100th Post!!!

Well, this is my 100th post since starting this journey. :) And it's going to be a short one LOL

We just moved this week and it was killer. I have never been so sore in my life. 12 straight hours of moving left me with some strained muscles, but I'm just glad it's done. And I never want to move again!! (I say that everytime LOL)

I am still only down a total of 54 pounds. Hit some roadblocks I guess with water retention (darn that PMS) and then this week at weigh in I was so bloated and swollen I was actually surprised I didn't gain! But, I'm not giving up! I will get below 300 if it kills me!

Thanks for all the love my friends! I'm sorry I haven't been posting as much. It's just been crazy between going to NYC, then Scott being in the hospital and now the move.... Ugh, life! LOL But, I'm going strong. And I should be getting the beautiful elliptical in the next week or two. As soon as I do I'll post pics!! :)

Attempting the impossible

Nancy shared a great quote with me the other night that really hit home. She had shared it with me before, but for some reason it resonated with me much more deeply this time around. She said (and I'm paraphrasing) -- attempt something where failure is inevitable UNLESS God steps in.

The last few weeks I just could not for the life of me figure out why I was having such a hard time staying on track. I wasn't deviating from the plan, but I wanted to, and I was craving so many things that I hadn't been before. And then it hit me... Up to now I had pretty much been doing all of this in my own strength. It was the "honeymoon" phase so to speak. There was all of the excitement from the show, then the race, and so many things to distract me that I barely realized 12 weeks had passed and it was such a blur.

Now, I am feeling those hunger pangs. I am feeling those rebellious thoughts of just eating whatever I want. The novelty of looser clothes is waning... But I have to keep going.

And I realized, it's hard because I am attempting the impossible. 95% of people in my shoes FAIL. So what was so different about me? What makes me a part of that 5% who succeed?

I have a God and Heavenly Father who says that through Him ALL things are POSSIBLE. He has promised to give me the desires of my heart. But, I have to trust in Him. I have to lean on Him. I have to submit to Him.

On my own I am nothing, and I WILL fail as I have time and time before.

I cannot do this in my own strength, because my flesh is SO weak. But, through HIM I will succeed and be the woman He created me to be.

This has been very heavy on my heart because truly finding the WHY behind our eating is so very important. And once we do know why, we then have to submit that to Him or we will forever be in this death trap of emotional eating. This viscious circle of over eating then feeling guilty, then overeating because we feel guilty and on and on...

Why is it so hard to rest in the freedom He gives us? Why do I feel like I have to be this perfect person, when He tells me I'm not and that it's ok because I have Him.

Still working through this one, but enjoying the journey and all of it's revelations. :)

Filled up One Chart, Onto Another! :)

You might remember I started a thermometer type chart to track my weightloss. Well, I filled it up! On the first one I noted when I had lost 10% of my body weight. On this new one I'm tracking the percentage to my weight loss goal. My goal weight is 175 which means I have to lose 189 pounds. So, I've already reached 20% of that goal! I'm a fifth of the way there! :)

I can't believe I've actually lost more than 50 pounds. And seeing this chart really gives me perspective on where I want to be.

mini-update!

So after last weeks weigh in fiasco I am proud to say that I am back down to 312.8!! So, a little lower than before the craziness and only 12.9 pounds until I'm in the 200's!! :)

This time it really is different

As you may have read, I had an extremely difficult week at the end of January. Not just difficult in terms of what was going on in my life, but more than that, it was difficult in terms of my eating. When I weighed in last Thursday (1/28) I had gained 5 pounds! Most of that was water weight, because as Nancy pointed out, I did not eat an ADDITIONAL 12,000 calories that week. BUT, I did eat things that were not on my plan, and I also was not focusing on the "why" behind my eating.

For those of you who are panicking about the 5 pounds, rest assured, I have already dropped them and I am excited to weigh in tomorrow to see how much more I've lost. :)

The reason I titled this post "This Time is Really Different" is because in every past experience where I had a set back, gained some weight, made some bad choices, etc. I gave up. I stopped trying. This time, I got back on that horse! I really dug deep to figure out WHY I wanted to eat all those things and WHY I was giving in to the temptations at times.

The urge to eat Wendy's did not occur because Scott was admitted to the hospital. It definitely played a part, but it was not the pivotal moment. From the time I came back from NYC until Friday of last week I had been in a funk. I started a new challenge trying to break out of it, and that helped, but the second life threw that curve ball at me I buckled.

You see, I set VERY high expectations for myself. Worse than that, I perceive that others have high expectations of me, and even worse, I believe if I cannot reach those expectations then I am a failure. So all of my life I have felt I could not control anything because I was trying to please everyone else and reach these absurd (usually not even accurate) expectations and failing miserably every time because I am human. The one thing I could control, that never let me down and ALWAYS made me feel good was food. So I ate. And ate. And ate until I was 364 pounds and more 50% fat...

Shortly before leaving NYC I found out that the Oz team wants to bring me back when I get to the 100 lb mark. Super exciting! Right? It should have been, but then I found out that they were hoping it would be sooner than the 12 weeks it took me to lose the first 50 pounds. Now, there is nothing wrong with them assuming that should be possible. It is not only possible, it is highly probable! But to me, in my warped and, let's face it, tired mind :) I took to mean that all my hard work to get to this point was not good enough, and if I couldn't do better with the next 50 I'd be disappointing them. Silly, right?

It took me a very long time to acknowledge that I had taken all of that as a criticism rather than a challenge and also as a compliment because they believe in me so much they know I can do this!

But of course you know Satan has to play these mind games with me since I did go on national TV and tell 3 million viewers that I know I'm worth it! LOL

And you know what, I am worth it. And more than that, I am actually glad I had this bad week. Because it opened my eyes to the fact that I AM HUMAN! I did not get to be 200 lbs overweight overnight, and I will not be able to heal and fix the "Why" overnight either. But I'm getting there.

Getting past the bad week and going back to the plan and getting back on track was an incredible experience. I have NEVER not failed on a diet. Until now. I am a success, and will continue to be one. Even when I reach my goal weight I will have to maintain. This is not just a work in progress, but a lifestyle. And any meaningful change takes time, growth, stretching, failure, success, and so much more.

I am not anyone special. I don't have a chef or a personal trainer. I do have Nancy, and believe me I am so grateful for that. But even she will tell you that I'm the one doing the work. So if I can do this, you really can too. And if you feel you need that support like I have, get with a buddy. All of us have a friend, family member, co-worker, SOMEONE who wants to get healthier.

You really can do this! No matter how many bad weeks you or I have (and they are coming if they haven't already) we will get through them. He who started a good work in us WILL be faithful to complete it!! :)

This whirlwind we call life...

I feel like I haven't posted anything in ages, but I literally have been going non-stop for over a week now... Sunday was actually relaxing - somewhat - but then Scott's stitches ripped and we ended up at the surgeons office Monday... UGH!

Today all is pretty much back to normal. I'm back at work and life is returning to what it was pre-surgery. LOL I'm exhausted, and feel like I'm coming down with something, but I'm pushing on.

I have a lot to share as it's been an incredibly challenging, insightful, frustrating, interesting week or so.

Thank you for all of your support. The comments really are encouraging, and it's good to know that I'm not alone in this. :)