New Blog Address!

I wanted to have the option for people to subscribe via email to this blog and found that Word Press has that option. So, follow me now on Amy's Journey to Health.

It's a fresh new blog where I'm hoping to grow and learn on this journey and take you along with me! :) Hope to see you there!!

One day at a time...

I'm trying to make short term goals that are challenging but achievable. I know that by setting intentions for each day I will get closer and closer to my long term goals. Thank you Jane for reminding me to take it one day at a time. :) Long term goals are good, but it's easy to lose focus and feel defeated. For now, my goal is to move for 30 minutes every day.

As a part of this 30 minutes a day I've decided to kind of try some new, but not really new, things. I'm doing the Couch to 5K program (C25K) right now because I really want to be a runner. It's great exercise, but it's also a good way to meet both my short and long term goals. The program is 3 days a week for 9 weeks. So, my goal is to do it Monday's, Wednesday's and Friday's. It's about 30 minutes and it integrates jogging intervals along with walking. Perfect for beginning runners! I've got one week under my belt so far, and tonight starts week two.

Last week I did the C25K only. Which means I did 30 minutes of cardio Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. This week my goal is to do the C25K Mon, Wed, Fri as well as elliptical Tues and Yoga Thursday. Cross training is important for runners because it helps you build important muscle and endurance. Also, I get bored so mixing it up is good for me. :)

At the end of the 9 weeks I have a 5K I want to do. The goal is to be able to run it from start to finish, but, I know that I can do a 5K regardless so, if I happen to not be at that level yet, I'll run as much as I can. I'll also be looking for other races to do in the summer and fall to keep up with my long term goal in 2012.

For now, I'm focusing on today. Today my goal is to do Week 2 Day 1 of Couch to 5K. My plan is to go home after work, change into my workout clothes and hit the pavement. I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow. :)

This is hard...

Every day is a struggle. A battle of wills. I want to eat what I want when I want. I want to skip the gym. And even when I go to the gym, I struggle to make it through 30 minutes and find myself desperate to get off the dang machine...

I feel good after hitting the elliptical or treadmill. I feel accomplished. I like seeing just how many calories I've burned off. But it is a struggle, day in and day out to just do it.

Right now I'm focusing on getting at least 30 minutes 5 days a week. For right now, that is a huge goal! Eventually I want to be at 60 minutes 6 days a week. But right now the thought of that literally brings me to tears. I don't know why, but I'm working on that too.

I really, really, really want to do the Disney Princess Half in 2012. That is a huge goal also! It will take dedication, training, and losing a lot of this weight to be successful.

But when I focus on that, I again want to cry. It seems impossible. I feel alone, and I often feel like a failure because I am struggling so much. I'm working on making better food choices every day, every meal. I'm working on making exercise a priority, and even more than that, a lifestyle.

But dang this is hard. I know that I can do it, but I don't know if I WILL do it. If that makes sense. Am I capable? Yes. Do I have the tools? Yes. Do I have the willpower and determination? Yes. Will I put that willpower and determination to use? I just don't know. One day at a time...

Full steam ahead!! :)

Since re-starting my journey, or more accurately, getting myself back in gear, I'm already down 3 pounds! It's been rough, but each day it gets just a little bit easier. Trying to make good choices, do away with negative thinking, and keep a healthy balance in all areas of my life. It really does make a difference! :)

Here I go... Again. Day 1 :)

October 2009 was an incredible month. It was the month I was contacted by the Dr. Oz show and flew to NYC to tape a life changing segment. I weighed 364 pounds and my waist was more than 60 inches... Not a good place to be for someone desperately wanting to be a mom.

Today, I have come a long way from the woman I was that fateful October day (the 21st to be exact). I lost over 70 pounds, and about 15 inches, and then... life happened. I wasn't prepared for the emotional turmoil. Nancy constantly tried to get me to analyze and understand the emotions behind my over eating. What was I feeling in the moment? I'm beginning to see that this truly is the key to overcoming this weight struggle. I'm not there yet, meaning I don't truly understand all the whys behind my eating. But I do know that I have deep seated issue with feeling good enough, worthy, worthwhile.

