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Monday, May 17, 2010

thoughts and ramblings

Well, my new weigh in day is Mondays in hopes of helping to control my weekend eating. :) Today I weighed in and found I had lost 2 pounds. So I'm out of the 300's again! Woohoo! :) 298 is not what I was hoping for, but I'll take it.

This is such a struggle for me! I have gotten to this point before in previous diets and I think it's where I always gave up. In the beginning it's easy, and my perfectionist nature prevails. But after a while, my will gets weaker and weaker and I allow a nibble of this and a bite of that until it's a whole pizza or a gallon of ice cream and I'm officially "off the wagon" again.

But, I'm not off the wagon this time and I have to say that having support is the main difference. The struggles and challenges are still there, don't get me wrong, but having someone to be personally accountable to changes things. Knowing that I have to tell Nancy what I ate, or that I gained does help to keep me on track - somewhat. I still have to do the work, and I still have to convince myself that it's worth it somedays.

See, I have only known failure when it comes to weight loss. I'm almost afraid to succeed because then what? What will I focus on if not my weight? And also, I'm finding that there is comfort in blaming my infertility on my weight because what if I get skinny and STILL can't get pregnant? Then what?!?!?!

So, my priorities and reasonings for losing the weight has to be health and wellness. Being a mom would be an amazing benefit. Feeling beautiful and thin and pretty would be a benefit. But they cannot be my reasons because there is no guarantee that I'll conceive. And we all know our feelings are usually not rooted in fact so while the world around me may say I'm pretty or thin or beautiful, I still may not feel that way even at my goal weight...

So many things in my life are tied to food, eating, weight, body image... It's been a long road, and it's longer still but I just have to believe that no matter the outcome, it WILL be worth it.

1 comment:

  1. it is worth it even just halfway through my journey I know is WORTH IT