As you may have read, I had an extremely difficult week at the end of January. Not just difficult in terms of what was going on in my life, but more than that, it was difficult in terms of my eating. When I weighed in last Thursday (1/28) I had gained 5 pounds! Most of that was water weight, because as Nancy pointed out, I did not eat an ADDITIONAL 12,000 calories that week. BUT, I did eat things that were not on my plan, and I also was not focusing on the "why" behind my eating.
For those of you who are panicking about the 5 pounds, rest assured, I have already dropped them and I am excited to weigh in tomorrow to see how much more I've lost. :)
The reason I titled this post "This Time is Really Different" is because in every past experience where I had a set back, gained some weight, made some bad choices, etc. I gave up. I stopped trying. This time, I got back on that horse! I really dug deep to figure out WHY I wanted to eat all those things and WHY I was giving in to the temptations at times.
The urge to eat Wendy's did not occur because Scott was admitted to the hospital. It definitely played a part, but it was not the pivotal moment. From the time I came back from NYC until Friday of last week I had been in a funk. I started a new challenge trying to break out of it, and that helped, but the second life threw that curve ball at me I buckled.
You see, I set VERY high expectations for myself. Worse than that, I perceive that others have high expectations of me, and even worse, I believe if I cannot reach those expectations then I am a failure. So all of my life I have felt I could not control anything because I was trying to please everyone else and reach these absurd (usually not even accurate) expectations and failing miserably every time because I am human. The one thing I could control, that never let me down and ALWAYS made me feel good was food. So I ate. And ate. And ate until I was 364 pounds and more 50% fat...
Shortly before leaving NYC I found out that the Oz team wants to bring me back when I get to the 100 lb mark. Super exciting! Right? It should have been, but then I found out that they were hoping it would be sooner than the 12 weeks it took me to lose the first 50 pounds. Now, there is nothing wrong with them assuming that should be possible. It is not only possible, it is highly probable! But to me, in my warped and, let's face it, tired mind :) I took to mean that all my hard work to get to this point was not good enough, and if I couldn't do better with the next 50 I'd be disappointing them. Silly, right?
It took me a very long time to acknowledge that I had taken all of that as a criticism rather than a challenge and also as a compliment because they believe in me so much they know I can do this!
But of course you know Satan has to play these mind games with me since I did go on national TV and tell 3 million viewers that I know I'm worth it! LOL
And you know what, I am worth it. And more than that, I am actually glad I had this bad week. Because it opened my eyes to the fact that I AM HUMAN! I did not get to be 200 lbs overweight overnight, and I will not be able to heal and fix the "Why" overnight either. But I'm getting there.
Getting past the bad week and going back to the plan and getting back on track was an incredible experience. I have NEVER not failed on a diet. Until now. I am a success, and will continue to be one. Even when I reach my goal weight I will have to maintain. This is not just a work in progress, but a lifestyle. And any meaningful change takes time, growth, stretching, failure, success, and so much more.
I am not anyone special. I don't have a chef or a personal trainer. I do have Nancy, and believe me I am so grateful for that. But even she will tell you that I'm the one doing the work. So if I can do this, you really can too. And if you feel you need that support like I have, get with a buddy. All of us have a friend, family member, co-worker, SOMEONE who wants to get healthier.
You really can do this! No matter how many bad weeks you or I have (and they are coming if they haven't already) we will get through them. He who started a good work in us WILL be faithful to complete it!! :)
Weight in my Head
1 day ago