time flies

So, I've been MIA for a while, but things are going really well. I've started dropping pounds again and have lost about 10 more pounds in the last couple weeks. A few things have contributed to this I think... Work has been insane and I literally don't have time to eat (not good) but also, I'm not feeling the desire to eat like I used. I find that I want to eat when I'm hungry, and when I'm not I don't. This is a new concept for me... I think a lot of it has to do with emotions.

I felt trapped for so long... I wasn't able to be me. My only escape was food because I couldn't let on how bad things really were. I didn't even realize how bad things were. I've learned a lot these last few months and it's been a really good thing. I'm discovering what true love, commitment, and caring really are and it's been incredible.

I hope everyone has had a wonderful holiday, and has a safe and happy New Year. :)

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda...

In this phase of my life I find myself reflecting on decisions and choices over the last days, months, and even years... The only constant in my life these days are my loving family and my great job. And they have both been lifesavers! However, I am nowhere near where I wanted to be or even thought I'd be at this point.

I am separated, living with family, and turning to food way more than I should, and frankly more than I even want to... It's just such a habit even still. I have gained a lot of the weight back and that is BEYOND frustrating. I'm so mad at myself for allowing food to continue to control me. I should be SO much further than this in my journey.

But then I stop and think... In the last year or so since being on Dr. Oz I've moved three times, lost my job, got a new job, had two family members in the hospital due to serious illness, separated from my husband, had to give my dog to a new owner, and downsize all of my belongings into 4 storage tubs and some reusable bags... Not an easy year by any stretch of the imagination, but it certainly could have been worse.

How do I get past the urge to eat when my life feels out of control. Even though several of those life events were due to choices I made, the ramifications had lasting effects and even a few unknown consequences. Not that I'd change any of those choices, but I would change my reaction to the stress and emotion of it all.

The last four and a half weeks specifically have been very tough on my eating. I've been living in a transition of sorts as I figure out what I'm doing and of course, eating out has been a LOT easier than trying to plan, shop, and cook. However, I feel like crap, and I'm gaining weight and I DON'T LIKE IT ONE BIT!

So today I'm taking back my health and wellness! I'm writing down everything that goes in my mouth. I'm being planful and taking the necessary few minutes to ensure that I'm prepared for snack attacks and boredom. I'm going to go for a walk/jog tonight too and I'm actually looking forward to it. :)

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

I AM DOING THIS!

I'm still alive!!

It's been way too long since my last post, but that's because a lot has happened in my life and I just have not been able to take the time write... well, I guess I have chosen to other things instead because for once I just was not sure what to write at all.

I've had some very big life changes over the past few weeks, and I'm still adjusting to them as well as to a few more to come. It has been extremely difficult, but all in all my life has never been better.

Food has been a real struggle though... mostly because I've been on the go and having to eat out more. But I'm getting back into a routine, and looking forward to my half marathon in a few months.

I've been very sick with a massive sinus/upper respiratory infection for about 6 weeks now. It's made it nearly impossible to work out and train. But as I slowly begin to feel better I'm incorporating more and more activity into my life and will back on track in no time.

Thank you for all of the love while I was MIA. :) I'm going to do my best to blog at least once a week if not 2-3 times a week. It's so good for me! :)

Goals, motivation, and moving forwad

As some of you know it's been a little rough for me the past few months in terms of staying on track. Life can really get in the way of your best intentions! I've done a lot of thinking and praying about this and I know that I'm not giving up. I'm going to get to my end goal, and I'm going to be healthy and fit. It's just going to take some time, and I'm not really able to predict how long because I honestly don't know.

I do know that I can do my best to set realistic, achievable goals for the short term and the long term that will help me along in this journey to health and wellness. And I also know that these goals will help me stay motivated and keep moving forward, even if it is at a snails pace. :)

We're in the countdown to the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. Only 6 more days! I haven't gotten in the training I was hoping for due to sinus infection and life in general, but my goal still stands. My goal is to jog the entire race and to finish faster than my last 5K at less than 48 minutes (I'd really like to see it less than 45 minutes!).

My next goal is to run a 5k on the November 6th for the American Diabetes Association. Again, I want run the whole thing, and shave off time (even if it's just a few seconds).

I got a little ambitious and signed up for a 15K for the following weekend! I'm a little nervous about this one, but know that I have plenty of training time in front or me, and I also know that it will be a good preparation for the half marathon in February. For the 15K my goal is to run the whole thing (9.3 miles) and try to average a 16 minute mile pace. If I can do that, I think it will help my fears of being swept at the half. :)

To achieve these goals I've done a couple different things. First, I've started the Couch to 5K program and also downloaded an app to train for the half. Apart from the last 2 weeks, I've gone jogging 5-7 days a week about 2 miles each time. Also, to help with the endurance part for the longer runs I've planned, I've started using my elliptical. Yesterday I did 5 miles! And I did it in 75 minutes which is approximately a 15 minute mile pace! I really like have the milage goal on the elliptical rather than a time goal like I used to do because I can control how long it takes me to do the miles. :)

I've still got so far to go, but I'm feeling pretty positive that I will get there. I have a lot of bad habits, wrong thinking, and negativity to overcome and it's going to take some time to do that. Here's to changing my life one day at a time!

The Dreaded Scale!

My scale and I have not been seeing eye to eye for some time now... I admit, I have not held up my end of the bargain as well as I should be. But really? Does it have to be so traumatic to step on a scale? Why do I equate the scale with success or failure rather than how I'm feeling physically? I feel great! I've been running more than I thought possible, I've been more consistent lately than before. And yet, I step on the scale and see that?!?

So how do I go from panic attacks prior to weigh in to just looking at the number as one data point of many in calculating my success? How do disassociate the emotion from the scale?

I know that the number is important, but I also know that it is not the ONLY measure of my success (at least intellectually I get that, but not so much on the emotional level). Ugh... Just gotta keep trying!

I am me

I find that I compare myself to just about anyone and everyone. The problem with that is that I never match up. I'm never as fast, as quirky, as funny, as cute, as creative, as slim, as perky, as (insert random attribute/quality here). I do this more than I even realize. For every instance that I recognize this behavior there are probably 10+ others I don't. It has become almost like a part of my nature.

But I'm getting to the point in this journey and in my life that I don't want to be like anyone else. I am me. I am beautiful, smart, loving, caring, giving, funny, creative, inclusive, thoughtful, and more. Before today I would never have written that, and definitely wouldn't have spoken it aloud because I would have thought it to be arrogant. But I am not arrogant, I am definitely fallible and for every one of those qualities there are others that I need to work on and improve to be the woman God intended me to be.

I am not going to lose weight as fast as this person or that. I am going to lose it as fast as I am able to. I am not going to "get it" and overcome this food addiction in the same way or time frame as someone else, but I am going to do it the perfect amount of time for me. Because I am me.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made to be just who I am. I was not a mistake. Every step I take in this life was pre-ordained by God, and I can only follow Him and do my best. I am no one else, and I answer to no one other than my Heavenly Father. Because I am me. And that is good enough.

Breaking the Guilt Cycle

This weekend was a rough one for me emotionally. I've been dealing with some issues and it's just been very tough. I tend to be an emotional eater when I feel trapped, misunderstood, and/or out of control of the situation. This weekend was no exception.

