New Blog Address!

I wanted to have the option for people to subscribe via email to this blog and found that Word Press has that option. So, follow me now on Amy's Journey to Health.

It's a fresh new blog where I'm hoping to grow and learn on this journey and take you along with me! :) Hope to see you there!!

One day at a time...

I'm trying to make short term goals that are challenging but achievable. I know that by setting intentions for each day I will get closer and closer to my long term goals. Thank you Jane for reminding me to take it one day at a time. :) Long term goals are good, but it's easy to lose focus and feel defeated. For now, my goal is to move for 30 minutes every day.

As a part of this 30 minutes a day I've decided to kind of try some new, but not really new, things. I'm doing the Couch to 5K program (C25K) right now because I really want to be a runner. It's great exercise, but it's also a good way to meet both my short and long term goals. The program is 3 days a week for 9 weeks. So, my goal is to do it Monday's, Wednesday's and Friday's. It's about 30 minutes and it integrates jogging intervals along with walking. Perfect for beginning runners! I've got one week under my belt so far, and tonight starts week two.

Last week I did the C25K only. Which means I did 30 minutes of cardio Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. This week my goal is to do the C25K Mon, Wed, Fri as well as elliptical Tues and Yoga Thursday. Cross training is important for runners because it helps you build important muscle and endurance. Also, I get bored so mixing it up is good for me. :)

At the end of the 9 weeks I have a 5K I want to do. The goal is to be able to run it from start to finish, but, I know that I can do a 5K regardless so, if I happen to not be at that level yet, I'll run as much as I can. I'll also be looking for other races to do in the summer and fall to keep up with my long term goal in 2012.

For now, I'm focusing on today. Today my goal is to do Week 2 Day 1 of Couch to 5K. My plan is to go home after work, change into my workout clothes and hit the pavement. I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow. :)

This is hard...

Every day is a struggle. A battle of wills. I want to eat what I want when I want. I want to skip the gym. And even when I go to the gym, I struggle to make it through 30 minutes and find myself desperate to get off the dang machine...

I feel good after hitting the elliptical or treadmill. I feel accomplished. I like seeing just how many calories I've burned off. But it is a struggle, day in and day out to just do it.

Right now I'm focusing on getting at least 30 minutes 5 days a week. For right now, that is a huge goal! Eventually I want to be at 60 minutes 6 days a week. But right now the thought of that literally brings me to tears. I don't know why, but I'm working on that too.

I really, really, really want to do the Disney Princess Half in 2012. That is a huge goal also! It will take dedication, training, and losing a lot of this weight to be successful.

But when I focus on that, I again want to cry. It seems impossible. I feel alone, and I often feel like a failure because I am struggling so much. I'm working on making better food choices every day, every meal. I'm working on making exercise a priority, and even more than that, a lifestyle.

But dang this is hard. I know that I can do it, but I don't know if I WILL do it. If that makes sense. Am I capable? Yes. Do I have the tools? Yes. Do I have the willpower and determination? Yes. Will I put that willpower and determination to use? I just don't know. One day at a time...

Full steam ahead!! :)

Since re-starting my journey, or more accurately, getting myself back in gear, I'm already down 3 pounds! It's been rough, but each day it gets just a little bit easier. Trying to make good choices, do away with negative thinking, and keep a healthy balance in all areas of my life. It really does make a difference! :)

Here I go... Again. Day 1 :)

October 2009 was an incredible month. It was the month I was contacted by the Dr. Oz show and flew to NYC to tape a life changing segment. I weighed 364 pounds and my waist was more than 60 inches... Not a good place to be for someone desperately wanting to be a mom.

Today, I have come a long way from the woman I was that fateful October day (the 21st to be exact). I lost over 70 pounds, and about 15 inches, and then... life happened. I wasn't prepared for the emotional turmoil. Nancy constantly tried to get me to analyze and understand the emotions behind my over eating. What was I feeling in the moment? I'm beginning to see that this truly is the key to overcoming this weight struggle. I'm not there yet, meaning I don't truly understand all the whys behind my eating. But I do know that I have deep seated issue with feeling good enough, worthy, worthwhile.

