Baby Steps

Well, vacation was wonderful!

First day at the condo :)

We relaxed, enjoyed the beach and especially the time with my family. I brought tons of healthy foods, and I made the best plans to stay "good". I must admit that I ate a LOT of things I shouldn't have. However, it could have been WAY worse, and I'm trying to celebrate the small successes and victories I had in my good choices, and learn from my not so good choices.

I made time to work out and did it in a fun way. While we were in the pool I treaded water like I was drowning. We also played a fun game of pool "volleyball" which was so much fun. I took walks on the beach as well as treking through our massive hotel. And my brother, husband and I swam laps for a while in the indoor pool.

So, how did I do on weigh day???? Not so great. I gained 3 pounds. BUT, I am not devestated.

If you remember, the last two times I "fell off the wagon" I gained 5 pounds. This time, I was more intentional, sometimes I intentionally ate badly though LOL. But I think I made some really good substitutions, and made some really good choices. Could I have done better? Absolutely! Obviously if I had stuck to my plan and worked out even more I could have stayed the same or even lost weight.

But I'm celebrating the fact that my "failures" are starting to improve, and I'm learning so much about myself. Like I said before, I didn't get to this size in a few months, and I won't get to goal in a few months either. It takes time, and it takes baby steps.

I'd say I took a few baby steps this vacation and I'm hopeful that the next time I'm in this situation my relults are going to be even better!

Sweet Girl! :)

Cousins, Uncles, and Pa-Pa playing on the beach :)

Vacation Time!!!

Almost every year for as long as I can remember my family has spent a week at the beach over the summer. My parents scrimped and saved so that we could have wonderful time of relaxation and fun in the sun. I can count on one hand the number of years we have not been able to go. It's a Roman family tradition, and one we have all come to enjoy and appreciate very much.

So, needless to say, I'm VERY excited about the fact that Scott and I get to join my family this year for the first 4 days of the Roman Family Vacation!! I'm excited, and yet, apprehensive...

You see, I'm still learning how to say to no to a lot of foods. My first 12 weeks or so on the program I was a fanatic and very hard core. Then real life set in and the honeymoon was over, and I've had a REALLY hard time being consistent, which has also led to less weight loss... ugh...

I know that we will be eating out tonight and Monday night. Tonight is pizza (of course!) and while I know I shouldn't, I am not sure I'm going to be strong enough to say no, and just enjoy a salad... Monday night is Olive Garden so I'm not so worried about that one, except for the dreaded breadsticks. LOL

So, here is my plan... I'm bringing tons of perfectly healthy things along with us so that I'll have options when it comes to snacking and "sweets" (i.e. fruit and/or dark chocolate). I'm also going to talk to my family and ask them to help me stay accountable and not just eat like someone who hasn't seen food in a few years. :)

My goal for this week was lose 4 pounds by Monday, July 19. Frankly, I'm just praying I don't gain. Losing 4 pounds, while on vacation no less, would be unbelievable... Not gaining seems hard enough, but realistic. LOL

So, I'm asking everyone to be praying that I my will will be stronger than my stomach and my eyes! That I won't lose sight of what I want the most for what I want in the moment. And that I can make this a LIFESTYLE and not simply a diet... I HAVE to learn how to live every occassion and every day in a healthy way. I know it won't happen overnight (or even in 7 months!). I have 30+ years of bad habits to overcome... But, it all starts with making the first step... and then the next... and then the next... :)

This is my life... not a diet

I realized a few days ago that I had the mindset that this was going to get easier. That somehow it would just be my nature and I would "get it"... Because of this attitude I've found myself sabotaging my progress and letting my guard down. Rather than being intentional and vigilant, I've been lackadaisical and oblivious...

If I had kept up a 3 pound a week weight loss from my last Dr. Oz appearance I would be at 238 pounds right now. Even a 2 pound a week weight loss would have been 264 pounds which would be 100 pounds lost. Right now I'm about 30 pounds heavier than that.

Don't get me wrong, I know that losing 70 pounds in 7 months is pretty darn good. And I'm celebrating all of my success, and all that I have learned along the way.

BUT

I cannot allow myself to stand in my own way anymore. I need to FOCUS. I need to be INTENTIONAL. I have to be VIGILANT.

And I have to be all of those things for the rest of my life. Getting to goal weight does not mean the war is over. I think it will have just begun. It's STAYING at goal weight that is the true success. And I can and will get there.

Nancy gave me a great quote that I've been reflecting on a lot lately...

"Don't lose sight of what you want the most for what you want in moment."

And that's just how it is with food. I want something so much in the moment. And when I gratify that desire, I then have the guilt and regret that follow for a lot longer than a moment! I need to learn how to tell myself no for my own benefit. For my own growth and development I have to learn patience and not give in to the automatic instant gratification mode I've lived in for 30+  years...

It's interesting... like a parent who tells their child "no" because they know better, I tend to be the strong willed, rebellious "child", but need to learn how to be the wiser, self-sacrificing "parent" who know what is better for myself and to say no when I need to.