I made some very poor choices in the midst of my good ones and today I'm feeling very guilty. I think the guilt is because tomorrow is weigh day and I don't want to disappoint Nancy or myself. I am still trying to figure out how to change my thinking toward food when I'm in the middle of an emotional "crisis" and all I want to do is eat.

It really bothers me that I can't just do it already. It seems simple enough... follow the food plan Nancy and I created for the week, exercise 5 days minimum, weigh in and see results... I can't seem to just do it though. I know the issues are deeper than that, and that if it really were that simple no one would be obese... and yet, I expect myself to do it because I know how to do it.

I want to be more positive and cut myself slack, but then I worry that if I am too lenient I'll just let myself do anything, but I don't want to be too hard on myself, and so they cycle continues.

I need this. I need God to open my eyes and heart to the true "why" and to help me walk in freedom from this addiction to food. I obviously can't do it on my own, and it's really hard to let it go.

Actions speak louder than words

In my last post I told all of you that I wanted to run some 5K's and build up to February's Princess Half Marathon. Well, I'm not just talking about it! I signed up for the October 17th Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K and have pledged not just to run, but to try to raise $100.00 for the cause. I also signed up for the  Florida Hospital Celebration Health 5K & 10K on November 14th. I am running both for a total of 9.3 miles! Kinda scared, but excited too! Lastly (for now at least) I officially signed up to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon on February 27th! Very excited about this one, and know that WHEN I accomplish it, it will be absolutely incredible!

The best part of all this "talking" about running is that it has led to other people wanting to train with me and join me in the Race for the Cure 5K! My mom and I are going to do the Couch to 5K training 5 days a week (since we only have 4 weeks instead of 9 this works great) and my brothers girlfriend is going to do 3 of those 5 days with us. We're all going to do the race together! I'm so excited!!! I have a little support group going.  :-)

Once I finish the C25K I also have a half marathon training regimen I am going to start. My mom may join me with that too which would be awesome! If you have any tips on gearing up for a race I would love to have them!

So far, my actions are matching my words. As I finish these races and achieve my goals, they will definitely be much louder! :)

5K's, 10K's, Half-marathons... Oh my!

Lately I can't help thinking about why things feel so different in terms of weightloss than they did when I first began this journey. Obviously a big one is that the "honeymoon" stage is over. :) Can't really fix that, but, there are other things. When I was in my first 12 weeks of this journey I had very specific fitness goals. At first it was walk 30 minutes a day. Then I decided I wanted to do a 5K and so I began incorporating running into my walks. Then I found out that the Oz crew was coming and hosting my very own 5K and things got very serious! LOL

Basically, that whole time I had a goal in mind. The last several months I have had goals, but it hasn't seemed the same. I haven't had a race to prepare for, or TV appearance to motivate me. I've just had real life... and I lost some of that passion and drive because I didn't have that end goal.

Well, I do now! I decided that I am going to run the Race for the Cure 5K. Last year when Scott and I walked it I had just come back from NYC and the beginning of my new life. I told myself that day that next year I'd run it. Well, it's next year! So, I'm going to train to run that 5K.

My biggest ambition is to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February. This is very scary for me. You have to keep a 16 minute mile or you get "swept". Also, if I don't train seriously, I'll be setting myself up for failure. I am worried about investing all this time (and money) and not finishing, BUT I'm not going to let fear stop me! I'm going to run it and I'm going to focus on the finish line.

In preparation for the half marathon I'm heading over to Track Shack tomorrow to have a gait analysis done and check out the shoe wall. I'm in desparate need of new running shoes so I'll be purchasing a new pair ASAP.  Also, in addition to the Race for the Cure, I've found some local 5 and 10K's between now and the half marathon that will help me to prepare physically.

My confidence is, quite honestly, not that high. I'm hoping that by accomplishing some of these smaller fitness goals my confidence will soar back to where it was and beyond. Since the honeymoon is over, I have to figure out how to make this my daily life because that's the only way I'll be truly successful!

It's all in your head...

From Day 1 Nancy and Dr. Oz have said this weight loss journey would be a mental shift as well as a physical one. I thought I knew what they were talking about, and in some ways I guess I did. I knew that my eating was more mental than physical, but I didn't realize how much I was subscribing to the whole "just eat less and work out more" mentality.

If that's all it took, I'd so be there! But it's not that simple. Yes, in order to lose weight you have to eat less calories and exercise more. But the only way to do that with long term results is get to the bottom of WHY you are eating in the first place. I still haven't cracked that one for myself, but I'm starting to.

I like to eat to deal with stress, insecurity, anger, bitterness, and fear. Notice a trend? It's all negative! When I'm happy, joyous, celebratory, and calm my mind does not wander to food. I usually want to share that time with my family and loved ones. When I'm feeling stressed, insecure, angry, bitter, scared, etc I want to be alone... and I want to eat. ALONE. I do not like to overeat in front of people. I actually don't like eating in front of people in general.

When I'm feeling down I withdraw and I turn to food. I thought this was because I found comfort in food, but I've realized that is not the case... I find solace in food that I am what I thought I was. A failure, worthless, and undeserving of happiness. I have struggled with self-esteem for most of my life. I have definitely gotten better at valuing myself and realistically acknowledging that I am worth while.

But in my darkest times, in my saddest moments it feels as though all those things I know to be true about myself fly out the window. And so I eat. And confirm the fact that I'm no good. And then I feel worse, and eat some more, and the hoplessness and vicious cycle continue.

This weekend the Lord showed me that I do deserve to be happy. He created me. And He makes no mistakes. He wants me to rejoice and be joyful no matter my situation or circumstances. In my darkest times and in my brightest times I am to worship Him and rejoice.

And it struck me... I need to learn to be content. In the moment. In any situation. I need to be content and greatful for all that I have been given. Only then can I know true joy. Being skinny won't make me happy. Being a mom won't make me happy (as hard as that is to say). Only He can bring true joy and I need to derive my joy from Him.

Turn it around!

I realize my post yesterday only shared the negative side of what I've been facing. I want to take a few posts to show you what I'm doing to turn those negatives around! Today I'm going to address the first two of my saboteurs!

1. Not Following the 5 Rules: Dr. Oz advocates that there are 5 foods to avoid to achieve and maintain a healthy weight and lifestyle. No sugar, no high fructose corn syrup, no trans fat, no saturated fat, and nothing enriched.

If you have ever looked at labels you will notice that the majority of processed foods have all of those ingredients! That's because they make the food last longer on the shelf, and of course make it extra tasty. :) It takes some time and some digging to find the foods that do not have those in the first 5 ingredients, or even at all. But it's so worth it! I firmly believe that my cycles got normal so quickly because I eliminated those from my diet. These days I have added a little here and a little there, but I need to get back to basics!


2. Eating Out: My husband and I really enjoy eating out. That can be hard when you're trying to learn how to eat healthy because the temptations are right there for taking! What I've found that helps me is to plan ahead. I would decide where we wanted to go and then look online for the nutritional information. Now, I'm not so sure how accurate the information is, but I figured it was better than nothing. I would find 2-3 options that I could choose to enjoy so that once we got to the restaurant I would be prepared. Lately I've just ignored my inner voice and ordered whatever I wanted regardless of the nutritional value. To combat that, I'm trying to eat out less, and cook more.