Living through an emotionally abusive marriage I allowed a lot of hurt and pain into my life. I allowed it because I honestly felt that not only would I not find anything better, I didn't feel I deserved any better. Five months ago I made an enormous decision to leave that marriage. I got to the point where I knew that whether I ended up being single the rest of my life I could not live the way I had been any longer.

Since leaving I have been happier than I ever thought possible. I have discovered boundaries, and yes, even a smidge of backbone along the way. I have discovered that true love does not seek to put down but to lift up. True love brings out the best in you, it doesn't make you afraid, it doesn't make you feel worthless. True love allows you to be you as you are right at that moment.

So, here I am, five months later, realizing that health and wellness is DEFINITELY not an option, it's a necessity. I have to live healthy, and whole, and free. I can't be chained down by pounds of hurt. I know it's going to be a long road, but since I've already travelled it successfully once I KNOW I CAN DO THIS.

It's gonna be hard. It's gonna be painful. It's gonna be the best damn thing I've ever done! :)

So here's to Day 1 of the rest of my life. I've managed to keep off about 20 pounds since October 2009. And I'm taking one day at a time, one pound at a time. I'll get there. And I'll do it in a way that works for me, and allows me to be me, just healthier. :)

Where to Begin...

The Princess Half didn't happen. I didn't train, and I procrastinated and I let myself down. I've come a long way since October 2009, but I still have so far to go. It's been a year since I've been completely on board with this whole health and wellness thing and that disappoints me. How do I find the motivation, the desire, the determination?

I've learned a lot about myself over the past several months and one thing is certain. My weight does not define me as a person. I have allowed it to dictate my self-worth for far too long. I have allowed other people to use me, abuse me, take me for granted, tell me I'm worthless, and much more all because I allowed my identity and self worth to be wrapped up in my body type. Not only did I allow it, I believed it.

Here is what I know today... I am giving, loving, kind, sincere, and yes, even beautiful. I know that I am not perfect, and I am learning to allow myself to make mistakes. The most important thing I am learning is boundaries and standing up for myself. It's definitely a work in progress, but I will get there. Because I am worth it.

Something else I've learned is that food really is my drug of choice. And like an addict, I have hurt people I love because of my addiction. I'm still working on the recovery, and it is a day at a time, minute at a time kind of thing. But I am also learning that I need to reach out to those I have hurt and apologize for doing so. Most of the time it was unintentional, but there are people I have hurt intentionally though my motive was not to hurt but to test. Not that it makes it any better... I hurt them. I wanted to see how true the friendship was, and did it in a sick way rather than a healthy way. And I've lost friendships because of it.

I hope that one day those relationships can be restored... I hope that one day I can fully recover from this addiction to food. I think I'm on my way... the emptiness and void I used to use food to fill is slowly filling with healthy love and healthy choices. So there is hope, even though I feel like I've wasted a lot of time getting here, I have to focus on the positive. One day at a time.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

So I'm less than two months away from my first ever half marathon and I'm officially freaking out... I am no where near as prepared as I should be, and my training has not exactly been happening. BUT, I'm not out yet! This week begins my new training program where my goal is to not get swept.

I've also started using Shakeology by Beachbody. You can check it out here. It has been a great meal replacement for breakfast as I've found mornings to be an issue for me since moving. I just can't seem to get myself ready in time to cook. LOL They also have some great workouts which I'm going to be trying in the coming months to help break out of the monotony and burn some fat! :)

This stage of transition seems to be smoothing out. I'll be moving again in about 4 more weeks (yes, again!) and I think once that's done I will feel more settled. I'll have my own space with all my stuff out of boxes LOL

Over the past few months it's been increasingly clear how important it is to surround yourself with giving, supportive, honest, caring people who love, challenge, motivate, and hold you accountable. This is of course opposed to having people in your life who, intentionally or otherwise, sabbotage, tear down, and feed into your insecurities...

As I move into the new year, and a new life really, I am overwhelmed by how little I valued myself... I allowed people and things in my life that were not healthy because I felt I didn't deserve any better, and thought I'd never find any better. Boy was I wrong! I deserve only the best, and I deserve to have love and respect and joy as much as the next person. Little by little I'm peeling away those insecurities and allowing my vulnerabilities to be exposed and raw and open... I'm healing from the inside out. :) And the funny thing is... it's showing up physically in pounds lost. Interesting how it all ties together! ;)