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Monday, August 23, 2010

Fighting My Will

Romans 7:15-25
I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead,

I do what I hate.
But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. 
So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.

I want to do what is right, but I can’t

I want to do what is good, but I don’t.

I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 
But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 
I love God’s law with all my heart. 
But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind.
This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 
Oh, what a miserable person I am!

Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 

Thank God!
The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.
So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

This has been for the last several months. I know what I need to do. I know what is good and right. But I do the opposite. I do what I shouldn't do. Since January I have gained and lost, and lost and gained... My total weight loss as of 8/18 was only 52 pounds. It should have been closer to 75, if not 100. I had allowed people to believe that was case also, lying to cover my shame. I hurt someone very close to me, and now I have to rebuild that trust.

For the first time in my life I feel like an "addict". I did whatever I could to get my next "fix". I lied, spent money I didn't have, broke the trust of a dear friend. I am so ashamed and embarrassed that it is exceedingly difficult to even type this.

Since asking for forgiveness, I have felt a relief, because I'm no longer hiding, but also a deep sadness. I have allowed food to control my life and my actions beyond even what I thought was possible. I am still struggling to give that over to God, and with Nancy's help I am working to stick to a regimented plan to get me back on track and seeing the success I need to boost my confidence.

But I'm really struggling to shake this sadness. My first Dr. Oz episode aired last week and I saw how far I had let myself go, and how far I've come since then. People reached out to me, new friends and old, to congratulate me on my success so far and also to cheer me on. But I felt, and kind of still feel, like a fraud. Yes, I have lost 52 pounds and I worked very hard to do so. But I almost let it all go just to eat more.

I have a dear friend and coach who cheers me on and inspires and encourages me daily in so many ways; sacrificing herself for my benefit. I received an amazing gift of a top of the line piece of equipment, I could never have gotten on my own, as a reward for my hard work but also to spur me on. I have perfect strangers looking up to me for support and inspiration. And despite all of that, I just didn't care enough not to eat. I wanted it so I ate it. And now I'm paying the price as I try to rebuild relationships, reboot my body, re-engage my mind and spirit.

Nancy asked me why I felt I did these things, why I feel I can't lose the weight. My first response was "I'm not worth it". She begged to differ, pointing out all of the reasons I should know and believe I am worth it. And she is right. I do know that. But I think what I felt was that because of my actions I don't deserve it. I've taken people and things for granted so why should I deserve it?

Then it hit me... I'm living and acting as though I can control this on my own. I'm not giving it to God, and asking Him to help me with this burden, this thorn in my side. As Paul says in the scripture above, It is not me, it is the sin in me. Here I am, 10 months into this journey, and I'm still trying to learn things that I've been trying to learn since day 1. I had allowed myself to become cocky, and think I had it all down. And so I allowed a bite of this and a taste of that, until it became a plate of this and a cup of that. I kept telling myself that I'd be really "good" this week and then I'll get to where I want to be so I don't have to say that I've gained x amount of pounds. But that number never got to where it should have been because my actions were never what they should have been.

And here I am. On my knees. Asking for forgiveness. From my family, my friends, my Coach Nancy, and also from myself. I'm very good at beating myself up and holding myself to impossible standards. I'm trying to forgive myself, and learn from this so that in the next 10 months and beyond I can have a different story to tell. One of being an overcomer. One of achieving health and wellness (despite myself!). And one of Hope.

1 comment:

  1. When I read you blog I feel very much like I am reading something I have written myself. So much of what you are struggling with I struggle with. I struggle and then find what I *think* is the answer only to struggle again. Its truely exhausting.

    I found your blog after seeing your episode air last week. Since then I have read every single blog entry you have made so far - I feel like I know you already.

    Hello, my name is Beth and I am a food addict. Its taking over my life and I dont know how to stop it. Maybe we can help each other some how? Maybe it takes a village? Its clear that I dont have it in me to handle it on my own. If you want, send me an email - I think we can really help each other!