Now, if your schedule is anywhere near as crazy as mine then cooking every day is not only overwhelming, but near impossible. So, I decided to try an experiment this week with my cooking. On Sunday I was in a cooking frenzy! I prepared Scott's and my breakfasts (egg white omelets) so that all we had to do was heat and go in the mornings. I also made huge pot of lentil soup that I portioned into individual servings for lunches. And then I made 4 nights worth of chicken, prepared with a yummy coconut milk sauce, for our dinners that I would serve with a frozen bag of veggies. This way, my cook time was about 15 minutes tops, rather than 30-60 minutes every night. Since we don't get home until 930pm, this was a lifesaver! We're still working on the dinner thing though, because that's just too late to be eating a full dinner. But I'll let you know what I come up with!

Slow and Steady Wins the Race... right?

Nancy told me from Day 1 that I would need to take baby steps in order to make giant leaps in health and wellness. Slow and steady wins the race! But even "slow" implies forward movement and progress. For the last 8 months I've hovered around the same 10 pounds, gaining and losing, gaining and losing with virtually no forward movement or progress. I've learned a lot, but now I need to start applying what I've learned.

Nancy had me come up with the Top 10 Things Keeping Me From Success. Usually when I get these type of assignments I struggle to come up with half of what I've been asked. But this time I knew I needed to get to the bottom of this, and I put a lot of time and prayer into it and this is what I came up with in literally about 10 minutes:

10 Reasons I’ve Not Been Successful
1. Not following the 5 Rules
a. No Sugar
b. No HFC Syrup
c. No Trans Fats
d. No Saturated Fats
e. Nothing Enriched

2. Eating out (and making poor choices)
a. Chicken Philly
b. Ice Cream
c. French Fries
d. Mushroom Swiss Angus Burger Meal (McD’s)
e. Frappuccino’s
f. Goldfish, chocolate, candy, chips,

3. Not being honest
a. I gained another 3 pounds this week and weigh 313.8 as of this morning… but I led Nancy to believe that I was in the 290’s for several weeks…(*it's taking everything I have not delete this bullet
b. Tell other people, and Nancy that I have been doing well, that I’m eating what I should be when I really have not
c. Binging, and not exercising.

4. Not being vigilant/consistent
a. Waiting until day or two before weigh day to be “good”

5. Not focused
a. Made excuses to eat/not exercise

6. Rebellious (want what I want when I want it)
a. Not even emotional, just the thought would strike and I get mad I “can’t have it” so I’d either eat it anyway or binge on something else until my craving subsided

7. Not writing down everything that passes my lips (out of sight, out of mind)
a. I really thought I wasn’t being that “bad”… but the scale showed otherwise, and I know had I written down everything I would have been shocked.

8. Lack of portion control (not measuring, taking seconds, etc)
a. I would both take the correct portion size and then go back for more, or I would just take what I wanted and ignore the fact that it was too much.

9. Not having “emergency” foods on hand to combat the munchies/cravings
a. With moving I allowed my fruit and veggie supply to dwindle and had no carrots or celery to munch on and also very few veggies to add to lunches/dinners to bulk up my meals.

10. Not having and/or not following a daily meal plan
a. Even when I had meal plans I did not stick to them 100%
b. Feel like “I’ve got it” and know what I can/cannot eat… but failing to plan REALLY is planning to fail…

It's difficult to share this in it's entirety because it is the raw, real, honest truth of how I've been operating the last several months. I am very ashamed of my actions and behavior, particularly the dishonesty to the one person who has been by my side since day 1 cheering me on.
 
Since then, Nancy and I have been going over these one by one and coming up with practical ways to change each of these sabatogers into success builders! My nature is to be so hard on myself, and I'm working on that too. I cannot change the past, but I can make decisions today that can make me successful one minute, one hour, one meal, one day at a time.
 
As a sweet friend reminded me, the mind and thoughts are very powerful. We need to take EVERY thought captive to the Lord, and we need to redirect our thoughts from the negative to the positive. My goal today is turn each negative thought around and come up with a positive replacement so that I am living in TRUTH rather than in guilt.

Feeling Fat

Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel fat? Your clothes fit the same, you even weigh the same, but you feel bloated, frumpy, slow, and fat? I'm having one of those days (ok, weeks). My eating is getting back on track, and instead of feeling better I am feeling run down, tired, and just plain crappy. I'm not sure if I'm coming down with something or if it's just that time of the month, but I could really use a boost right now.

What I really want to do is drive home, crawl into bed and wake up in a few days. But, honestly, I know that won't do any good. So, what I'm going to try to do today is focus on this verse:

1 Peter 4:19

"So if you are suffering according to God's will, keep on doing what is right, and trust yourself to the God who made you, for he will never fail you."

I'm going to do what Nancy reminds me to do and that is to trust the process. My body has had to tolerate a lot of things it probably thought I'd eliminated forever. And now it is working to restore balance and functionality to what it should be. So I will keep "suffering" knowing that if I trust God HE will never fail me. :)

Wellness Champion

My company is in the process of launching a health and wellness initiative to get people thinking about and taking action towards better health. When I heard they were looking for "Wellness Champions" to help lead this effort I knew I had to be involved! I wanted to do it to show other people that they can start living healthy no matter their current health state, but most of all, I thought it would be a great accountability tool for me.

I was so excited for our first meeting, looking forward to meeting the other Wellness Champions and finding out exactly how I could get involved. I got to the meeting room and was instantly deflated. Sitting around the table were about 10 thin, well put together, "healthy looking" women. Not only was I the only overweight person there, but not one of them had even a few pounds to lose... My old self-depricating, self-loathing thought patterns were creeping in and I felt VERY self-conscious and out of place. A very familiar place, and yet still uncomfortable and heart breaking. So, I took a seat and tried to make myself appear as small as I possibly could. If I could have thrown on Harry Potter's invisibility cloak I would have!

I did my best to focus on the conversation rather than on what I thought people might be thinking about me. I was not at all prepared for my reaction! The old me would probably not have joined in the first place, but if I had I would have expected this very scenario! Despite my distraction, I found out a lot of cool information and am very excited about what we will be doing in the coming months. Every now and then I had to literally stop myself, and re-direct my focus to the meeting.

It really bothers me that I am so self-conscious even still. I think that my slacking off and not being diligent to follow the plan has a lot to do with it. I've literally eaten my self-confidence away! I have rebuild my self-confidence and reprogram my mind (again) that I am just as capable, and just as worthy of being a Wellness Coach as any of those ladies in there. Health is not determined by your size, though we all know it is a good indicator skinny does not equal healthy.

What I learned, and am still learning, is that I do have value, and I have every right to share what I've learned so far with other people so they can in turn begin their own journey to health and wellness. I can't let my weight rob me of my passion.

Fighting My Will

Romans 7:15-25

I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead,

I do what I hate.

But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. 

So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.

I want to do what is right, but I can’t. 

I want to do what is good, but I don’t.

I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 

But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 

I love God’s law with all my heart. 

But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind.

This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 

Oh, what a miserable person I am!

Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 

Thank God!
The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.

So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

This has been for the last several months. I know what I need to do. I know what is good and right. But I do the opposite. I do what I shouldn't do. Since January I have gained and lost, and lost and gained... My total weight loss as of 8/18 was only 52 pounds. It should have been closer to 75, if not 100. I had allowed people to believe that was case also, lying to cover my shame. I hurt someone very close to me, and now I have to rebuild that trust.

For the first time in my life I feel like an "addict". I did whatever I could to get my next "fix". I lied, spent money I didn't have, broke the trust of a dear friend. I am so ashamed and embarrassed that it is exceedingly difficult to even type this.

