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Monday, August 30, 2010

Feeling Fat

Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel fat? Your clothes fit the same, you even weigh the same, but you feel bloated, frumpy, slow, and fat? I'm having one of those days (ok, weeks). My eating is getting back on track, and instead of feeling better I am feeling run down, tired, and just plain crappy. I'm not sure if I'm coming down with something or if it's just that time of the month, but I could really use a boost right now.

What I really want to do is drive home, crawl into bed and wake up in a few days. But, honestly, I know that won't do any good. So, what I'm going to try to do today is focus on this verse:

1 Peter 4:19
"So if you are suffering according to God's will, keep on doing what is right, and trust yourself to the God who made you, for he will never fail you."

I'm going to do what Nancy reminds me to do and that is to trust the process. My body has had to tolerate a lot of things it probably thought I'd eliminated forever. And now it is working to restore balance and functionality to what it should be. So I will keep "suffering" knowing that if I trust God HE will never fail me. :)

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Wellness Champion

My company is in the process of launching a health and wellness initiative to get people thinking about and taking action towards better health. When I heard they were looking for "Wellness Champions" to help lead this effort I knew I had to be involved! I wanted to do it to show other people that they can start living healthy no matter their current health state, but most of all, I thought it would be a great accountability tool for me.

I was so excited for our first meeting, looking forward to meeting the other Wellness Champions and finding out exactly how I could get involved. I got to the meeting room and was instantly deflated. Sitting around the table were about 10 thin, well put together, "healthy looking" women. Not only was I the only overweight person there, but not one of them had even a few pounds to lose... My old self-depricating, self-loathing thought patterns were creeping in and I felt VERY self-conscious and out of place. A very familiar place, and yet still uncomfortable and heart breaking. So, I took a seat and tried to make myself appear as small as I possibly could. If I could have thrown on Harry Potter's invisibility cloak I would have!

I did my best to focus on the conversation rather than on what I thought people might be thinking about me. I was not at all prepared for my reaction! The old me would probably not have joined in the first place, but if I had I would have expected this very scenario! Despite my distraction, I found out a lot of cool information and am very excited about what we will be doing in the coming months. Every now and then I had to literally stop myself, and re-direct my focus to the meeting.

It really bothers me that I am so self-conscious even still. I think that my slacking off and not being diligent to follow the plan has a lot to do with it. I've literally eaten my self-confidence away! I have rebuild my self-confidence and reprogram my mind (again) that I am just as capable, and just as worthy of being a Wellness Coach as any of those ladies in there. Health is not determined by your size, though we all know it is a good indicator skinny does not equal healthy.

What I learned, and am still learning, is that I do have value, and I have every right to share what I've learned so far with other people so they can in turn begin their own journey to health and wellness. I can't let my weight rob me of my passion.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Fighting My Will

Romans 7:15-25
I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead,

I do what I hate.
But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. 
So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.

I want to do what is right, but I can’t

I want to do what is good, but I don’t.

I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 
But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 
I love God’s law with all my heart. 
But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind.
This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 
Oh, what a miserable person I am!

Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 

Thank God!
The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.
So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

This has been for the last several months. I know what I need to do. I know what is good and right. But I do the opposite. I do what I shouldn't do. Since January I have gained and lost, and lost and gained... My total weight loss as of 8/18 was only 52 pounds. It should have been closer to 75, if not 100. I had allowed people to believe that was case also, lying to cover my shame. I hurt someone very close to me, and now I have to rebuild that trust.

For the first time in my life I feel like an "addict". I did whatever I could to get my next "fix". I lied, spent money I didn't have, broke the trust of a dear friend. I am so ashamed and embarrassed that it is exceedingly difficult to even type this.

Since asking for forgiveness, I have felt a relief, because I'm no longer hiding, but also a deep sadness. I have allowed food to control my life and my actions beyond even what I thought was possible. I am still struggling to give that over to God, and with Nancy's help I am working to stick to a regimented plan to get me back on track and seeing the success I need to boost my confidence.

But I'm really struggling to shake this sadness. My first Dr. Oz episode aired last week and I saw how far I had let myself go, and how far I've come since then. People reached out to me, new friends and old, to congratulate me on my success so far and also to cheer me on. But I felt, and kind of still feel, like a fraud. Yes, I have lost 52 pounds and I worked very hard to do so. But I almost let it all go just to eat more.

I have a dear friend and coach who cheers me on and inspires and encourages me daily in so many ways; sacrificing herself for my benefit. I received an amazing gift of a top of the line piece of equipment, I could never have gotten on my own, as a reward for my hard work but also to spur me on. I have perfect strangers looking up to me for support and inspiration. And despite all of that, I just didn't care enough not to eat. I wanted it so I ate it. And now I'm paying the price as I try to rebuild relationships, reboot my body, re-engage my mind and spirit.

Nancy asked me why I felt I did these things, why I feel I can't lose the weight. My first response was "I'm not worth it". She begged to differ, pointing out all of the reasons I should know and believe I am worth it. And she is right. I do know that. But I think what I felt was that because of my actions I don't deserve it. I've taken people and things for granted so why should I deserve it?

Then it hit me... I'm living and acting as though I can control this on my own. I'm not giving it to God, and asking Him to help me with this burden, this thorn in my side. As Paul says in the scripture above, It is not me, it is the sin in me. Here I am, 10 months into this journey, and I'm still trying to learn things that I've been trying to learn since day 1. I had allowed myself to become cocky, and think I had it all down. And so I allowed a bite of this and a taste of that, until it became a plate of this and a cup of that. I kept telling myself that I'd be really "good" this week and then I'll get to where I want to be so I don't have to say that I've gained x amount of pounds. But that number never got to where it should have been because my actions were never what they should have been.

And here I am. On my knees. Asking for forgiveness. From my family, my friends, my Coach Nancy, and also from myself. I'm very good at beating myself up and holding myself to impossible standards. I'm trying to forgive myself, and learn from this so that in the next 10 months and beyond I can have a different story to tell. One of being an overcomer. One of achieving health and wellness (despite myself!). And one of Hope.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

We are Moving! Again...

Scott and I have had financial difficulties our entire relationship. Between old debts, new debts, etc it was something we knew we had, and wanted to work on together. We have not done a great job of working on our finances, and with each of us losing our jobs 6 months apart and then taking several weeks each to find new jobs we've taken a beating in the finance realm. Add to that some other issues, and you have yourself a financial planners nightmare. :)

We both have dreamed on one day owning a home of our very own. However, we thought it would just be a dream for many years to come. Then Scott found this great community with an amazing opportunity for us to own our own home. I thought, sure, why not? We can go look, it won't hurt anything... not really expecting anything to come of it.

We saw a beautiful brand new home, never lived in, great floorplan and dream kitchen. I fell in love with it, and thought, one day maybe we'll get a house like this. We went through the application process, thanked the Sales Manager and went on our way. I had no expectation of anything coming of it. In my mind there was no way we would get approved, so I didn't even hope.

Well, fast forward a few days and not only were we approved, but if we moved by this week they would even buy us out of our apartment lease! I was floored. So we scrambled around trying to get the deposit money arranged, and get it all in order. We're packing up our apartment and will be in our home this weekend!

We're having some issues with our apartment complex in that they don't want to cooperate with our buyout... but we're trusting God to do His thing and know that it will all work out.We have some helpers for loading up the truck on Friday, and are praying for some volunteers to help us on Saturday or it's going to be a REALLY long day for us! LOL