two of organic, 70% dark chocolate while I bake the cupcakes, and another piece or two while I ice them. I'm not super worried, but I am trying to be smart and plan ahead. I will not fail due to failing to plan! :)

"New" Old Pants!

2009-11-20T11:45:00.000-05:00

So today I had the urge to try on a pair of pants I haven't worn in probably 6-8 months. When I bought them last summer (July of '08) they were a tad snug, but they were $3 and how could I resist?!? LOL I actually bought 2 pair!

Well, slowly but surely they went from being a tad snug, to pretty snug, to obscenely snug! LOL So I stopped wearing them. This morning as I was getting ready (and realizing I did not have many options this morning because I hadn't done laundry the night before) I thought, hmmm.... maybe I'll try those gray pants on just to see...

Well, not only did they fit, they fit better than they did when I bought them! So incredibly amazing! Also, the shirt I put on today is now way to big and today will be the last time I will wear it! (which is kind of a shame because it's failry new and I've only worn it a handful of times lol)

I just wanted to encourage you all that this is possible! If I can do it, anyone can! Seriously!! :)

2009-11-19T21:59:00.001-05:00

Today is day 29 and I'm down 24lbs and 5"!!! How crazy is that?!?!? I will be down 50lbs by Christmas and I am so excited. Nancy pointed out that at this rate I will reach my goal weight within one year of bring on the show. By this summer I'll be down to 200! I'm amazed! It's working. I'm doing it and I will be successful and lose this weight FOREVER!! :)