Since asking for forgiveness, I have felt a relief, because I'm no longer hiding, but also a deep sadness. I have allowed food to control my life and my actions beyond even what I thought was possible. I am still struggling to give that over to God, and with Nancy's help I am working to stick to a regimented plan to get me back on track and seeing the success I need to boost my confidence.

But I'm really struggling to shake this sadness. My first Dr. Oz episode aired last week and I saw how far I had let myself go, and how far I've come since then. People reached out to me, new friends and old, to congratulate me on my success so far and also to cheer me on. But I felt, and kind of still feel, like a fraud. Yes, I have lost 52 pounds and I worked very hard to do so. But I almost let it all go just to eat more.

I have a dear friend and coach who cheers me on and inspires and encourages me daily in so many ways; sacrificing herself for my benefit. I received an amazing gift of a top of the line piece of equipment, I could never have gotten on my own, as a reward for my hard work but also to spur me on. I have perfect strangers looking up to me for support and inspiration. And despite all of that, I just didn't care enough not to eat. I wanted it so I ate it. And now I'm paying the price as I try to rebuild relationships, reboot my body, re-engage my mind and spirit.

Nancy asked me why I felt I did these things, why I feel I can't lose the weight. My first response was "I'm not worth it". She begged to differ, pointing out all of the reasons I should know and believe I am worth it. And she is right. I do know that. But I think what I felt was that because of my actions I don't deserve it. I've taken people and things for granted so why should I deserve it?

Then it hit me... I'm living and acting as though I can control this on my own. I'm not giving it to God, and asking Him to help me with this burden, this thorn in my side. As Paul says in the scripture above, It is not me, it is the sin in me. Here I am, 10 months into this journey, and I'm still trying to learn things that I've been trying to learn since day 1. I had allowed myself to become cocky, and think I had it all down. And so I allowed a bite of this and a taste of that, until it became a plate of this and a cup of that. I kept telling myself that I'd be really "good" this week and then I'll get to where I want to be so I don't have to say that I've gained x amount of pounds. But that number never got to where it should have been because my actions were never what they should have been.

And here I am. On my knees. Asking for forgiveness. From my family, my friends, my Coach Nancy, and also from myself. I'm very good at beating myself up and holding myself to impossible standards. I'm trying to forgive myself, and learn from this so that in the next 10 months and beyond I can have a different story to tell. One of being an overcomer. One of achieving health and wellness (despite myself!). And one of Hope.

We are Moving! Again...

Scott and I have had financial difficulties our entire relationship. Between old debts, new debts, etc it was something we knew we had, and wanted to work on together. We have not done a great job of working on our finances, and with each of us losing our jobs 6 months apart and then taking several weeks each to find new jobs we've taken a beating in the finance realm. Add to that some other issues, and you have yourself a financial planners nightmare. :)

We both have dreamed on one day owning a home of our very own. However, we thought it would just be a dream for many years to come. Then Scott found this great community with an amazing opportunity for us to own our own home. I thought, sure, why not? We can go look, it won't hurt anything... not really expecting anything to come of it.

We saw a beautiful brand new home, never lived in, great floorplan and dream kitchen. I fell in love with it, and thought, one day maybe we'll get a house like this. We went through the application process, thanked the Sales Manager and went on our way. I had no expectation of anything coming of it. In my mind there was no way we would get approved, so I didn't even hope.

Well, fast forward a few days and not only were we approved, but if we moved by this week they would even buy us out of our apartment lease! I was floored. So we scrambled around trying to get the deposit money arranged, and get it all in order. We're packing up our apartment and will be in our home this weekend!

We're having some issues with our apartment complex in that they don't want to cooperate with our buyout... but we're trusting God to do His thing and know that it will all work out.We have some helpers for loading up the truck on Friday, and are praying for some volunteers to help us on Saturday or it's going to be a REALLY long day for us! LOL

Baby Steps

Well, vacation was wonderful!

First day at the condo :)

We relaxed, enjoyed the beach and especially the time with my family. I brought tons of healthy foods, and I made the best plans to stay "good". I must admit that I ate a LOT of things I shouldn't have. However, it could have been WAY worse, and I'm trying to celebrate the small successes and victories I had in my good choices, and learn from my not so good choices.

I made time to work out and did it in a fun way. While we were in the pool I treaded water like I was drowning. We also played a fun game of pool "volleyball" which was so much fun. I took walks on the beach as well as treking through our massive hotel. And my brother, husband and I swam laps for a while in the indoor pool.

So, how did I do on weigh day???? Not so great. I gained 3 pounds. BUT, I am not devestated.

If you remember, the last two times I "fell off the wagon" I gained 5 pounds. This time, I was more intentional, sometimes I intentionally ate badly though LOL. But I think I made some really good substitutions, and made some really good choices. Could I have done better? Absolutely! Obviously if I had stuck to my plan and worked out even more I could have stayed the same or even lost weight.

But I'm celebrating the fact that my "failures" are starting to improve, and I'm learning so much about myself. Like I said before, I didn't get to this size in a few months, and I won't get to goal in a few months either. It takes time, and it takes baby steps.

I'd say I took a few baby steps this vacation and I'm hopeful that the next time I'm in this situation my relults are going to be even better!

Sweet Girl! :)

Cousins, Uncles, and Pa-Pa playing on the beach :)

Vacation Time!!!

Almost every year for as long as I can remember my family has spent a week at the beach over the summer. My parents scrimped and saved so that we could have wonderful time of relaxation and fun in the sun. I can count on one hand the number of years we have not been able to go. It's a Roman family tradition, and one we have all come to enjoy and appreciate very much.

So, needless to say, I'm VERY excited about the fact that Scott and I get to join my family this year for the first 4 days of the Roman Family Vacation!! I'm excited, and yet, apprehensive...

You see, I'm still learning how to say to no to a lot of foods. My first 12 weeks or so on the program I was a fanatic and very hard core. Then real life set in and the honeymoon was over, and I've had a REALLY hard time being consistent, which has also led to less weight loss... ugh...

I know that we will be eating out tonight and Monday night. Tonight is pizza (of course!) and while I know I shouldn't, I am not sure I'm going to be strong enough to say no, and just enjoy a salad... Monday night is Olive Garden so I'm not so worried about that one, except for the dreaded breadsticks. LOL

So, here is my plan... I'm bringing tons of perfectly healthy things along with us so that I'll have options when it comes to snacking and "sweets" (i.e. fruit and/or dark chocolate). I'm also going to talk to my family and ask them to help me stay accountable and not just eat like someone who hasn't seen food in a few years. :)

My goal for this week was lose 4 pounds by Monday, July 19. Frankly, I'm just praying I don't gain. Losing 4 pounds, while on vacation no less, would be unbelievable... Not gaining seems hard enough, but realistic. LOL

So, I'm asking everyone to be praying that I my will will be stronger than my stomach and my eyes! That I won't lose sight of what I want the most for what I want in the moment. And that I can make this a LIFESTYLE and not simply a diet... I HAVE to learn how to live every occassion and every day in a healthy way. I know it won't happen overnight (or even in 7 months!). I have 30+ years of bad habits to overcome... But, it all starts with making the first step... and then the next... and then the next... :)

This is my life... not a diet

I realized a few days ago that I had the mindset that this was going to get easier. That somehow it would just be my nature and I would "get it"... Because of this attitude I've found myself sabotaging my progress and letting my guard down. Rather than being intentional and vigilant, I've been lackadaisical and oblivious...

