Someone commented on one of my "losing patience" Facebook status updates saying "so you are a real person!" And it struck me... to most people I'm someone who was on TV, so I'm not "real". What I mean is, we see people on Dr. Oz, or any other talk show type show and we think, "well of course they are successful, they aren't like me" and we shrug off their success because it's not "real".
Well, I AM a real person. And, like most real people, I have good days and bad, good weeks and bad. Lately it's been more bad than good when it comes to my eating. I have allowed my surroundings and my circumstances to be stronger than my will.
I like being in control. I like order, and plans, and clear direction. I like black and white. So, when my life is in turmoil (i.e. husband in the hospital, mom ill and in the hospital for surgery twice, issues with other family members, stressful new job where I am having to learn so much and feel a lot of pressure to do well) I compensate for the lack of control by eating. I can "control" that, and more than that, it gives me comfort. That comfort is fleeting, but in the moment it feels so good.
But, it derails my weightloss success and then I feel guilty, frustrated, angry, and bitter and then eat more... and more... and then I get rebellious and say "screw it!" and eat whatever I feel like eating.
And then I'm back at 300 pounds... a number I thought I had said goodbye a long time ago. But the reality is, the mental shift and reprogramming that I had been working so hard towards was slowly but steadily being undone by poor choices. Because rather than turn to God and draw on His strength to see me through my circumstances, I turned to the immediate gratification of pizza, cookies, chips, ice cream, etc...
I lost sight of my goal. I was putting food before my dream of having a baby, but more than that I have been putting food before my God. It is an idol as much as it is an addiction.
So, for those of you following my story I want you to know that I am just like anyone else. I have fears, struggles, successes, victories, crappy days and joyous days.
After some serious prayer and thought I have found a new focus and new attitude. I cannot do this on my own. It is an impossible task to try to accomplish (95% of people fail!!). But, with my God anything is possible. And I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. So with Him I will beat this. And you can too. That was the LAST time I will EVER see a 3 in front of my weight!
2 days ago