Finally!!

For the last several weeks I have either lost 1 pound or stayed the same for a total of about 5 pounds lost in the last 6-8 weeks... SO FRUSTRATING!! The last 3-4 weeks I have been much more dilligent in keeping my focus and not straying for "just a bite" here or "just a little taste" there. I haven't been perfect, but hey, who is?

Well today, I finally had a spectacular weigh in!! I lost 3.4 pounds!!! SO EXCITING! I wanted to do a little dance, but I was already running late for work LOL

I feel like I'm getting my groove back. I'm leaving behind my legalistic, all or nothing tendencies for a more gracious mindset. So, rather than beating myself up for those bites and tastes I am acknowledging them and trying to just move on to the next thing without feeling like I've blown it.

Definitely a journey, and rather than worry about how fast I'm getting to the destination I'm trying to enjoy the progress along the way. :)

Never thought I'd say it but...

I had so much fun trying on dresses for my brothers upcoming wedding! :)

I love shopping, but I hate, and I mean HATE trying on clothes. Nothing ever fits right, and I get all hot and sweaty trying to wrangle myself into this garment or that one... And the worst is when you are with other people trying things on. Ugh... It's so embarrassing having to ask for the largest or next size up. I remember trying on dresses for my wedding and literally drooling over the beautiful gowns before stopping short and realizing they would not come in my size. I was fortunate to find a dress that I loved and that fit (barely), but I cannot honestly say it was my "dream dress".

This shopping trip was exciting because I was curious to see what sizes would fit me since I've lost some weight. I started pulling gowns and daringly pulled a 22 ignoring my instinct to automatically find the largest size available, a 30.

I got to the dressing room with a few different sizes just in case and to my astonishment was not only able to get the 22 on, it even zipped up a couple inches! And for those of you who aren't familiar with bridal store sizes, they can run freakishly small!! LOL I was on cloud 9 trying on about 5 different gowns and loving it when one was too big (a definite first for me).

What I loved most about this experience is that I was able to enjoy the journey without having to focus on the destination. I have a long way to go to get to my goal weight, but I'm trying to find little things here and there to celebrate and enjoy along the way. This was definitely one of those times!

Something else this journey is teaching me is that I can be a very negative person, but I'm learning to be more positive. Celebrating little milestones and accomplishments is way more positive than focusing on the fact that I still have 100+ pounds to lose. It can be frustrating and defeating to focus on that! I'd rather focus on how far I've come and celebrate the things I'm taking back in my life because those things spur me on toward reaching that final goal!

The truth will set you free

Hi, my name is Amy and I'm addicted to food.

Jesus tells us the truth will set us free, and I've been seeing that to be true in many ways along this weight loss journey. Lies, deceipt, and even ommissions will only get in the way of success. When I am open, honest, and acknowledge my weaknesses only then am able to let it go, seek the help I need, and move to healthier place.

I am addicted to food. I turn to food when I'm happy, sad, celebrating, mourning, bored, busy, etc etc etc. No matter the circumstances or situation my mind is constantly focused on food. When is my next meal/snack, what is it going to be, will there be food left in the breakroom, do I have what I want at home/work... It is all consuming and in a weird way comforting. I love food. I could eat all day from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. I could eat sweets, chips, crackers, cereal, sandwiches, vegetables, fruits, salads, ANYTHING at any time. The weird thing is, I don't want all of this food because I'm hungry. When I'm physically hungry (and not just thirsty or bored) I actually do not feel like eating at times.

Nancy gave me a challenge of sorts in which every day the first thing I need to do is say to myself, my name is Amy and I am a food addict. Then, I am to give it over to God and ask Him to fill me and satiate my hunger, to take away the desire and physical "need" to eat to excess.

Today is the first day I've done this, and I have to say it does make me stop and think about why I want to eat. I had a filling, yummy breakfast and lunch. I treated myself to a square of dark chocolate. And I'm satisfied. I found myself craving something crunchy and salty. I sat there, thinking about this, and said to myself, I'm not hungry, I'm just wanting to eat. Lord, please take away this desire to binge.