If I had kept up a 3 pound a week weight loss from my last Dr. Oz appearance I would be at 238 pounds right now. Even a 2 pound a week weight loss would have been 264 pounds which would be 100 pounds lost. Right now I'm about 30 pounds heavier than that.

Don't get me wrong, I know that losing 70 pounds in 7 months is pretty darn good. And I'm celebrating all of my success, and all that I have learned along the way.

BUT

I cannot allow myself to stand in my own way anymore. I need to FOCUS. I need to be INTENTIONAL. I have to be VIGILANT.

And I have to be all of those things for the rest of my life. Getting to goal weight does not mean the war is over. I think it will have just begun. It's STAYING at goal weight that is the true success. And I can and will get there.

Nancy gave me a great quote that I've been reflecting on a lot lately...

"Don't lose sight of what you want the most for what you want in moment."

And that's just how it is with food. I want something so much in the moment. And when I gratify that desire, I then have the guilt and regret that follow for a lot longer than a moment! I need to learn how to tell myself no for my own benefit. For my own growth and development I have to learn patience and not give in to the automatic instant gratification mode I've lived in for 30+  years...

It's interesting... like a parent who tells their child "no" because they know better, I tend to be the strong willed, rebellious "child", but need to learn how to be the wiser, self-sacrificing "parent" who know what is better for myself and to say no when I need to.

Enough

I went for a brisk walk with my little dog Maggie last night and decided to take my iPod with me and listen to some worship music. I was walking along enjoying the fresh air and the good music when it hit me during Chris Tomlin's song Enough that I needed to listen to it one more time and really, REALLY listen to it. It applies so well to my food addiction and controlling nature... Here are the words:

All of You is more than enough for all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with Your love

And all I have in You is more than enough

You are my supply

My breath of life

And still more awesome than I know

You are my reward

worth living for

And still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with Your love

And all I have in You is more than enough

You’re my sacrifice

Of greatest price

And still more awesome than I know

You’re the coming King

You are everything

And still more awesome than I know

More than all I want

More than all I need

You are more than enough for me

More than all I know

More than all I can say

You are more than enough for me

Copyright © 2010 ChristianLyricsOnline.com

All Rights Reserved.

It just hit me, smack in the face... He is more than enough for everything I could ever want and need. He is my supply, my breath, my reward, my satisfaction, my EVERYTHING. Or at least He should be. I have replaced all of those with earthly things (mostly food) though. When I am wanting love, attention, support, release, care, etc, etc, etc... I turn to food. It can be healthy food, it can be crappy food, it can be sweet, salty, crunchy, liquid, anything to fill me up. It's gotten to where it's such a habit, or really, an addiction, that it doesn't even cross my mind that this is what I'm doing...

My focus now is to do what Nancy advised when I first started this journy: take EVERY thought captive. Whether it's a negative thought about myself, or if I'm feeling depressed, sad, lonely, happy, celebratory, whatever... Take it captive and really process why I want to eat something in relation to those thoughts... Am I actually hungry, or am I just reacting to the feelings?

I know that this will not happen overnight, BUT it's a huge step in transforming my mind on this journey to transform my body.

Finding some balance...

For the past week and a half I have had some peace and balance when it comes to eating. I've given it to God, and while I still crave things and think of food a lot, it seems different. I don't feel so alone. I don't feel like I'm working and working and working for nothing.

Last weigh in I lost 4.2 pounds!! So very exciting! :) This week my goal is 3.5. I've taken on a challenge from Nancy where for 3 days I am eating a very strict menu. It's definitely been a challenge, but an empowering one! I can make good choices. When I make a bad choice it does not define me, but it is an opportunity to learn and grow.

I'm feeling more positive about my journey and I think by incorporating more balance into many aspects of my life it is making a world of difference.

Tears and Hope

I feel like the kid from "The Sixth Sense" except that instead of seeing dead people I see pregnant people! I have recently had several friends find out they are expecting after months, and even years, of trying to conceive. I have always said that I would never begrudge a woman her pregnancy (especially someone who has battled infertility). It doesn't bother me that they are pregnant, that is exciting and fun and so very special;  It bothers me that I'm NOT...

Before I met my husband I had resigned myself not only to the single life, but to a childless life. I knew that I would most likely have a hard time getting pregnant because of my PCOS and non-existent periods. I had literally given up my dream of motherhood and forced myself to be "ok" with my life as it was. I wasn't miserable, I had a lot of friends, I was very involved with my church. I basically kept myself so busy I rarely noticed the longing in the deep recesses of my heart to be a wife and mother.

When I met my husband all of that shattered. Very early in our relationship I knew I would marry him, but more than that I desperately wanted a family with him. I wanted (and still do) to make him a daddy. To create a little person with his eyes, my hair, etc... A little piece of the both of us that was a product of the unbelievably amazing love we feel for each other.

But there was a nagging worry even then... what if I couldn't get pregnant?

We talked a lot about it, even from the beginning. Scott always reassured me that no matter what we would have a family. Whether we conceived naturally, through fertility drugs/procedures, or even adoption, we would be parents.

For more than two years we have been trying to have a baby. We have been to fertility specialists, researched foster care and adoption, and pretty much looked into any way we might possibly make our dream come true.

And yet, here we are, still childless...

I have shed many, many, many tears over my inability to get pregnant. I have felt immense guilt and shame because I know my weight is a major factor in our infertility. I have felt alone, scared, angry, misunderstood, and so much more...

Before going on the Dr. Oz show very few people knew about our struggle. When asked when we were going to start our family, we would answer vaguely and change the subject... The reason for our caution was because people can be unkowingly hurtful in their responses, questions, and suggestions...

Like some of the most traumatic things in life, unless you have truly experienced infertility, you cannot truly understand what it does to a woman... a man... a couple...

But through it all, God is still good. He is gracious, protecting, faithful, loving, kind, and good. I am resting in His promises, and in knowing that His timing is perfect, even if I feel like He's running late! :)

If you want to try to better understand infertility and what it is like for a couple dealing with the agony, guilt, despair, and DESIRE... check out this video Tears & Hope.

I know that I was created to be a mother. And I know that in His time I will be one... some days it is much harder to cope with than others. Some nights I cry myself to sleep. Some days it is physically painful to bear the ache of empty arms, and an empty womb... But through it all my God is still GOOD.

More Vain than I Thought! :)

A lot has happened since my last post. The biggest thing is that I was diagnosed with Basal Cell Carcinoma and had to have a Mohs surgery to have it removed. It was a very difficult time for me as I struggled with the anxiety and fear brought on by the word "cancer". I knew in my head that this was a very easily treated cancer, with a super high success and cure rate. I had one of the best dermatologist surgeons, and was having a very minimally invasive procedure.

But I was FREAKING out!

I think mainly I was worried about having to have my face cut as the basal cell was just above my eyebrow. I have never felt like the most beautiful person, in fact, I rarely feel beautiful. So I do everything in my power to enhance what I got! LOL The knowledge that I could be scarred really scared me. And then, I started feeling like a schmuck because I was I feeling so vain! :)

Here are some pics (sorry if they're too graphic lol):

This was right after they took the first piece. They ended up having to go in a second time because they did not get it all the first time.

