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Monday, May 17, 2010

thoughts and ramblings

Well, my new weigh in day is Mondays in hopes of helping to control my weekend eating. :) Today I weighed in and found I had lost 2 pounds. So I'm out of the 300's again! Woohoo! :) 298 is not what I was hoping for, but I'll take it.

This is such a struggle for me! I have gotten to this point before in previous diets and I think it's where I always gave up. In the beginning it's easy, and my perfectionist nature prevails. But after a while, my will gets weaker and weaker and I allow a nibble of this and a bite of that until it's a whole pizza or a gallon of ice cream and I'm officially "off the wagon" again.

But, I'm not off the wagon this time and I have to say that having support is the main difference. The struggles and challenges are still there, don't get me wrong, but having someone to be personally accountable to changes things. Knowing that I have to tell Nancy what I ate, or that I gained does help to keep me on track - somewhat. I still have to do the work, and I still have to convince myself that it's worth it somedays.

See, I have only known failure when it comes to weight loss. I'm almost afraid to succeed because then what? What will I focus on if not my weight? And also, I'm finding that there is comfort in blaming my infertility on my weight because what if I get skinny and STILL can't get pregnant? Then what?!?!?!

So, my priorities and reasonings for losing the weight has to be health and wellness. Being a mom would be an amazing benefit. Feeling beautiful and thin and pretty would be a benefit. But they cannot be my reasons because there is no guarantee that I'll conceive. And we all know our feelings are usually not rooted in fact so while the world around me may say I'm pretty or thin or beautiful, I still may not feel that way even at my goal weight...

So many things in my life are tied to food, eating, weight, body image... It's been a long road, and it's longer still but I just have to believe that no matter the outcome, it WILL be worth it.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I am human!! And that's ok...

Someone commented on one of my "losing patience" Facebook status updates saying "so you are a real person!" And it struck me... to most people I'm someone who was on TV, so I'm not "real". What I mean is, we see people on Dr. Oz, or any other talk show type show and we think, "well of course they are successful, they aren't like me" and we shrug off their success because it's not "real".

Well, I AM a real person. And, like most real people, I have good days and bad, good weeks and bad. Lately it's been more bad than good when it comes to my eating. I have allowed my surroundings and my circumstances to be stronger than my will.

I like being in control. I like order, and plans, and clear direction. I like black and white. So, when my life is in turmoil (i.e. husband in the hospital, mom ill and in the hospital for surgery twice, issues with other family members, stressful new job where I am having to learn so much and feel a lot of pressure to do well) I compensate for the lack of control by eating. I can "control" that, and more than that, it gives me comfort. That comfort is fleeting, but in the moment it feels so good.

But, it derails my weightloss success and then I feel guilty, frustrated, angry, and bitter and then eat more... and more... and then I get rebellious and say "screw it!" and eat whatever I feel like eating.

And then I'm back at 300 pounds... a number I thought I had said goodbye a long time ago. But the reality is, the mental shift and reprogramming that I had been working so hard towards was slowly but steadily being undone by poor choices. Because rather than turn to God and draw on His strength to see me through my circumstances, I turned to the immediate gratification of pizza, cookies, chips, ice cream, etc...

I lost sight of my goal. I was putting food before my dream of having a baby,  but more than that I have been putting food before my God. It is an idol as much as it is an addiction.

So, for those of you following my story I want you to know that I am just like anyone else. I have fears, struggles, successes, victories, crappy days and joyous days.

After some serious prayer and thought I have found a new focus and new attitude. I cannot do this on my own. It is an impossible task to try to accomplish (95% of people fail!!). But, with my God anything is possible. And I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. So with Him I will beat this. And you can too. That was the LAST time I will EVER see a 3 in front of my weight!