Full steam ahead!! :)

Since re-starting my journey, or more accurately, getting myself back in gear, I'm already down 3 pounds! It's been rough, but each day it gets just a little bit easier. Trying to make good choices, do away with negative thinking, and keep a healthy balance in all areas of my life. It really does make a difference! :)

Here I go... Again. Day 1 :)

October 2009 was an incredible month. It was the month I was contacted by the Dr. Oz show and flew to NYC to tape a life changing segment. I weighed 364 pounds and my waist was more than 60 inches... Not a good place to be for someone desperately wanting to be a mom.

Today, I have come a long way from the woman I was that fateful October day (the 21st to be exact). I lost over 70 pounds, and about 15 inches, and then... life happened. I wasn't prepared for the emotional turmoil. Nancy constantly tried to get me to analyze and understand the emotions behind my over eating. What was I feeling in the moment? I'm beginning to see that this truly is the key to overcoming this weight struggle. I'm not there yet, meaning I don't truly understand all the whys behind my eating. But I do know that I have deep seated issue with feeling good enough, worthy, worthwhile.

Living through an emotionally abusive marriage I allowed a lot of hurt and pain into my life. I allowed it because I honestly felt that not only would I not find anything better, I didn't feel I deserved any better. Five months ago I made an enormous decision to leave that marriage. I got to the point where I knew that whether I ended up being single the rest of my life I could not live the way I had been any longer.

Since leaving I have been happier than I ever thought possible. I have discovered boundaries, and yes, even a smidge of backbone along the way. I have discovered that true love does not seek to put down but to lift up. True love brings out the best in you, it doesn't make you afraid, it doesn't make you feel worthless. True love allows you to be you as you are right at that moment.

So, here I am, five months later, realizing that health and wellness is DEFINITELY not an option, it's a necessity. I have to live healthy, and whole, and free. I can't be chained down by pounds of hurt. I know it's going to be a long road, but since I've already travelled it successfully once I KNOW I CAN DO THIS.

It's gonna be hard. It's gonna be painful. It's gonna be the best damn thing I've ever done! :)

So here's to Day 1 of the rest of my life. I've managed to keep off about 20 pounds since October 2009. And I'm taking one day at a time, one pound at a time. I'll get there. And I'll do it in a way that works for me, and allows me to be me, just healthier. :)

Where to Begin...

The Princess Half didn't happen. I didn't train, and I procrastinated and I let myself down. I've come a long way since October 2009, but I still have so far to go. It's been a year since I've been completely on board with this whole health and wellness thing and that disappoints me. How do I find the motivation, the desire, the determination?

I've learned a lot about myself over the past several months and one thing is certain. My weight does not define me as a person. I have allowed it to dictate my self-worth for far too long. I have allowed other people to use me, abuse me, take me for granted, tell me I'm worthless, and much more all because I allowed my identity and self worth to be wrapped up in my body type. Not only did I allow it, I believed it.

Here is what I know today... I am giving, loving, kind, sincere, and yes, even beautiful. I know that I am not perfect, and I am learning to allow myself to make mistakes. The most important thing I am learning is boundaries and standing up for myself. It's definitely a work in progress, but I will get there. Because I am worth it.

Something else I've learned is that food really is my drug of choice. And like an addict, I have hurt people I love because of my addiction. I'm still working on the recovery, and it is a day at a time, minute at a time kind of thing. But I am also learning that I need to reach out to those I have hurt and apologize for doing so. Most of the time it was unintentional, but there are people I have hurt intentionally though my motive was not to hurt but to test. Not that it makes it any better... I hurt them. I wanted to see how true the friendship was, and did it in a sick way rather than a healthy way. And I've lost friendships because of it.

I hope that one day those relationships can be restored... I hope that one day I can fully recover from this addiction to food. I think I'm on my way... the emptiness and void I used to use food to fill is slowly filling with healthy love and healthy choices. So there is hope, even though I feel like I've wasted a lot of time getting here, I have to focus on the positive. One day at a time.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

So I'm less than two months away from my first ever half marathon and I'm officially freaking out... I am no where near as prepared as I should be, and my training has not exactly been happening. BUT, I'm not out yet! This week begins my new training program where my goal is to not get swept.

