It's all in your head...

From Day 1 Nancy and Dr. Oz have said this weight loss journey would be a mental shift as well as a physical one. I thought I knew what they were talking about, and in some ways I guess I did. I knew that my eating was more mental than physical, but I didn't realize how much I was subscribing to the whole "just eat less and work out more" mentality.

If that's all it took, I'd so be there! But it's not that simple. Yes, in order to lose weight you have to eat less calories and exercise more. But the only way to do that with long term results is get to the bottom of WHY you are eating in the first place. I still haven't cracked that one for myself, but I'm starting to.

I like to eat to deal with stress, insecurity, anger, bitterness, and fear. Notice a trend? It's all negative! When I'm happy, joyous, celebratory, and calm my mind does not wander to food. I usually want to share that time with my family and loved ones. When I'm feeling stressed, insecure, angry, bitter, scared, etc I want to be alone... and I want to eat. ALONE. I do not like to overeat in front of people. I actually don't like eating in front of people in general.

When I'm feeling down I withdraw and I turn to food. I thought this was because I found comfort in food, but I've realized that is not the case... I find solace in food that I am what I thought I was. A failure, worthless, and undeserving of happiness. I have struggled with self-esteem for most of my life. I have definitely gotten better at valuing myself and realistically acknowledging that I am worth while.

But in my darkest times, in my saddest moments it feels as though all those things I know to be true about myself fly out the window. And so I eat. And confirm the fact that I'm no good. And then I feel worse, and eat some more, and the hoplessness and vicious cycle continue.

This weekend the Lord showed me that I do deserve to be happy. He created me. And He makes no mistakes. He wants me to rejoice and be joyful no matter my situation or circumstances. In my darkest times and in my brightest times I am to worship Him and rejoice.

And it struck me... I need to learn to be content. In the moment. In any situation. I need to be content and greatful for all that I have been given. Only then can I know true joy. Being skinny won't make me happy. Being a mom won't make me happy (as hard as that is to say). Only He can bring true joy and I need to derive my joy from Him.

Turn it around!

I realize my post yesterday only shared the negative side of what I've been facing. I want to take a few posts to show you what I'm doing to turn those negatives around! Today I'm going to address the first two of my saboteurs!

1. Not Following the 5 Rules: Dr. Oz advocates that there are 5 foods to avoid to achieve and maintain a healthy weight and lifestyle. No sugar, no high fructose corn syrup, no trans fat, no saturated fat, and nothing enriched.

If you have ever looked at labels you will notice that the majority of processed foods have all of those ingredients! That's because they make the food last longer on the shelf, and of course make it extra tasty. :) It takes some time and some digging to find the foods that do not have those in the first 5 ingredients, or even at all. But it's so worth it! I firmly believe that my cycles got normal so quickly because I eliminated those from my diet. These days I have added a little here and a little there, but I need to get back to basics!


2. Eating Out: My husband and I really enjoy eating out. That can be hard when you're trying to learn how to eat healthy because the temptations are right there for taking! What I've found that helps me is to plan ahead. I would decide where we wanted to go and then look online for the nutritional information. Now, I'm not so sure how accurate the information is, but I figured it was better than nothing. I would find 2-3 options that I could choose to enjoy so that once we got to the restaurant I would be prepared. Lately I've just ignored my inner voice and ordered whatever I wanted regardless of the nutritional value. To combat that, I'm trying to eat out less, and cook more.

Now, if your schedule is anywhere near as crazy as mine then cooking every day is not only overwhelming, but near impossible. So, I decided to try an experiment this week with my cooking. On Sunday I was in a cooking frenzy! I prepared Scott's and my breakfasts (egg white omelets) so that all we had to do was heat and go in the mornings. I also made huge pot of lentil soup that I portioned into individual servings for lunches. And then I made 4 nights worth of chicken, prepared with a yummy coconut milk sauce, for our dinners that I would serve with a frozen bag of veggies. This way, my cook time was about 15 minutes tops, rather than 30-60 minutes every night. Since we don't get home until 930pm, this was a lifesaver! We're still working on the dinner thing though, because that's just too late to be eating a full dinner. But I'll let you know what I come up with!

Slow and Steady Wins the Race... right?

Nancy told me from Day 1 that I would need to take baby steps in order to make giant leaps in health and wellness. Slow and steady wins the race! But even "slow" implies forward movement and progress. For the last 8 months I've hovered around the same 10 pounds, gaining and losing, gaining and losing with virtually no forward movement or progress. I've learned a lot, but now I need to start applying what I've learned.

