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Thursday, July 1, 2010

Tears and Hope

I feel like the kid from "The Sixth Sense" except that instead of seeing dead people I see pregnant people! I have recently had several friends find out they are expecting after months, and even years, of trying to conceive. I have always said that I would never begrudge a woman her pregnancy (especially someone who has battled infertility). It doesn't bother me that they are pregnant, that is exciting and fun and so very special;  It bothers me that I'm NOT...

Before I met my husband I had resigned myself not only to the single life, but to a childless life. I knew that I would most likely have a hard time getting pregnant because of my PCOS and non-existent periods. I had literally given up my dream of motherhood and forced myself to be "ok" with my life as it was. I wasn't miserable, I had a lot of friends, I was very involved with my church. I basically kept myself so busy I rarely noticed the longing in the deep recesses of my heart to be a wife and mother.

When I met my husband all of that shattered. Very early in our relationship I knew I would marry him, but more than that I desperately wanted a family with him. I wanted (and still do) to make him a daddy. To create a little person with his eyes, my hair, etc... A little piece of the both of us that was a product of the unbelievably amazing love we feel for each other.

But there was a nagging worry even then... what if I couldn't get pregnant?

We talked a lot about it, even from the beginning. Scott always reassured me that no matter what we would have a family. Whether we conceived naturally, through fertility drugs/procedures, or even adoption, we would be parents.

For more than two years we have been trying to have a baby. We have been to fertility specialists, researched foster care and adoption, and pretty much looked into any way we might possibly make our dream come true.

And yet, here we are, still childless...

I have shed many, many, many tears over my inability to get pregnant. I have felt immense guilt and shame because I know my weight is a major factor in our infertility. I have felt alone, scared, angry, misunderstood, and so much more...

Before going on the Dr. Oz show very few people knew about our struggle. When asked when we were going to start our family, we would answer vaguely and change the subject... The reason for our caution was because people can be unkowingly hurtful in their responses, questions, and suggestions...

Like some of the most traumatic things in life, unless you have truly experienced infertility, you cannot truly understand what it does to a woman... a man... a couple...

But through it all, God is still good. He is gracious, protecting, faithful, loving, kind, and good. I am resting in His promises, and in knowing that His timing is perfect, even if I feel like He's running late! :)

If you want to try to better understand infertility and what it is like for a couple dealing with the agony, guilt, despair, and DESIRE... check out this video Tears & Hope.

I know that I was created to be a mother. And I know that in His time I will be one... some days it is much harder to cope with than others. Some nights I cry myself to sleep. Some days it is physically painful to bear the ache of empty arms, and an empty womb... But through it all my God is still GOOD.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Amy, I know you don't want to hear this from a pregnant woman, but believe me when I say I truly understand EVERYTHING you just wrote down. There were times that I just didn't even want to go on facebook or my blog for fear that someone else was going to be pregnant. I just couldn't deal with the darkness in my own heart. I remember one moment in particular, I had just found out that my 15th friend was pregnant (not exagerating), and then my sister-in-law told me that they were going to start trying for a baby. I was so hurt and bitter in that moment. I told God that I really didn't even know if I would survive having a niece or nephew before having a child of my own. I cried and cried and cried and God totally dealt with the matter of my broken and bitter heart. Because of the way I felt when I had heard others were pregnant, I was almost ashamed or scared to make my pregnancy known, knowing full and well that it would feel like a punch to the gut for so many of my friends, and even my own sister. I am so so sorry you are going through this and pray for you and Scott all the time (as well as my other friends and family dealing with infertility). Please e-mail me your mailing address. I want to mail you a book that really helped me deal with my heart issues on the matter.

    I love you girl!