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Friday, March 18, 2011

Where to Begin...

The Princess Half didn't happen. I didn't train, and I procrastinated and I let myself down. I've come a long way since October 2009, but I still have so far to go. It's been a year since I've been completely on board with this whole health and wellness thing and that disappoints me. How do I find the motivation, the desire, the determination?

I've learned a lot about myself over the past several months and one thing is certain. My weight does not define me as a person. I have allowed it to dictate my self-worth for far too long. I have allowed other people to use me, abuse me, take me for granted, tell me I'm worthless, and much more all because I allowed my identity and self worth to be wrapped up in my body type. Not only did I allow it, I believed it.

Here is what I know today... I am giving, loving, kind, sincere, and yes, even beautiful. I know that I am not perfect, and I am learning to allow myself to make mistakes. The most important thing I am learning is boundaries and standing up for myself. It's definitely a work in progress, but I will get there. Because I am worth it.

Something else I've learned is that food really is my drug of choice. And like an addict, I have hurt people I love because of my addiction. I'm still working on the recovery, and it is a day at a time, minute at a time kind of thing. But I am also learning that I need to reach out to those I have hurt and apologize for doing so. Most of the time it was unintentional, but there are people I have hurt intentionally though my motive was not to hurt but to test. Not that it makes it any better... I hurt them. I wanted to see how true the friendship was, and did it in a sick way rather than a healthy way. And I've lost friendships because of it.

I hope that one day those relationships can be restored... I hope that one day I can fully recover from this addiction to food. I think I'm on my way... the emptiness and void I used to use food to fill is slowly filling with healthy love and healthy choices. So there is hope, even though I feel like I've wasted a lot of time getting here, I have to focus on the positive. One day at a time.

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