Nancy had me come up with the Top 10 Things Keeping Me From Success. Usually when I get these type of assignments I struggle to come up with half of what I've been asked. But this time I knew I needed to get to the bottom of this, and I put a lot of time and prayer into it and this is what I came up with in literally about 10 minutes:

10 Reasons I’ve Not Been Successful
1. Not following the 5 Rules
a. No Sugar
b. No HFC Syrup
c. No Trans Fats
d. No Saturated Fats
e. Nothing Enriched

2. Eating out (and making poor choices)
a. Chicken Philly
b. Ice Cream
c. French Fries
d. Mushroom Swiss Angus Burger Meal (McD’s)
e. Frappuccino’s
f. Goldfish, chocolate, candy, chips,

3. Not being honest
a. I gained another 3 pounds this week and weigh 313.8 as of this morning… but I led Nancy to believe that I was in the 290’s for several weeks…(*it's taking everything I have not delete this bullet
b. Tell other people, and Nancy that I have been doing well, that I’m eating what I should be when I really have not
c. Binging, and not exercising.

4. Not being vigilant/consistent
a. Waiting until day or two before weigh day to be “good”

5. Not focused
a. Made excuses to eat/not exercise

6. Rebellious (want what I want when I want it)
a. Not even emotional, just the thought would strike and I get mad I “can’t have it” so I’d either eat it anyway or binge on something else until my craving subsided

7. Not writing down everything that passes my lips (out of sight, out of mind)
a. I really thought I wasn’t being that “bad”… but the scale showed otherwise, and I know had I written down everything I would have been shocked.

8. Lack of portion control (not measuring, taking seconds, etc)
a. I would both take the correct portion size and then go back for more, or I would just take what I wanted and ignore the fact that it was too much.

9. Not having “emergency” foods on hand to combat the munchies/cravings
a. With moving I allowed my fruit and veggie supply to dwindle and had no carrots or celery to munch on and also very few veggies to add to lunches/dinners to bulk up my meals.

10. Not having and/or not following a daily meal plan
a. Even when I had meal plans I did not stick to them 100%
b. Feel like “I’ve got it” and know what I can/cannot eat… but failing to plan REALLY is planning to fail…

It's difficult to share this in it's entirety because it is the raw, real, honest truth of how I've been operating the last several months. I am very ashamed of my actions and behavior, particularly the dishonesty to the one person who has been by my side since day 1 cheering me on.
 
Since then, Nancy and I have been going over these one by one and coming up with practical ways to change each of these sabatogers into success builders! My nature is to be so hard on myself, and I'm working on that too. I cannot change the past, but I can make decisions today that can make me successful one minute, one hour, one meal, one day at a time.
 
As a sweet friend reminded me, the mind and thoughts are very powerful. We need to take EVERY thought captive to the Lord, and we need to redirect our thoughts from the negative to the positive. My goal today is turn each negative thought around and come up with a positive replacement so that I am living in TRUTH rather than in guilt.

Feeling Fat

Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel fat? Your clothes fit the same, you even weigh the same, but you feel bloated, frumpy, slow, and fat? I'm having one of those days (ok, weeks). My eating is getting back on track, and instead of feeling better I am feeling run down, tired, and just plain crappy. I'm not sure if I'm coming down with something or if it's just that time of the month, but I could really use a boost right now.

What I really want to do is drive home, crawl into bed and wake up in a few days. But, honestly, I know that won't do any good. So, what I'm going to try to do today is focus on this verse:

1 Peter 4:19

"So if you are suffering according to God's will, keep on doing what is right, and trust yourself to the God who made you, for he will never fail you."

I'm going to do what Nancy reminds me to do and that is to trust the process. My body has had to tolerate a lot of things it probably thought I'd eliminated forever. And now it is working to restore balance and functionality to what it should be. So I will keep "suffering" knowing that if I trust God HE will never fail me. :)

Wellness Champion

My company is in the process of launching a health and wellness initiative to get people thinking about and taking action towards better health. When I heard they were looking for "Wellness Champions" to help lead this effort I knew I had to be involved! I wanted to do it to show other people that they can start living healthy no matter their current health state, but most of all, I thought it would be a great accountability tool for me.

I was so excited for our first meeting, looking forward to meeting the other Wellness Champions and finding out exactly how I could get involved. I got to the meeting room and was instantly deflated. Sitting around the table were about 10 thin, well put together, "healthy looking" women. Not only was I the only overweight person there, but not one of them had even a few pounds to lose... My old self-depricating, self-loathing thought patterns were creeping in and I felt VERY self-conscious and out of place. A very familiar place, and yet still uncomfortable and heart breaking. So, I took a seat and tried to make myself appear as small as I possibly could. If I could have thrown on Harry Potter's invisibility cloak I would have!

I did my best to focus on the conversation rather than on what I thought people might be thinking about me. I was not at all prepared for my reaction! The old me would probably not have joined in the first place, but if I had I would have expected this very scenario! Despite my distraction, I found out a lot of cool information and am very excited about what we will be doing in the coming months. Every now and then I had to literally stop myself, and re-direct my focus to the meeting.

It really bothers me that I am so self-conscious even still. I think that my slacking off and not being diligent to follow the plan has a lot to do with it. I've literally eaten my self-confidence away! I have rebuild my self-confidence and reprogram my mind (again) that I am just as capable, and just as worthy of being a Wellness Coach as any of those ladies in there. Health is not determined by your size, though we all know it is a good indicator skinny does not equal healthy.

