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Wednesday, April 20, 2011

This is hard...

Every day is a struggle. A battle of wills. I want to eat what I want when I want. I want to skip the gym. And even when I go to the gym, I struggle to make it through 30 minutes and find myself desperate to get off the dang machine...

I feel good after hitting the elliptical or treadmill. I feel accomplished. I like seeing just how many calories I've burned off. But it is a struggle, day in and day out to just do it.

Right now I'm focusing on getting at least 30 minutes 5 days a week. For right now, that is a huge goal! Eventually I want to be at 60 minutes 6 days a week. But right now the thought of that literally brings me to tears. I don't know why, but I'm working on that too.

I really, really, really want to do the Disney Princess Half in 2012. That is a huge goal also! It will take dedication, training, and losing a lot of this weight to be successful.

But when I focus on that, I again want to cry. It seems impossible. I feel alone, and I often feel like a failure because I am struggling so much. I'm working on making better food choices every day, every meal. I'm working on making exercise a priority, and even more than that, a lifestyle.

But dang this is hard. I know that I can do it, but I don't know if I WILL do it. If that makes sense. Am I capable? Yes. Do I have the tools? Yes. Do I have the willpower and determination? Yes. Will I put that willpower and determination to use? I just don't know. One day at a time...