I've also started using Shakeology by Beachbody. You can check it out here. It has been a great meal replacement for breakfast as I've found mornings to be an issue for me since moving. I just can't seem to get myself ready in time to cook. LOL They also have some great workouts which I'm going to be trying in the coming months to help break out of the monotony and burn some fat! :)

This stage of transition seems to be smoothing out. I'll be moving again in about 4 more weeks (yes, again!) and I think once that's done I will feel more settled. I'll have my own space with all my stuff out of boxes LOL

Over the past few months it's been increasingly clear how important it is to surround yourself with giving, supportive, honest, caring people who love, challenge, motivate, and hold you accountable. This is of course opposed to having people in your life who, intentionally or otherwise, sabbotage, tear down, and feed into your insecurities...

As I move into the new year, and a new life really, I am overwhelmed by how little I valued myself... I allowed people and things in my life that were not healthy because I felt I didn't deserve any better, and thought I'd never find any better. Boy was I wrong! I deserve only the best, and I deserve to have love and respect and joy as much as the next person. Little by little I'm peeling away those insecurities and allowing my vulnerabilities to be exposed and raw and open... I'm healing from the inside out. :) And the funny thing is... it's showing up physically in pounds lost. Interesting how it all ties together! ;)

time flies

So, I've been MIA for a while, but things are going really well. I've started dropping pounds again and have lost about 10 more pounds in the last couple weeks. A few things have contributed to this I think... Work has been insane and I literally don't have time to eat (not good) but also, I'm not feeling the desire to eat like I used. I find that I want to eat when I'm hungry, and when I'm not I don't. This is a new concept for me... I think a lot of it has to do with emotions.

I felt trapped for so long... I wasn't able to be me. My only escape was food because I couldn't let on how bad things really were. I didn't even realize how bad things were. I've learned a lot these last few months and it's been a really good thing. I'm discovering what true love, commitment, and caring really are and it's been incredible.

I hope everyone has had a wonderful holiday, and has a safe and happy New Year. :)

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda...

In this phase of my life I find myself reflecting on decisions and choices over the last days, months, and even years... The only constant in my life these days are my loving family and my great job. And they have both been lifesavers! However, I am nowhere near where I wanted to be or even thought I'd be at this point.

I am separated, living with family, and turning to food way more than I should, and frankly more than I even want to... It's just such a habit even still. I have gained a lot of the weight back and that is BEYOND frustrating. I'm so mad at myself for allowing food to continue to control me. I should be SO much further than this in my journey.

But then I stop and think... In the last year or so since being on Dr. Oz I've moved three times, lost my job, got a new job, had two family members in the hospital due to serious illness, separated from my husband, had to give my dog to a new owner, and downsize all of my belongings into 4 storage tubs and some reusable bags... Not an easy year by any stretch of the imagination, but it certainly could have been worse.

How do I get past the urge to eat when my life feels out of control. Even though several of those life events were due to choices I made, the ramifications had lasting effects and even a few unknown consequences. Not that I'd change any of those choices, but I would change my reaction to the stress and emotion of it all.

The last four and a half weeks specifically have been very tough on my eating. I've been living in a transition of sorts as I figure out what I'm doing and of course, eating out has been a LOT easier than trying to plan, shop, and cook. However, I feel like crap, and I'm gaining weight and I DON'T LIKE IT ONE BIT!

So today I'm taking back my health and wellness! I'm writing down everything that goes in my mouth. I'm being planful and taking the necessary few minutes to ensure that I'm prepared for snack attacks and boredom. I'm going to go for a walk/jog tonight too and I'm actually looking forward to it. :)

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

I AM DOING THIS!

I'm still alive!!

It's been way too long since my last post, but that's because a lot has happened in my life and I just have not been able to take the time write... well, I guess I have chosen to other things instead because for once I just was not sure what to write at all.

I've had some very big life changes over the past few weeks, and I'm still adjusting to them as well as to a few more to come. It has been extremely difficult, but all in all my life has never been better.

Food has been a real struggle though... mostly because I've been on the go and having to eat out more. But I'm getting back into a routine, and looking forward to my half marathon in a few months.

I've been very sick with a massive sinus/upper respiratory infection for about 6 weeks now. It's made it nearly impossible to work out and train. But as I slowly begin to feel better I'm incorporating more and more activity into my life and will back on track in no time.

Thank you for all of the love while I was MIA. :) I'm going to do my best to blog at least once a week if not 2-3 times a week. It's so good for me! :)