What I learned, and am still learning, is that I do have value, and I have every right to share what I've learned so far with other people so they can in turn begin their own journey to health and wellness. I can't let my weight rob me of my passion.

Fighting My Will

Romans 7:15-25

I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead,

I do what I hate.

But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. 

So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.

I want to do what is right, but I can’t. 

I want to do what is good, but I don’t.

I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 

But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 

I love God’s law with all my heart. 

But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind.

This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 

Oh, what a miserable person I am!

Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 

Thank God!
The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.

So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

This has been for the last several months. I know what I need to do. I know what is good and right. But I do the opposite. I do what I shouldn't do. Since January I have gained and lost, and lost and gained... My total weight loss as of 8/18 was only 52 pounds. It should have been closer to 75, if not 100. I had allowed people to believe that was case also, lying to cover my shame. I hurt someone very close to me, and now I have to rebuild that trust.

For the first time in my life I feel like an "addict". I did whatever I could to get my next "fix". I lied, spent money I didn't have, broke the trust of a dear friend. I am so ashamed and embarrassed that it is exceedingly difficult to even type this.

Since asking for forgiveness, I have felt a relief, because I'm no longer hiding, but also a deep sadness. I have allowed food to control my life and my actions beyond even what I thought was possible. I am still struggling to give that over to God, and with Nancy's help I am working to stick to a regimented plan to get me back on track and seeing the success I need to boost my confidence.

But I'm really struggling to shake this sadness. My first Dr. Oz episode aired last week and I saw how far I had let myself go, and how far I've come since then. People reached out to me, new friends and old, to congratulate me on my success so far and also to cheer me on. But I felt, and kind of still feel, like a fraud. Yes, I have lost 52 pounds and I worked very hard to do so. But I almost let it all go just to eat more.

I have a dear friend and coach who cheers me on and inspires and encourages me daily in so many ways; sacrificing herself for my benefit. I received an amazing gift of a top of the line piece of equipment, I could never have gotten on my own, as a reward for my hard work but also to spur me on. I have perfect strangers looking up to me for support and inspiration. And despite all of that, I just didn't care enough not to eat. I wanted it so I ate it. And now I'm paying the price as I try to rebuild relationships, reboot my body, re-engage my mind and spirit.

Nancy asked me why I felt I did these things, why I feel I can't lose the weight. My first response was "I'm not worth it". She begged to differ, pointing out all of the reasons I should know and believe I am worth it. And she is right. I do know that. But I think what I felt was that because of my actions I don't deserve it. I've taken people and things for granted so why should I deserve it?

Then it hit me... I'm living and acting as though I can control this on my own. I'm not giving it to God, and asking Him to help me with this burden, this thorn in my side. As Paul says in the scripture above, It is not me, it is the sin in me. Here I am, 10 months into this journey, and I'm still trying to learn things that I've been trying to learn since day 1. I had allowed myself to become cocky, and think I had it all down. And so I allowed a bite of this and a taste of that, until it became a plate of this and a cup of that. I kept telling myself that I'd be really "good" this week and then I'll get to where I want to be so I don't have to say that I've gained x amount of pounds. But that number never got to where it should have been because my actions were never what they should have been.

And here I am. On my knees. Asking for forgiveness. From my family, my friends, my Coach Nancy, and also from myself. I'm very good at beating myself up and holding myself to impossible standards. I'm trying to forgive myself, and learn from this so that in the next 10 months and beyond I can have a different story to tell. One of being an overcomer. One of achieving health and wellness (despite myself!). And one of Hope.

We are Moving! Again...

Scott and I have had financial difficulties our entire relationship. Between old debts, new debts, etc it was something we knew we had, and wanted to work on together. We have not done a great job of working on our finances, and with each of us losing our jobs 6 months apart and then taking several weeks each to find new jobs we've taken a beating in the finance realm. Add to that some other issues, and you have yourself a financial planners nightmare. :)

We both have dreamed on one day owning a home of our very own. However, we thought it would just be a dream for many years to come. Then Scott found this great community with an amazing opportunity for us to own our own home. I thought, sure, why not? We can go look, it won't hurt anything... not really expecting anything to come of it.

We saw a beautiful brand new home, never lived in, great floorplan and dream kitchen. I fell in love with it, and thought, one day maybe we'll get a house like this. We went through the application process, thanked the Sales Manager and went on our way. I had no expectation of anything coming of it. In my mind there was no way we would get approved, so I didn't even hope.

Well, fast forward a few days and not only were we approved, but if we moved by this week they would even buy us out of our apartment lease! I was floored. So we scrambled around trying to get the deposit money arranged, and get it all in order. We're packing up our apartment and will be in our home this weekend!

We're having some issues with our apartment complex in that they don't want to cooperate with our buyout... but we're trusting God to do His thing and know that it will all work out.We have some helpers for loading up the truck on Friday, and are praying for some volunteers to help us on Saturday or it's going to be a REALLY long day for us! LOL