And you know what, I was able to focus on something else and will now make it to my appointed snack time without having indulged in something that would have made me feel guilty later.

God is good, and He is seeing me through this one moment at a time.

Focusing on the good

I'm doing a new Bible Study with Nancy that has a focus on weightloss and God's Goodness. A lot of the questions really make you think about the good things God has done, not just in the bad times, but also in the good times. It has forced me to put a lot of thought into how I think about things and my mentality. I didn't realize just how negative my mindset was! I'm working toward renewing my mind toward a healthier lifestyle, but I never thought about how important it was to also renew my mind toward a healthier, more positive, mindset.

You hear that saying a lot, "God is good all the time! And all the time God is good!" You hear it so much that it becomes cliche and loses it's meaning. God really is good, and EVERYTHING He creates is good. He tells us this in Genesis when He is creating the world. He took stock of all He created and it was GOOD. He doesn't make mistakes, and He knows each of us even before we were a thought...

I have realized that I focus a lot on the negative... I focus on all of the "bad" things going on rather than the good things God is doing. My job is stressful and overwhelming, I can't get pregnant (yet anyway), we're struggling financially (still), my mom is having health issues, and on and on it goes. What I SHOULD be focusing on is that I have my dream job and it has been such a blessing to my husband and I; while we can't get pregnant yet, I am seeing more signs of increased "fertility"; God has provided for our home, our car, and even for some fun things, so even though money is tight, it could be WAY worse; my mom is doing so much better and is healing beautifully... and on and on it goes! :)

So, even if things are looking great for you and your family, don't lose sight of the good things! And if things aren't looking so good (or when things start taking a turn for the worse) don't forget all of the wonderful blessings and good times you have had because God loves us and wants good things for us and we need to cling to Him through EVERYTHING because He is there for us through it ALL.

thoughts and ramblings

Well, my new weigh in day is Mondays in hopes of helping to control my weekend eating. :) Today I weighed in and found I had lost 2 pounds. So I'm out of the 300's again! Woohoo! :) 298 is not what I was hoping for, but I'll take it.




This is such a struggle for me! I have gotten to this point before in previous diets and I think it's where I always gave up. In the beginning it's easy, and my perfectionist nature prevails. But after a while, my will gets weaker and weaker and I allow a nibble of this and a bite of that until it's a whole pizza or a gallon of ice cream and I'm officially "off the wagon" again.



But, I'm not off the wagon this time and I have to say that having support is the main difference. The struggles and challenges are still there, don't get me wrong, but having someone to be personally accountable to changes things. Knowing that I have to tell Nancy what I ate, or that I gained does help to keep me on track - somewhat. I still have to do the work, and I still have to convince myself that it's worth it somedays.



See, I have only known failure when it comes to weight loss. I'm almost afraid to succeed because then what? What will I focus on if not my weight? And also, I'm finding that there is comfort in blaming my infertility on my weight because what if I get skinny and STILL can't get pregnant? Then what?!?!?!



So, my priorities and reasonings for losing the weight has to be health and wellness. Being a mom would be an amazing benefit. Feeling beautiful and thin and pretty would be a benefit. But they cannot be my reasons because there is no guarantee that I'll conceive. And we all know our feelings are usually not rooted in fact so while the world around me may say I'm pretty or thin or beautiful, I still may not feel that way even at my goal weight...



So many things in my life are tied to food, eating, weight, body image... It's been a long road, and it's longer still but I just have to believe that no matter the outcome, it WILL be worth it.

I am human!! And that's ok...

Someone commented on one of my "losing patience" Facebook status updates saying "so you are a real person!" And it struck me... to most people I'm someone who was on TV, so I'm not "real". What I mean is, we see people on Dr. Oz, or any other talk show type show and we think, "well of course they are successful, they aren't like me" and we shrug off their success because it's not "real".

Well, I AM a real person. And, like most real people, I have good days and bad, good weeks and bad. Lately it's been more bad than good when it comes to my eating. I have allowed my surroundings and my circumstances to be stronger than my will.