Living through an emotionally abusive marriage I allowed a lot of hurt and pain into my life. I allowed it because I honestly felt that not only would I not find anything better, I didn't feel I deserved any better. Five months ago I made an enormous decision to leave that marriage. I got to the point where I knew that whether I ended up being single the rest of my life I could not live the way I had been any longer.

Since leaving I have been happier than I ever thought possible. I have discovered boundaries, and yes, even a smidge of backbone along the way. I have discovered that true love does not seek to put down but to lift up. True love brings out the best in you, it doesn't make you afraid, it doesn't make you feel worthless. True love allows you to be you as you are right at that moment.

So, here I am, five months later, realizing that health and wellness is DEFINITELY not an option, it's a necessity. I have to live healthy, and whole, and free. I can't be chained down by pounds of hurt. I know it's going to be a long road, but since I've already travelled it successfully once I KNOW I CAN DO THIS.

It's gonna be hard. It's gonna be painful. It's gonna be the best damn thing I've ever done! :)

So here's to Day 1 of the rest of my life. I've managed to keep off about 20 pounds since October 2009. And I'm taking one day at a time, one pound at a time. I'll get there. And I'll do it in a way that works for me, and allows me to be me, just healthier. :)

Where to Begin...

The Princess Half didn't happen. I didn't train, and I procrastinated and I let myself down. I've come a long way since October 2009, but I still have so far to go. It's been a year since I've been completely on board with this whole health and wellness thing and that disappoints me. How do I find the motivation, the desire, the determination?

I've learned a lot about myself over the past several months and one thing is certain. My weight does not define me as a person. I have allowed it to dictate my self-worth for far too long. I have allowed other people to use me, abuse me, take me for granted, tell me I'm worthless, and much more all because I allowed my identity and self worth to be wrapped up in my body type. Not only did I allow it, I believed it.

Here is what I know today... I am giving, loving, kind, sincere, and yes, even beautiful. I know that I am not perfect, and I am learning to allow myself to make mistakes. The most important thing I am learning is boundaries and standing up for myself. It's definitely a work in progress, but I will get there. Because I am worth it.

Something else I've learned is that food really is my drug of choice. And like an addict, I have hurt people I love because of my addiction. I'm still working on the recovery, and it is a day at a time, minute at a time kind of thing. But I am also learning that I need to reach out to those I have hurt and apologize for doing so. Most of the time it was unintentional, but there are people I have hurt intentionally though my motive was not to hurt but to test. Not that it makes it any better... I hurt them. I wanted to see how true the friendship was, and did it in a sick way rather than a healthy way. And I've lost friendships because of it.

I hope that one day those relationships can be restored... I hope that one day I can fully recover from this addiction to food. I think I'm on my way... the emptiness and void I used to use food to fill is slowly filling with healthy love and healthy choices. So there is hope, even though I feel like I've wasted a lot of time getting here, I have to focus on the positive. One day at a time.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

So I'm less than two months away from my first ever half marathon and I'm officially freaking out... I am no where near as prepared as I should be, and my training has not exactly been happening. BUT, I'm not out yet! This week begins my new training program where my goal is to not get swept.

I've also started using Shakeology by Beachbody. You can check it out here. It has been a great meal replacement for breakfast as I've found mornings to be an issue for me since moving. I just can't seem to get myself ready in time to cook. LOL They also have some great workouts which I'm going to be trying in the coming months to help break out of the monotony and burn some fat! :)

This stage of transition seems to be smoothing out. I'll be moving again in about 4 more weeks (yes, again!) and I think once that's done I will feel more settled. I'll have my own space with all my stuff out of boxes LOL

Over the past few months it's been increasingly clear how important it is to surround yourself with giving, supportive, honest, caring people who love, challenge, motivate, and hold you accountable. This is of course opposed to having people in your life who, intentionally or otherwise, sabbotage, tear down, and feed into your insecurities...

