More Vain than I Thought! :)

A lot has happened since my last post. The biggest thing is that I was diagnosed with Basal Cell Carcinoma and had to have a Mohs surgery to have it removed. It was a very difficult time for me as I struggled with the anxiety and fear brought on by the word "cancer". I knew in my head that this was a very easily treated cancer, with a super high success and cure rate. I had one of the best dermatologist surgeons, and was having a very minimally invasive procedure.

But I was FREAKING out!

I think mainly I was worried about having to have my face cut as the basal cell was just above my eyebrow. I have never felt like the most beautiful person, in fact, I rarely feel beautiful. So I do everything in my power to enhance what I got! LOL The knowledge that I could be scarred really scared me. And then, I started feeling like a schmuck because I was I feeling so vain! :)

Here are some pics (sorry if they're too graphic lol):

This was right after they took the first piece. They ended up having to go in a second time because they did not get it all the first time.

This is me feeling pretty swollen the day after the procedure. I still have a tiny bit of swelling and a small bruise, but luckily I did not have a black eye! lol I did have to wear this bandage for a whole week (changing it 2x a day)!!! So I got a lot of questions of course and wore my bangs down a lot lol

Two days after the procedure I was able to take off the bandage. This is what it looked like with the four stitches. I also have internal stitches that will dissolve in the next 4-6 months.

This is me today! I got my stitches out and no longer have to wear a bandage!! Woohoo! LOL It's still a little red and raw looking, but it is going to heal very nicely and I doubt the scar will even be noticable unless you're right in my face :)

So, Just a little update on me. :) I'll be posting another blog soon as lots has been churning in this head of mine. :)

Finally!!

For the last several weeks I have either lost 1 pound or stayed the same for a total of about 5 pounds lost in the last 6-8 weeks... SO FRUSTRATING!! The last 3-4 weeks I have been much more dilligent in keeping my focus and not straying for "just a bite" here or "just a little taste" there. I haven't been perfect, but hey, who is?

Well today, I finally had a spectacular weigh in!! I lost 3.4 pounds!!! SO EXCITING! I wanted to do a little dance, but I was already running late for work LOL

I feel like I'm getting my groove back. I'm leaving behind my legalistic, all or nothing tendencies for a more gracious mindset. So, rather than beating myself up for those bites and tastes I am acknowledging them and trying to just move on to the next thing without feeling like I've blown it.

Definitely a journey, and rather than worry about how fast I'm getting to the destination I'm trying to enjoy the progress along the way. :)

Never thought I'd say it but...

I had so much fun trying on dresses for my brothers upcoming wedding! :)

I love shopping, but I hate, and I mean HATE trying on clothes. Nothing ever fits right, and I get all hot and sweaty trying to wrangle myself into this garment or that one... And the worst is when you are with other people trying things on. Ugh... It's so embarrassing having to ask for the largest or next size up. I remember trying on dresses for my wedding and literally drooling over the beautiful gowns before stopping short and realizing they would not come in my size. I was fortunate to find a dress that I loved and that fit (barely), but I cannot honestly say it was my "dream dress".

This shopping trip was exciting because I was curious to see what sizes would fit me since I've lost some weight. I started pulling gowns and daringly pulled a 22 ignoring my instinct to automatically find the largest size available, a 30.

I got to the dressing room with a few different sizes just in case and to my astonishment was not only able to get the 22 on, it even zipped up a couple inches! And for those of you who aren't familiar with bridal store sizes, they can run freakishly small!! LOL I was on cloud 9 trying on about 5 different gowns and loving it when one was too big (a definite first for me).

What I loved most about this experience is that I was able to enjoy the journey without having to focus on the destination. I have a long way to go to get to my goal weight, but I'm trying to find little things here and there to celebrate and enjoy along the way. This was definitely one of those times!

Something else this journey is teaching me is that I can be a very negative person, but I'm learning to be more positive. Celebrating little milestones and accomplishments is way more positive than focusing on the fact that I still have 100+ pounds to lose. It can be frustrating and defeating to focus on that! I'd rather focus on how far I've come and celebrate the things I'm taking back in my life because those things spur me on toward reaching that final goal!

The truth will set you free

Hi, my name is Amy and I'm addicted to food.

Jesus tells us the truth will set us free, and I've been seeing that to be true in many ways along this weight loss journey. Lies, deceipt, and even ommissions will only get in the way of success. When I am open, honest, and acknowledge my weaknesses only then am able to let it go, seek the help I need, and move to healthier place.

I am addicted to food. I turn to food when I'm happy, sad, celebrating, mourning, bored, busy, etc etc etc. No matter the circumstances or situation my mind is constantly focused on food. When is my next meal/snack, what is it going to be, will there be food left in the breakroom, do I have what I want at home/work... It is all consuming and in a weird way comforting. I love food. I could eat all day from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. I could eat sweets, chips, crackers, cereal, sandwiches, vegetables, fruits, salads, ANYTHING at any time. The weird thing is, I don't want all of this food because I'm hungry. When I'm physically hungry (and not just thirsty or bored) I actually do not feel like eating at times.

Nancy gave me a challenge of sorts in which every day the first thing I need to do is say to myself, my name is Amy and I am a food addict. Then, I am to give it over to God and ask Him to fill me and satiate my hunger, to take away the desire and physical "need" to eat to excess.

Today is the first day I've done this, and I have to say it does make me stop and think about why I want to eat. I had a filling, yummy breakfast and lunch. I treated myself to a square of dark chocolate. And I'm satisfied. I found myself craving something crunchy and salty. I sat there, thinking about this, and said to myself, I'm not hungry, I'm just wanting to eat. Lord, please take away this desire to binge.

And you know what, I was able to focus on something else and will now make it to my appointed snack time without having indulged in something that would have made me feel guilty later.

God is good, and He is seeing me through this one moment at a time.

Focusing on the good

I'm doing a new Bible Study with Nancy that has a focus on weightloss and God's Goodness. A lot of the questions really make you think about the good things God has done, not just in the bad times, but also in the good times. It has forced me to put a lot of thought into how I think about things and my mentality. I didn't realize just how negative my mindset was! I'm working toward renewing my mind toward a healthier lifestyle, but I never thought about how important it was to also renew my mind toward a healthier, more positive, mindset.

You hear that saying a lot, "God is good all the time! And all the time God is good!" You hear it so much that it becomes cliche and loses it's meaning. God really is good, and EVERYTHING He creates is good. He tells us this in Genesis when He is creating the world. He took stock of all He created and it was GOOD. He doesn't make mistakes, and He knows each of us even before we were a thought...

I have realized that I focus a lot on the negative... I focus on all of the "bad" things going on rather than the good things God is doing. My job is stressful and overwhelming, I can't get pregnant (yet anyway), we're struggling financially (still), my mom is having health issues, and on and on it goes. What I SHOULD be focusing on is that I have my dream job and it has been such a blessing to my husband and I; while we can't get pregnant yet, I am seeing more signs of increased "fertility"; God has provided for our home, our car, and even for some fun things, so even though money is tight, it could be WAY worse; my mom is doing so much better and is healing beautifully... and on and on it goes! :)

So, even if things are looking great for you and your family, don't lose sight of the good things! And if things aren't looking so good (or when things start taking a turn for the worse) don't forget all of the wonderful blessings and good times you have had because God loves us and wants good things for us and we need to cling to Him through EVERYTHING because He is there for us through it ALL.