Enough

I went for a brisk walk with my little dog Maggie last night and decided to take my iPod with me and listen to some worship music. I was walking along enjoying the fresh air and the good music when it hit me during Chris Tomlin's song Enough that I needed to listen to it one more time and really, REALLY listen to it. It applies so well to my food addiction and controlling nature... Here are the words:

All of You is more than enough for all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with Your love

And all I have in You is more than enough

You are my supply

My breath of life

And still more awesome than I know

You are my reward

worth living for

And still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with Your love

And all I have in You is more than enough

You’re my sacrifice

Of greatest price

And still more awesome than I know

You’re the coming King

You are everything

And still more awesome than I know

More than all I want

More than all I need

You are more than enough for me

More than all I know

More than all I can say

You are more than enough for me

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All Rights Reserved.

It just hit me, smack in the face... He is more than enough for everything I could ever want and need. He is my supply, my breath, my reward, my satisfaction, my EVERYTHING. Or at least He should be. I have replaced all of those with earthly things (mostly food) though. When I am wanting love, attention, support, release, care, etc, etc, etc... I turn to food. It can be healthy food, it can be crappy food, it can be sweet, salty, crunchy, liquid, anything to fill me up. It's gotten to where it's such a habit, or really, an addiction, that it doesn't even cross my mind that this is what I'm doing...

My focus now is to do what Nancy advised when I first started this journy: take EVERY thought captive. Whether it's a negative thought about myself, or if I'm feeling depressed, sad, lonely, happy, celebratory, whatever... Take it captive and really process why I want to eat something in relation to those thoughts... Am I actually hungry, or am I just reacting to the feelings?

I know that this will not happen overnight, BUT it's a huge step in transforming my mind on this journey to transform my body.

Finding some balance...

For the past week and a half I have had some peace and balance when it comes to eating. I've given it to God, and while I still crave things and think of food a lot, it seems different. I don't feel so alone. I don't feel like I'm working and working and working for nothing.

Last weigh in I lost 4.2 pounds!! So very exciting! :) This week my goal is 3.5. I've taken on a challenge from Nancy where for 3 days I am eating a very strict menu. It's definitely been a challenge, but an empowering one! I can make good choices. When I make a bad choice it does not define me, but it is an opportunity to learn and grow.

I'm feeling more positive about my journey and I think by incorporating more balance into many aspects of my life it is making a world of difference.

Tears and Hope

I feel like the kid from "The Sixth Sense" except that instead of seeing dead people I see pregnant people! I have recently had several friends find out they are expecting after months, and even years, of trying to conceive. I have always said that I would never begrudge a woman her pregnancy (especially someone who has battled infertility). It doesn't bother me that they are pregnant, that is exciting and fun and so very special;  It bothers me that I'm NOT...

Before I met my husband I had resigned myself not only to the single life, but to a childless life. I knew that I would most likely have a hard time getting pregnant because of my PCOS and non-existent periods. I had literally given up my dream of motherhood and forced myself to be "ok" with my life as it was. I wasn't miserable, I had a lot of friends, I was very involved with my church. I basically kept myself so busy I rarely noticed the longing in the deep recesses of my heart to be a wife and mother.

When I met my husband all of that shattered. Very early in our relationship I knew I would marry him, but more than that I desperately wanted a family with him. I wanted (and still do) to make him a daddy. To create a little person with his eyes, my hair, etc... A little piece of the both of us that was a product of the unbelievably amazing love we feel for each other.

But there was a nagging worry even then... what if I couldn't get pregnant?

We talked a lot about it, even from the beginning. Scott always reassured me that no matter what we would have a family. Whether we conceived naturally, through fertility drugs/procedures, or even adoption, we would be parents.

For more than two years we have been trying to have a baby. We have been to fertility specialists, researched foster care and adoption, and pretty much looked into any way we might possibly make our dream come true.

And yet, here we are, still childless...

I have shed many, many, many tears over my inability to get pregnant. I have felt immense guilt and shame because I know my weight is a major factor in our infertility. I have felt alone, scared, angry, misunderstood, and so much more...

Before going on the Dr. Oz show very few people knew about our struggle. When asked when we were going to start our family, we would answer vaguely and change the subject... The reason for our caution was because people can be unkowingly hurtful in their responses, questions, and suggestions...

Like some of the most traumatic things in life, unless you have truly experienced infertility, you cannot truly understand what it does to a woman... a man... a couple...

But through it all, God is still good. He is gracious, protecting, faithful, loving, kind, and good. I am resting in His promises, and in knowing that His timing is perfect, even if I feel like He's running late! :)

If you want to try to better understand infertility and what it is like for a couple dealing with the agony, guilt, despair, and DESIRE... check out this video Tears & Hope.

I know that I was created to be a mother. And I know that in His time I will be one... some days it is much harder to cope with than others. Some nights I cry myself to sleep. Some days it is physically painful to bear the ache of empty arms, and an empty womb... But through it all my God is still GOOD.