As I move into the new year, and a new life really, I am overwhelmed by how little I valued myself... I allowed people and things in my life that were not healthy because I felt I didn't deserve any better, and thought I'd never find any better. Boy was I wrong! I deserve only the best, and I deserve to have love and respect and joy as much as the next person. Little by little I'm peeling away those insecurities and allowing my vulnerabilities to be exposed and raw and open... I'm healing from the inside out. :) And the funny thing is... it's showing up physically in pounds lost. Interesting how it all ties together! ;)

time flies

So, I've been MIA for a while, but things are going really well. I've started dropping pounds again and have lost about 10 more pounds in the last couple weeks. A few things have contributed to this I think... Work has been insane and I literally don't have time to eat (not good) but also, I'm not feeling the desire to eat like I used. I find that I want to eat when I'm hungry, and when I'm not I don't. This is a new concept for me... I think a lot of it has to do with emotions.

I felt trapped for so long... I wasn't able to be me. My only escape was food because I couldn't let on how bad things really were. I didn't even realize how bad things were. I've learned a lot these last few months and it's been a really good thing. I'm discovering what true love, commitment, and caring really are and it's been incredible.

I hope everyone has had a wonderful holiday, and has a safe and happy New Year. :)

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda...

In this phase of my life I find myself reflecting on decisions and choices over the last days, months, and even years... The only constant in my life these days are my loving family and my great job. And they have both been lifesavers! However, I am nowhere near where I wanted to be or even thought I'd be at this point.

I am separated, living with family, and turning to food way more than I should, and frankly more than I even want to... It's just such a habit even still. I have gained a lot of the weight back and that is BEYOND frustrating. I'm so mad at myself for allowing food to continue to control me. I should be SO much further than this in my journey.

But then I stop and think... In the last year or so since being on Dr. Oz I've moved three times, lost my job, got a new job, had two family members in the hospital due to serious illness, separated from my husband, had to give my dog to a new owner, and downsize all of my belongings into 4 storage tubs and some reusable bags... Not an easy year by any stretch of the imagination, but it certainly could have been worse.

How do I get past the urge to eat when my life feels out of control. Even though several of those life events were due to choices I made, the ramifications had lasting effects and even a few unknown consequences. Not that I'd change any of those choices, but I would change my reaction to the stress and emotion of it all.

The last four and a half weeks specifically have been very tough on my eating. I've been living in a transition of sorts as I figure out what I'm doing and of course, eating out has been a LOT easier than trying to plan, shop, and cook. However, I feel like crap, and I'm gaining weight and I DON'T LIKE IT ONE BIT!

So today I'm taking back my health and wellness! I'm writing down everything that goes in my mouth. I'm being planful and taking the necessary few minutes to ensure that I'm prepared for snack attacks and boredom. I'm going to go for a walk/jog tonight too and I'm actually looking forward to it. :)

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

I AM DOING THIS!

I'm still alive!!

It's been way too long since my last post, but that's because a lot has happened in my life and I just have not been able to take the time write... well, I guess I have chosen to other things instead because for once I just was not sure what to write at all.

I've had some very big life changes over the past few weeks, and I'm still adjusting to them as well as to a few more to come. It has been extremely difficult, but all in all my life has never been better.

Food has been a real struggle though... mostly because I've been on the go and having to eat out more. But I'm getting back into a routine, and looking forward to my half marathon in a few months.

I've been very sick with a massive sinus/upper respiratory infection for about 6 weeks now. It's made it nearly impossible to work out and train. But as I slowly begin to feel better I'm incorporating more and more activity into my life and will back on track in no time.

Thank you for all of the love while I was MIA. :) I'm going to do my best to blog at least once a week if not 2-3 times a week. It's so good for me! :)

Goals, motivation, and moving forwad

As some of you know it's been a little rough for me the past few months in terms of staying on track. Life can really get in the way of your best intentions! I've done a lot of thinking and praying about this and I know that I'm not giving up. I'm going to get to my end goal, and I'm going to be healthy and fit. It's just going to take some time, and I'm not really able to predict how long because I honestly don't know.