This is me feeling pretty swollen the day after the procedure. I still have a tiny bit of swelling and a small bruise, but luckily I did not have a black eye! lol I did have to wear this bandage for a whole week (changing it 2x a day)!!! So I got a lot of questions of course and wore my bangs down a lot lol

Two days after the procedure I was able to take off the bandage. This is what it looked like with the four stitches. I also have internal stitches that will dissolve in the next 4-6 months.

This is me today! I got my stitches out and no longer have to wear a bandage!! Woohoo! LOL It's still a little red and raw looking, but it is going to heal very nicely and I doubt the scar will even be noticable unless you're right in my face :)

So, Just a little update on me. :) I'll be posting another blog soon as lots has been churning in this head of mine. :)

Finally!!

For the last several weeks I have either lost 1 pound or stayed the same for a total of about 5 pounds lost in the last 6-8 weeks... SO FRUSTRATING!! The last 3-4 weeks I have been much more dilligent in keeping my focus and not straying for "just a bite" here or "just a little taste" there. I haven't been perfect, but hey, who is?

Well today, I finally had a spectacular weigh in!! I lost 3.4 pounds!!! SO EXCITING! I wanted to do a little dance, but I was already running late for work LOL

I feel like I'm getting my groove back. I'm leaving behind my legalistic, all or nothing tendencies for a more gracious mindset. So, rather than beating myself up for those bites and tastes I am acknowledging them and trying to just move on to the next thing without feeling like I've blown it.

Definitely a journey, and rather than worry about how fast I'm getting to the destination I'm trying to enjoy the progress along the way. :)

Never thought I'd say it but...

I had so much fun trying on dresses for my brothers upcoming wedding! :)

I love shopping, but I hate, and I mean HATE trying on clothes. Nothing ever fits right, and I get all hot and sweaty trying to wrangle myself into this garment or that one... And the worst is when you are with other people trying things on. Ugh... It's so embarrassing having to ask for the largest or next size up. I remember trying on dresses for my wedding and literally drooling over the beautiful gowns before stopping short and realizing they would not come in my size. I was fortunate to find a dress that I loved and that fit (barely), but I cannot honestly say it was my "dream dress".

This shopping trip was exciting because I was curious to see what sizes would fit me since I've lost some weight. I started pulling gowns and daringly pulled a 22 ignoring my instinct to automatically find the largest size available, a 30.

I got to the dressing room with a few different sizes just in case and to my astonishment was not only able to get the 22 on, it even zipped up a couple inches! And for those of you who aren't familiar with bridal store sizes, they can run freakishly small!! LOL I was on cloud 9 trying on about 5 different gowns and loving it when one was too big (a definite first for me).

What I loved most about this experience is that I was able to enjoy the journey without having to focus on the destination. I have a long way to go to get to my goal weight, but I'm trying to find little things here and there to celebrate and enjoy along the way. This was definitely one of those times!

Something else this journey is teaching me is that I can be a very negative person, but I'm learning to be more positive. Celebrating little milestones and accomplishments is way more positive than focusing on the fact that I still have 100+ pounds to lose. It can be frustrating and defeating to focus on that! I'd rather focus on how far I've come and celebrate the things I'm taking back in my life because those things spur me on toward reaching that final goal!

The truth will set you free

Hi, my name is Amy and I'm addicted to food.

Jesus tells us the truth will set us free, and I've been seeing that to be true in many ways along this weight loss journey. Lies, deceipt, and even ommissions will only get in the way of success. When I am open, honest, and acknowledge my weaknesses only then am able to let it go, seek the help I need, and move to healthier place.

I am addicted to food. I turn to food when I'm happy, sad, celebrating, mourning, bored, busy, etc etc etc. No matter the circumstances or situation my mind is constantly focused on food. When is my next meal/snack, what is it going to be, will there be food left in the breakroom, do I have what I want at home/work... It is all consuming and in a weird way comforting. I love food. I could eat all day from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. I could eat sweets, chips, crackers, cereal, sandwiches, vegetables, fruits, salads, ANYTHING at any time. The weird thing is, I don't want all of this food because I'm hungry. When I'm physically hungry (and not just thirsty or bored) I actually do not feel like eating at times.

Nancy gave me a challenge of sorts in which every day the first thing I need to do is say to myself, my name is Amy and I am a food addict. Then, I am to give it over to God and ask Him to fill me and satiate my hunger, to take away the desire and physical "need" to eat to excess.

Today is the first day I've done this, and I have to say it does make me stop and think about why I want to eat. I had a filling, yummy breakfast and lunch. I treated myself to a square of dark chocolate. And I'm satisfied. I found myself craving something crunchy and salty. I sat there, thinking about this, and said to myself, I'm not hungry, I'm just wanting to eat. Lord, please take away this desire to binge.

And you know what, I was able to focus on something else and will now make it to my appointed snack time without having indulged in something that would have made me feel guilty later.

God is good, and He is seeing me through this one moment at a time.

Focusing on the good

I'm doing a new Bible Study with Nancy that has a focus on weightloss and God's Goodness. A lot of the questions really make you think about the good things God has done, not just in the bad times, but also in the good times. It has forced me to put a lot of thought into how I think about things and my mentality. I didn't realize just how negative my mindset was! I'm working toward renewing my mind toward a healthier lifestyle, but I never thought about how important it was to also renew my mind toward a healthier, more positive, mindset.

You hear that saying a lot, "God is good all the time! And all the time God is good!" You hear it so much that it becomes cliche and loses it's meaning. God really is good, and EVERYTHING He creates is good. He tells us this in Genesis when He is creating the world. He took stock of all He created and it was GOOD. He doesn't make mistakes, and He knows each of us even before we were a thought...

I have realized that I focus a lot on the negative... I focus on all of the "bad" things going on rather than the good things God is doing. My job is stressful and overwhelming, I can't get pregnant (yet anyway), we're struggling financially (still), my mom is having health issues, and on and on it goes. What I SHOULD be focusing on is that I have my dream job and it has been such a blessing to my husband and I; while we can't get pregnant yet, I am seeing more signs of increased "fertility"; God has provided for our home, our car, and even for some fun things, so even though money is tight, it could be WAY worse; my mom is doing so much better and is healing beautifully... and on and on it goes! :)

So, even if things are looking great for you and your family, don't lose sight of the good things! And if things aren't looking so good (or when things start taking a turn for the worse) don't forget all of the wonderful blessings and good times you have had because God loves us and wants good things for us and we need to cling to Him through EVERYTHING because He is there for us through it ALL.

thoughts and ramblings

Well, my new weigh in day is Mondays in hopes of helping to control my weekend eating. :) Today I weighed in and found I had lost 2 pounds. So I'm out of the 300's again! Woohoo! :) 298 is not what I was hoping for, but I'll take it.




This is such a struggle for me! I have gotten to this point before in previous diets and I think it's where I always gave up. In the beginning it's easy, and my perfectionist nature prevails. But after a while, my will gets weaker and weaker and I allow a nibble of this and a bite of that until it's a whole pizza or a gallon of ice cream and I'm officially "off the wagon" again.



But, I'm not off the wagon this time and I have to say that having support is the main difference. The struggles and challenges are still there, don't get me wrong, but having someone to be personally accountable to changes things. Knowing that I have to tell Nancy what I ate, or that I gained does help to keep me on track - somewhat. I still have to do the work, and I still have to convince myself that it's worth it somedays.