I like being in control. I like order, and plans, and clear direction. I like black and white. So, when my life is in turmoil (i.e. husband in the hospital, mom ill and in the hospital for surgery twice, issues with other family members, stressful new job where I am having to learn so much and feel a lot of pressure to do well) I compensate for the lack of control by eating. I can "control" that, and more than that, it gives me comfort. That comfort is fleeting, but in the moment it feels so good.

But, it derails my weightloss success and then I feel guilty, frustrated, angry, and bitter and then eat more... and more... and then I get rebellious and say "screw it!" and eat whatever I feel like eating.

And then I'm back at 300 pounds... a number I thought I had said goodbye a long time ago. But the reality is, the mental shift and reprogramming that I had been working so hard towards was slowly but steadily being undone by poor choices. Because rather than turn to God and draw on His strength to see me through my circumstances, I turned to the immediate gratification of pizza, cookies, chips, ice cream, etc...

I lost sight of my goal. I was putting food before my dream of having a baby,  but more than that I have been putting food before my God. It is an idol as much as it is an addiction.

So, for those of you following my story I want you to know that I am just like anyone else. I have fears, struggles, successes, victories, crappy days and joyous days.

After some serious prayer and thought I have found a new focus and new attitude. I cannot do this on my own. It is an impossible task to try to accomplish (95% of people fail!!). But, with my God anything is possible. And I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. So with Him I will beat this. And you can too. That was the LAST time I will EVER see a 3 in front of my weight!

Up, down, and all around...

It has officially been 6 months since I started this journey and it has been quite a roller coaster ride indeed. Some incredibly amazing highs and some very low lows... Through it all lost weight, gained weight (twice!) and stayed the same weight (twice!). The only constant through it all has been my rock and coach and personal Wellness Warrior Nancy, and my deep rooted addiction to food. Yes, I believe that like an alcoholic, I will always be a "recovering" food addict.

Hi, my name is Amy, and I'm addicted to food.

Now, you might think that's kind of depressing, and some days it really is. This is an incredibly difficult journey and I am constantly learning new things about food, my emotions, my mentality, my reactions, my reasoning, and the list goes on and on. It can be very overwhelming at times, especially when my everyday life decides to pop in to the picture too! :)

This year (and it's only April) I have lost a job, gotten a new job, my husband had surgery, my in-laws moved in with us, and now they are moving out, we've had a car engine blow, we've had some serious illness both with myself and my husband and our immediate family... Life doesn't stop, in fact, it's pretty much a constant battle of dealing with the every day normal (and abnormal!) life stresses. Take away my "crutch", my self-imposed "saviour" FOOD and it can take a bad situation to a formidable one real quick.

I thought for sure that it would be smooth sailing by now. I mean, come on, I've lost 75 pounds, I'm working out 45-60 minutes a day, my body has completely changed and my mind has changed a lot too. But I'm beginning to realize that this constant desire for chocolate, sugar, pizza, cereal, etc, etc, etc just may never completely go away. I think I'm always going to want that stuff, but I'm equiping myself to be able to say no to it and make better choices, whereas before I had no power to say no. Do I always stay strong and "just say no"? Of course not. I'm human, I'm weak. But I'm learning.

Again, this is sounding quite depressing, but I'm actually finding it to be empowering. Some days life is going to suck, we all have to face that. :) But eating a gallon of ice cream doesn't change that, and it usually makes it worse by the time your spoon scrapes the bottom of the bucket!

Over the last 5 weeks I've lost only 7 pounds. That kind of bummed me out. I mean, I had weeks where I was losing 7 pounds at a time! But rather than beat myself up, I'm trying to realize that sometimes the learning that takes place during those weeks where I gained or stayed the same is actually more important than number on the scale.

This literally is the journey of my lifetime, meaning, I will be on this journey until the day I die. Lord willing, that's quite a long way away! :) So, while I need to focus on the day to day, I can't lose sight of the big picture either.