I do know that I can do my best to set realistic, achievable goals for the short term and the long term that will help me along in this journey to health and wellness. And I also know that these goals will help me stay motivated and keep moving forward, even if it is at a snails pace. :)

We're in the countdown to the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. Only 6 more days! I haven't gotten in the training I was hoping for due to sinus infection and life in general, but my goal still stands. My goal is to jog the entire race and to finish faster than my last 5K at less than 48 minutes (I'd really like to see it less than 45 minutes!).

My next goal is to run a 5k on the November 6th for the American Diabetes Association. Again, I want run the whole thing, and shave off time (even if it's just a few seconds).

I got a little ambitious and signed up for a 15K for the following weekend! I'm a little nervous about this one, but know that I have plenty of training time in front or me, and I also know that it will be a good preparation for the half marathon in February. For the 15K my goal is to run the whole thing (9.3 miles) and try to average a 16 minute mile pace. If I can do that, I think it will help my fears of being swept at the half. :)

To achieve these goals I've done a couple different things. First, I've started the Couch to 5K program and also downloaded an app to train for the half. Apart from the last 2 weeks, I've gone jogging 5-7 days a week about 2 miles each time. Also, to help with the endurance part for the longer runs I've planned, I've started using my elliptical. Yesterday I did 5 miles! And I did it in 75 minutes which is approximately a 15 minute mile pace! I really like have the milage goal on the elliptical rather than a time goal like I used to do because I can control how long it takes me to do the miles. :)

I've still got so far to go, but I'm feeling pretty positive that I will get there. I have a lot of bad habits, wrong thinking, and negativity to overcome and it's going to take some time to do that. Here's to changing my life one day at a time!

The Dreaded Scale!

My scale and I have not been seeing eye to eye for some time now... I admit, I have not held up my end of the bargain as well as I should be. But really? Does it have to be so traumatic to step on a scale? Why do I equate the scale with success or failure rather than how I'm feeling physically? I feel great! I've been running more than I thought possible, I've been more consistent lately than before. And yet, I step on the scale and see that?!?

So how do I go from panic attacks prior to weigh in to just looking at the number as one data point of many in calculating my success? How do disassociate the emotion from the scale?

I know that the number is important, but I also know that it is not the ONLY measure of my success (at least intellectually I get that, but not so much on the emotional level). Ugh... Just gotta keep trying!

I am me

I find that I compare myself to just about anyone and everyone. The problem with that is that I never match up. I'm never as fast, as quirky, as funny, as cute, as creative, as slim, as perky, as (insert random attribute/quality here). I do this more than I even realize. For every instance that I recognize this behavior there are probably 10+ others I don't. It has become almost like a part of my nature.

But I'm getting to the point in this journey and in my life that I don't want to be like anyone else. I am me. I am beautiful, smart, loving, caring, giving, funny, creative, inclusive, thoughtful, and more. Before today I would never have written that, and definitely wouldn't have spoken it aloud because I would have thought it to be arrogant. But I am not arrogant, I am definitely fallible and for every one of those qualities there are others that I need to work on and improve to be the woman God intended me to be.

I am not going to lose weight as fast as this person or that. I am going to lose it as fast as I am able to. I am not going to "get it" and overcome this food addiction in the same way or time frame as someone else, but I am going to do it the perfect amount of time for me. Because I am me.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made to be just who I am. I was not a mistake. Every step I take in this life was pre-ordained by God, and I can only follow Him and do my best. I am no one else, and I answer to no one other than my Heavenly Father. Because I am me. And that is good enough.

Breaking the Guilt Cycle

This weekend was a rough one for me emotionally. I've been dealing with some issues and it's just been very tough. I tend to be an emotional eater when I feel trapped, misunderstood, and/or out of control of the situation. This weekend was no exception.

I made some very poor choices in the midst of my good ones and today I'm feeling very guilty. I think the guilt is because tomorrow is weigh day and I don't want to disappoint Nancy or myself. I am still trying to figure out how to change my thinking toward food when I'm in the middle of an emotional "crisis" and all I want to do is eat.