See, I have only known failure when it comes to weight loss. I'm almost afraid to succeed because then what? What will I focus on if not my weight? And also, I'm finding that there is comfort in blaming my infertility on my weight because what if I get skinny and STILL can't get pregnant? Then what?!?!?!



So, my priorities and reasonings for losing the weight has to be health and wellness. Being a mom would be an amazing benefit. Feeling beautiful and thin and pretty would be a benefit. But they cannot be my reasons because there is no guarantee that I'll conceive. And we all know our feelings are usually not rooted in fact so while the world around me may say I'm pretty or thin or beautiful, I still may not feel that way even at my goal weight...



So many things in my life are tied to food, eating, weight, body image... It's been a long road, and it's longer still but I just have to believe that no matter the outcome, it WILL be worth it.

I am human!! And that's ok...

Someone commented on one of my "losing patience" Facebook status updates saying "so you are a real person!" And it struck me... to most people I'm someone who was on TV, so I'm not "real". What I mean is, we see people on Dr. Oz, or any other talk show type show and we think, "well of course they are successful, they aren't like me" and we shrug off their success because it's not "real".

Well, I AM a real person. And, like most real people, I have good days and bad, good weeks and bad. Lately it's been more bad than good when it comes to my eating. I have allowed my surroundings and my circumstances to be stronger than my will.

I like being in control. I like order, and plans, and clear direction. I like black and white. So, when my life is in turmoil (i.e. husband in the hospital, mom ill and in the hospital for surgery twice, issues with other family members, stressful new job where I am having to learn so much and feel a lot of pressure to do well) I compensate for the lack of control by eating. I can "control" that, and more than that, it gives me comfort. That comfort is fleeting, but in the moment it feels so good.

But, it derails my weightloss success and then I feel guilty, frustrated, angry, and bitter and then eat more... and more... and then I get rebellious and say "screw it!" and eat whatever I feel like eating.

And then I'm back at 300 pounds... a number I thought I had said goodbye a long time ago. But the reality is, the mental shift and reprogramming that I had been working so hard towards was slowly but steadily being undone by poor choices. Because rather than turn to God and draw on His strength to see me through my circumstances, I turned to the immediate gratification of pizza, cookies, chips, ice cream, etc...

I lost sight of my goal. I was putting food before my dream of having a baby,  but more than that I have been putting food before my God. It is an idol as much as it is an addiction.

So, for those of you following my story I want you to know that I am just like anyone else. I have fears, struggles, successes, victories, crappy days and joyous days.

After some serious prayer and thought I have found a new focus and new attitude. I cannot do this on my own. It is an impossible task to try to accomplish (95% of people fail!!). But, with my God anything is possible. And I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. So with Him I will beat this. And you can too. That was the LAST time I will EVER see a 3 in front of my weight!

Up, down, and all around...

It has officially been 6 months since I started this journey and it has been quite a roller coaster ride indeed. Some incredibly amazing highs and some very low lows... Through it all lost weight, gained weight (twice!) and stayed the same weight (twice!). The only constant through it all has been my rock and coach and personal Wellness Warrior Nancy, and my deep rooted addiction to food. Yes, I believe that like an alcoholic, I will always be a "recovering" food addict.

Hi, my name is Amy, and I'm addicted to food.

Now, you might think that's kind of depressing, and some days it really is. This is an incredibly difficult journey and I am constantly learning new things about food, my emotions, my mentality, my reactions, my reasoning, and the list goes on and on. It can be very overwhelming at times, especially when my everyday life decides to pop in to the picture too! :)

This year (and it's only April) I have lost a job, gotten a new job, my husband had surgery, my in-laws moved in with us, and now they are moving out, we've had a car engine blow, we've had some serious illness both with myself and my husband and our immediate family... Life doesn't stop, in fact, it's pretty much a constant battle of dealing with the every day normal (and abnormal!) life stresses. Take away my "crutch", my self-imposed "saviour" FOOD and it can take a bad situation to a formidable one real quick.

I thought for sure that it would be smooth sailing by now. I mean, come on, I've lost 75 pounds, I'm working out 45-60 minutes a day, my body has completely changed and my mind has changed a lot too. But I'm beginning to realize that this constant desire for chocolate, sugar, pizza, cereal, etc, etc, etc just may never completely go away. I think I'm always going to want that stuff, but I'm equiping myself to be able to say no to it and make better choices, whereas before I had no power to say no. Do I always stay strong and "just say no"? Of course not. I'm human, I'm weak. But I'm learning.

Again, this is sounding quite depressing, but I'm actually finding it to be empowering. Some days life is going to suck, we all have to face that. :) But eating a gallon of ice cream doesn't change that, and it usually makes it worse by the time your spoon scrapes the bottom of the bucket!

Over the last 5 weeks I've lost only 7 pounds. That kind of bummed me out. I mean, I had weeks where I was losing 7 pounds at a time! But rather than beat myself up, I'm trying to realize that sometimes the learning that takes place during those weeks where I gained or stayed the same is actually more important than number on the scale.

This literally is the journey of my lifetime, meaning, I will be on this journey until the day I die. Lord willing, that's quite a long way away! :) So, while I need to focus on the day to day, I can't lose sight of the big picture either.

70 Pounds Lost

To date I have lost 70 pounds. I have hit many milestones along the way and am nearly halfway to my weight goal. People ask me a lot if this journey is still hard, or if it gets any easier. Well, the answer is kinda complicated. LOL

Every day is a new challenge of it's own. This journey has been easier than I anticipated in some ways, but harder in others. I have learned so much, but am still learning new things about myself, my body, and most importantly my mind and thoughts.

In the beginning I was so focused on perfection. I made sure I was eating only the things I was "allowed" to have, and got in all my vegetables, all my protein, etc, etc. Today those things are more second nature. The automating has helped with that a ton! I don't have to guess at what I can and can't have because I have learned so much about different foods and how they react with my body. I have learned how to choose wisely and which foods work better for me than others.

This is not to say that I always make the right choices though! LOL I still have a sweet tooth. I still want chips, and cereal, and chocolate, and whatever everyone else is eating. But it's different than it was 5 months ago. It's a struggle still, but now I have the power and the knowledge and the courage to just say no (most of the time) :)

Exercise used to be my nemesis! It was the one thing I struggled the most with in the beginning. It took everything in me to even go for a 30 minute walk. I found having a goal made it easier to get the exercise in. I decided to do a 5K so I knew I had to prepare for that. I would go every night and walk at the highest speed I could, usually about 3.3-3.5 and then I'd add jogging intervals. At first I could only do about 30 seconds. But now I can jog longer and further at a time. Before I knew it, I found myself loving my workouts and missing them if I wasn't able to fit them in.

Yes, I became "that" girl! LOL I love working out! I love trying new machines at the gym, I love pushing myself on the elliptical and on my jogs. Exercise has become a part of me that I never want to let go! :)

Food is still an issue for me. It is an day-by-day (and sometimes hour-by-hour) struggle to make the right decisions. Every now and again I sneak a treat here, or a bite there. Sometimes it's a whole something LOL but the difference now is that it doesn't defeat me. Before, a bite would have sabotaged my entire diet. I would feel guilty, and then eat more, and then feel guiltier, and eat more, etc, etc. Now, instead of allowing food to define me, I try to find the "why" behind my choice. Was I bored? Was I sad? Was I tired? Was I hurting? Was I PMS'ing? The next time I feel that way I can identify it and have alternatives ready to satisfy the craving. I'm still working on this part, but it's a process. :)

The biggest thing is take it in steps, baby steps then lead up bigger steps and leaps and then bounds. And before you know it you've got a whole new attitude and way of living. If you lay out everything you are supposed to do to be healthy it's very overwhelming! Every time I type it out I think, wow! that's a lot! LOL :) But, if you take one or two things at a time and then build from there you will find it is a lot easier and actually doable.

