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Saturday, March 26, 2011

Full steam ahead!! :)

Since re-starting my journey, or more accurately, getting myself back in gear, I'm already down 3 pounds! It's been rough, but each day it gets just a little bit easier. Trying to make good choices, do away with negative thinking, and keep a healthy balance in all areas of my life. It really does make a difference! :)

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Here I go... Again. Day 1 :)

October 2009 was an incredible month. It was the month I was contacted by the Dr. Oz show and flew to NYC to tape a life changing segment. I weighed 364 pounds and my waist was more than 60 inches... Not a good place to be for someone desperately wanting to be a mom.

Today, I have come a long way from the woman I was that fateful October day (the 21st to be exact). I lost over 70 pounds, and about 15 inches, and then... life happened. I wasn't prepared for the emotional turmoil. Nancy constantly tried to get me to analyze and understand the emotions behind my over eating. What was I feeling in the moment? I'm beginning to see that this truly is the key to overcoming this weight struggle. I'm not there yet, meaning I don't truly understand all the whys behind my eating. But I do know that I have deep seated issue with feeling good enough, worthy, worthwhile.

Living through an emotionally abusive marriage I allowed a lot of hurt and pain into my life. I allowed it because I honestly felt that not only would I not find anything better, I didn't feel I deserved any better. Five months ago I made an enormous decision to leave that marriage. I got to the point where I knew that whether I ended up being single the rest of my life I could not live the way I had been any longer.

Since leaving I have been happier than I ever thought possible. I have discovered boundaries, and yes, even a smidge of backbone along the way. I have discovered that true love does not seek to put down but to lift up. True love brings out the best in you, it doesn't make you afraid, it doesn't make you feel worthless. True love allows you to be you as you are right at that moment.

So, here I am, five months later, realizing that health and wellness is DEFINITELY not an option, it's a necessity. I have to live healthy, and whole, and free. I can't be chained down by pounds of hurt. I know it's going to be a long road, but since I've already travelled it successfully once I KNOW I CAN DO THIS.

It's gonna be hard. It's gonna be painful. It's gonna be the best damn thing I've ever done! :)

So here's to Day 1 of the rest of my life. I've managed to keep off about 20 pounds since October 2009. And I'm taking one day at a time, one pound at a time. I'll get there. And I'll do it in a way that works for me, and allows me to be me, just healthier. :)

Friday, March 18, 2011

Where to Begin...

The Princess Half didn't happen. I didn't train, and I procrastinated and I let myself down. I've come a long way since October 2009, but I still have so far to go. It's been a year since I've been completely on board with this whole health and wellness thing and that disappoints me. How do I find the motivation, the desire, the determination?

I've learned a lot about myself over the past several months and one thing is certain. My weight does not define me as a person. I have allowed it to dictate my self-worth for far too long. I have allowed other people to use me, abuse me, take me for granted, tell me I'm worthless, and much more all because I allowed my identity and self worth to be wrapped up in my body type. Not only did I allow it, I believed it.

Here is what I know today... I am giving, loving, kind, sincere, and yes, even beautiful. I know that I am not perfect, and I am learning to allow myself to make mistakes. The most important thing I am learning is boundaries and standing up for myself. It's definitely a work in progress, but I will get there. Because I am worth it.

Something else I've learned is that food really is my drug of choice. And like an addict, I have hurt people I love because of my addiction. I'm still working on the recovery, and it is a day at a time, minute at a time kind of thing. But I am also learning that I need to reach out to those I have hurt and apologize for doing so. Most of the time it was unintentional, but there are people I have hurt intentionally though my motive was not to hurt but to test. Not that it makes it any better... I hurt them. I wanted to see how true the friendship was, and did it in a sick way rather than a healthy way. And I've lost friendships because of it.

I hope that one day those relationships can be restored... I hope that one day I can fully recover from this addiction to food. I think I'm on my way... the emptiness and void I used to use food to fill is slowly filling with healthy love and healthy choices. So there is hope, even though I feel like I've wasted a lot of time getting here, I have to focus on the positive. One day at a time.