It really bothers me that I can't just do it already. It seems simple enough... follow the food plan Nancy and I created for the week, exercise 5 days minimum, weigh in and see results... I can't seem to just do it though. I know the issues are deeper than that, and that if it really were that simple no one would be obese... and yet, I expect myself to do it because I know how to do it.

I want to be more positive and cut myself slack, but then I worry that if I am too lenient I'll just let myself do anything, but I don't want to be too hard on myself, and so they cycle continues.

I need this. I need God to open my eyes and heart to the true "why" and to help me walk in freedom from this addiction to food. I obviously can't do it on my own, and it's really hard to let it go.

Actions speak louder than words

In my last post I told all of you that I wanted to run some 5K's and build up to February's Princess Half Marathon. Well, I'm not just talking about it! I signed up for the October 17th Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K and have pledged not just to run, but to try to raise $100.00 for the cause. I also signed up for the  Florida Hospital Celebration Health 5K & 10K on November 14th. I am running both for a total of 9.3 miles! Kinda scared, but excited too! Lastly (for now at least) I officially signed up to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon on February 27th! Very excited about this one, and know that WHEN I accomplish it, it will be absolutely incredible!

The best part of all this "talking" about running is that it has led to other people wanting to train with me and join me in the Race for the Cure 5K! My mom and I are going to do the Couch to 5K training 5 days a week (since we only have 4 weeks instead of 9 this works great) and my brothers girlfriend is going to do 3 of those 5 days with us. We're all going to do the race together! I'm so excited!!! I have a little support group going.  :-)

Once I finish the C25K I also have a half marathon training regimen I am going to start. My mom may join me with that too which would be awesome! If you have any tips on gearing up for a race I would love to have them!

So far, my actions are matching my words. As I finish these races and achieve my goals, they will definitely be much louder! :)

5K's, 10K's, Half-marathons... Oh my!

Lately I can't help thinking about why things feel so different in terms of weightloss than they did when I first began this journey. Obviously a big one is that the "honeymoon" stage is over. :) Can't really fix that, but, there are other things. When I was in my first 12 weeks of this journey I had very specific fitness goals. At first it was walk 30 minutes a day. Then I decided I wanted to do a 5K and so I began incorporating running into my walks. Then I found out that the Oz crew was coming and hosting my very own 5K and things got very serious! LOL

Basically, that whole time I had a goal in mind. The last several months I have had goals, but it hasn't seemed the same. I haven't had a race to prepare for, or TV appearance to motivate me. I've just had real life... and I lost some of that passion and drive because I didn't have that end goal.

Well, I do now! I decided that I am going to run the Race for the Cure 5K. Last year when Scott and I walked it I had just come back from NYC and the beginning of my new life. I told myself that day that next year I'd run it. Well, it's next year! So, I'm going to train to run that 5K.

My biggest ambition is to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February. This is very scary for me. You have to keep a 16 minute mile or you get "swept". Also, if I don't train seriously, I'll be setting myself up for failure. I am worried about investing all this time (and money) and not finishing, BUT I'm not going to let fear stop me! I'm going to run it and I'm going to focus on the finish line.

In preparation for the half marathon I'm heading over to Track Shack tomorrow to have a gait analysis done and check out the shoe wall. I'm in desparate need of new running shoes so I'll be purchasing a new pair ASAP.  Also, in addition to the Race for the Cure, I've found some local 5 and 10K's between now and the half marathon that will help me to prepare physically.

My confidence is, quite honestly, not that high. I'm hoping that by accomplishing some of these smaller fitness goals my confidence will soar back to where it was and beyond. Since the honeymoon is over, I have to figure out how to make this my daily life because that's the only way I'll be truly successful!

It's all in your head...

From Day 1 Nancy and Dr. Oz have said this weight loss journey would be a mental shift as well as a physical one. I thought I knew what they were talking about, and in some ways I guess I did. I knew that my eating was more mental than physical, but I didn't realize how much I was subscribing to the whole "just eat less and work out more" mentality.