If I can do this, ANYONE can! Seriously! I'm just an ordinary woman living an ordinary life. I have no magical powers or will power of steel LOL You can do this!

Roller Coaster Tears

Growing up in Orlando you get to go to a lot of theme parks. I've always loved the parks, and especially roller coasters. I have never not ridden a coaster due to fear! I have been afraid, but I always got on... Until a few years ago when a different fear came into play.

As most of you know I've always been heavy. Over the years I just got heavier and heavier to the point that I could no longer do one of my favorite things because I could not fit in the seat. I remember it vividly... At first I would have to be moved to the "larger" seats in the middle of the coaster which often meant being pulled to the side by the attendant and waiting for the next go round. Then, it got to the point where it didn't matter where I sat, I just simply didn't fit.

It was humiliating. I finally just started making excuses for why I wasn't going to ride. I'm sure my family could see through the excuses, but they never pushed me. It was so disheartening to know that I couldn't join friends and family in something I absolutely loved to do. But it was way more embarrassing to tell them why, and so I just said they made me sick and I'd sit out and wait for them.

On Saturday, Scott and I took our niece Ally to Sea World to spend the day with some friends. One of the last rides I attempted was Kraken at Sea World, but of course, I didn't fit. This time I was determined to at least try. I mean, come on! I've lost 65 pounds and 13 inches in my waist! I just knew I had to fit.

Manta is a new ride at Sea World, and I was so hopeful I'd be able to ride it. I got in line, and waited my turn with knots in my stomach. My turn finally came, and not only did I fit, I got the bar to click down TWICE comfortably!!! I was smiling like an idiot! LOL It was so much fun!! By the end of the ride I was fighting back tears. It had been so long since I'd experienced the thrill and rush of a coaster. It was such an accomplishment! :)

My next feat was Kraken. I just had to try it again. I sat in the test seat in front of the ride and was able to latch the harness! It was snug, but hey, it fit. So, I got in line, sat down, and the belt wouldn't reach! :( I was so mortified... I kept trying but just couldn't get it to latch. The attendant came over to help and finally he was able to latch the belt! I couldn't believe it! I was finally going to ride Kraken for the first time!!!!! It was so exhilarating! I cannot wait to go back! :)

I don't think I have fully comprehended everything I've allowed my weight to take from me. But I plan on taking all of them back and then some!!! :)

I did it!!!!!

I am officially under 300 pounds!! Not by much, but I'm there! Never again will my weight begin with 3 and soon enough it will no longer begin with 2 either! Next milestone, the 100 pound mark! I'm down 65 already so only another 35 to go! :)

I tried something new!

This morning I woke up at the crack of dawn to go the gym with my husband. Of course I love my elliptical, it is amazing!!! But I also want to develop more muscle tone in the hopes of lessening the amount of excess skin I will have when I reach my goal weight. :)

So, I did a little cardio to warm up by using the stationary bike. I did 7.5 miles in 20 minutes! I then moved on to the weight machines and focused on my arms. I did 3 sets of 10-15 reps on about 5 machines. Then I moved to the area that I have always been afraid to go into because I've been too self-conscious... the floor area with mats and ab machines and the dreaded leg lift contraption! LOL I tried one of the ab things and couldn't figure it out. No biggie... Then I tried to do some leg lifts. You know the thing I'm talking about. You step up onto the base, grasp the handles while your lower arms rest on the arm rests. Then you're supposed to step off the base and begin raising your legs together using your abs. Yeah, I tried it. I got two in before I almost fell off because I couldn't keep my body up using my arms.

BUT that's ok!! I did it. I tried something new. No one laughed at me, no one stared or pointed. No one even noticed really. More than that, I felt no shame. I did my best and that was ok. Next time I'll try again and maybe I'll be able to do 3 or 4.

This is a new feeling for me. I had one brief moment of hesitation because I was in the eye line of another woman working out, but I didn't let that stop me. And I wasn't embarrassed. To me, that's more of an accomplishment than anything! I didn't let my weight hold me back. I didn't let fear or insecurity keep me from doing something I wanted to do. To me, this is proof of transformation in progress. :)

I'm so looking forward to trying things I haven't been able to do because I've been too heavy: flying without needing a seat belt extender, fitting on the roller coasters at Universal Studios, not being afraid to sit in a booth at a restaurant (I'm already finding this to be easier!)... and more...

I think I always knew I was letting my weight hold me back from so many things, not just physically but mentally and emotionally too. I just didn't realize how much so until recently. I don't want to let another day go by where I allow my weight to hold me back because I am more than what I weigh. I am not defined by my weight or size.

Saying goodbye...

To the 300's! :)

This weigh in I was 301.2 pounds which is a total of 63 pounds in less than 5 months. I am down to 48.5 inches in my waist which is a total of 13 inches lost! Next weigh in I'll be under 300 and I'm not looking back! :)

Nancy has been giving me menu's the past the two weeks and it's really been working for me. I don't have to think about what I'm going to eat because it's basically all automated. I'm telling you, automation really is key to my success. I thought for sure it would be boring and I would feel restricted, but it's actually the opposite. I feel confident in knowing that what I'm eating is going to satiate me and also is nutritionally sound.

I have been having a lot of cravings the last couple of days. I just want to eat! I'm not hungry, I just want to munch. I'm thinking this is because I'm getting ready to start my cycle soon. It's becoming more and more regular, and it truly is a "cycle" because I'm finding that there is a true pattern to my mood, cravings, and even my weight. Sorry if this is TMI but if I can announce to the nation that I've gotten my period, I feel like I can talk about it here! :)

I recently walk/jogged another 5K and had a really good time. I'm not sure if I want to do the half marathon next year, or just set a good goal time for the 5K... We'll see. :) My next goal is to jog the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K. I want to jog the whole thing and I'm pretty confident I can do it. I have until October to train, and in April I'm joining some friends in doing the 9 week Couch to 5K training. Should be fun!

A lot of people are asking me how I started running. I really didn't think I'd be able to, and I was really self-conscious of anyone seeing me try. So, I was doing my 30 minute walk one day and decided to just give it a try. That first time I could only jog a few yards, and I thought I was going to die. LOL But, I kept trying. I then started training using a treadmill and was able to jog for 2 minutes at a time. I still hated anyone seeing me, so if anyone else was in the gym I hated it! But, I wanted to do it, so I kept trying.

I personally prefer jogging outdoors as opposed to the treadmill just because I don't like feeling like I'm going to lose my balance, and I also like having visual markers as opposed to time markers for starting and stopping. But that's just me. Now I'm able to jog a lot further and it takes a lot less time to recover in between spurts.

Hope this helps! Talk to you all soon! :)

Pictures!

Here are some pictures over the last few months as well as an updated progression picture. :) Weigh in is tomorrow and I'm really hoping I get below 300 even if it's 299.9! LOL But, if it's not tomorrow it will definitely be next week! Feeling good, getting in tons of exercise, and trying fun new recipes.

3/9/10

2/14/10

3/6/10 Royal Family 5K

3/6/10 Royal Family 5K