If that's all it took, I'd so be there! But it's not that simple. Yes, in order to lose weight you have to eat less calories and exercise more. But the only way to do that with long term results is get to the bottom of WHY you are eating in the first place. I still haven't cracked that one for myself, but I'm starting to.

I like to eat to deal with stress, insecurity, anger, bitterness, and fear. Notice a trend? It's all negative! When I'm happy, joyous, celebratory, and calm my mind does not wander to food. I usually want to share that time with my family and loved ones. When I'm feeling stressed, insecure, angry, bitter, scared, etc I want to be alone... and I want to eat. ALONE. I do not like to overeat in front of people. I actually don't like eating in front of people in general.

When I'm feeling down I withdraw and I turn to food. I thought this was because I found comfort in food, but I've realized that is not the case... I find solace in food that I am what I thought I was. A failure, worthless, and undeserving of happiness. I have struggled with self-esteem for most of my life. I have definitely gotten better at valuing myself and realistically acknowledging that I am worth while.

But in my darkest times, in my saddest moments it feels as though all those things I know to be true about myself fly out the window. And so I eat. And confirm the fact that I'm no good. And then I feel worse, and eat some more, and the hoplessness and vicious cycle continue.

This weekend the Lord showed me that I do deserve to be happy. He created me. And He makes no mistakes. He wants me to rejoice and be joyful no matter my situation or circumstances. In my darkest times and in my brightest times I am to worship Him and rejoice.

And it struck me... I need to learn to be content. In the moment. In any situation. I need to be content and greatful for all that I have been given. Only then can I know true joy. Being skinny won't make me happy. Being a mom won't make me happy (as hard as that is to say). Only He can bring true joy and I need to derive my joy from Him.

Turn it around!

I realize my post yesterday only shared the negative side of what I've been facing. I want to take a few posts to show you what I'm doing to turn those negatives around! Today I'm going to address the first two of my saboteurs!

1. Not Following the 5 Rules: Dr. Oz advocates that there are 5 foods to avoid to achieve and maintain a healthy weight and lifestyle. No sugar, no high fructose corn syrup, no trans fat, no saturated fat, and nothing enriched.

If you have ever looked at labels you will notice that the majority of processed foods have all of those ingredients! That's because they make the food last longer on the shelf, and of course make it extra tasty. :) It takes some time and some digging to find the foods that do not have those in the first 5 ingredients, or even at all. But it's so worth it! I firmly believe that my cycles got normal so quickly because I eliminated those from my diet. These days I have added a little here and a little there, but I need to get back to basics!


2. Eating Out: My husband and I really enjoy eating out. That can be hard when you're trying to learn how to eat healthy because the temptations are right there for taking! What I've found that helps me is to plan ahead. I would decide where we wanted to go and then look online for the nutritional information. Now, I'm not so sure how accurate the information is, but I figured it was better than nothing. I would find 2-3 options that I could choose to enjoy so that once we got to the restaurant I would be prepared. Lately I've just ignored my inner voice and ordered whatever I wanted regardless of the nutritional value. To combat that, I'm trying to eat out less, and cook more.

Now, if your schedule is anywhere near as crazy as mine then cooking every day is not only overwhelming, but near impossible. So, I decided to try an experiment this week with my cooking. On Sunday I was in a cooking frenzy! I prepared Scott's and my breakfasts (egg white omelets) so that all we had to do was heat and go in the mornings. I also made huge pot of lentil soup that I portioned into individual servings for lunches. And then I made 4 nights worth of chicken, prepared with a yummy coconut milk sauce, for our dinners that I would serve with a frozen bag of veggies. This way, my cook time was about 15 minutes tops, rather than 30-60 minutes every night. Since we don't get home until 930pm, this was a lifesaver! We're still working on the dinner thing though, because that's just too late to be eating a full dinner. But I'll let you know what I come up with!

Slow and Steady Wins the Race... right?

Nancy told me from Day 1 that I would need to take baby steps in order to make giant leaps in health and wellness. Slow and steady wins the race! But even "slow" implies forward movement and progress. For the last 8 months I've hovered around the same 10 pounds, gaining and losing, gaining and losing with virtually no forward movement or progress. I've learned a lot, but now I need to start applying what I've learned.

Nancy had me come up with the Top 10 Things Keeping Me From Success. Usually when I get these type of assignments I struggle to come up with half of what I've been asked. But this time I knew I needed to get to the bottom of this, and I put a lot of time and prayer into it and this is what I came up with in literally about 10 minutes:

10 Reasons I’ve Not Been Successful
1. Not following the 5 Rules
a. No Sugar
b. No HFC Syrup
c. No Trans Fats
d. No Saturated Fats
e. Nothing Enriched

2. Eating out (and making poor choices)
a. Chicken Philly
b. Ice Cream
c. French Fries
d. Mushroom Swiss Angus Burger Meal (McD’s)
e. Frappuccino’s
f. Goldfish, chocolate, candy, chips,

3. Not being honest
a. I gained another 3 pounds this week and weigh 313.8 as of this morning… but I led Nancy to believe that I was in the 290’s for several weeks…(*it's taking everything I have not delete this bullet
b. Tell other people, and Nancy that I have been doing well, that I’m eating what I should be when I really have not
c. Binging, and not exercising.

4. Not being vigilant/consistent
a. Waiting until day or two before weigh day to be “good”

5. Not focused
a. Made excuses to eat/not exercise

6. Rebellious (want what I want when I want it)
a. Not even emotional, just the thought would strike and I get mad I “can’t have it” so I’d either eat it anyway or binge on something else until my craving subsided

7. Not writing down everything that passes my lips (out of sight, out of mind)
a. I really thought I wasn’t being that “bad”… but the scale showed otherwise, and I know had I written down everything I would have been shocked.

8. Lack of portion control (not measuring, taking seconds, etc)
a. I would both take the correct portion size and then go back for more, or I would just take what I wanted and ignore the fact that it was too much.

9. Not having “emergency” foods on hand to combat the munchies/cravings
a. With moving I allowed my fruit and veggie supply to dwindle and had no carrots or celery to munch on and also very few veggies to add to lunches/dinners to bulk up my meals.

10. Not having and/or not following a daily meal plan
a. Even when I had meal plans I did not stick to them 100%
b. Feel like “I’ve got it” and know what I can/cannot eat… but failing to plan REALLY is planning to fail…

It's difficult to share this in it's entirety because it is the raw, real, honest truth of how I've been operating the last several months. I am very ashamed of my actions and behavior, particularly the dishonesty to the one person who has been by my side since day 1 cheering me on.
 
Since then, Nancy and I have been going over these one by one and coming up with practical ways to change each of these sabatogers into success builders! My nature is to be so hard on myself, and I'm working on that too. I cannot change the past, but I can make decisions today that can make me successful one minute, one hour, one meal, one day at a time.
 
As a sweet friend reminded me, the mind and thoughts are very powerful. We need to take EVERY thought captive to the Lord, and we need to redirect our thoughts from the negative to the positive. My goal today is turn each negative thought around and come up with a positive replacement so that I am living in TRUTH rather than in guilt.

Feeling Fat

Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel fat? Your clothes fit the same, you even weigh the same, but you feel bloated, frumpy, slow, and fat? I'm having one of those days (ok, weeks). My eating is getting back on track, and instead of feeling better I am feeling run down, tired, and just plain crappy. I'm not sure if I'm coming down with something or if it's just that time of the month, but I could really use a boost right now.

What I really want to do is drive home, crawl into bed and wake up in a few days. But, honestly, I know that won't do any good. So, what I'm going to try to do today is focus on this verse:

1 Peter 4:19

"So if you are suffering according to God's will, keep on doing what is right, and trust yourself to the God who made you, for he will never fail you."

I'm going to do what Nancy reminds me to do and that is to trust the process. My body has had to tolerate a lot of things it probably thought I'd eliminated forever. And now it is working to restore balance and functionality to what it should be. So I will keep "suffering" knowing that if I trust God HE will never fail me. :)