The Dreaded Scale!

My scale and I have not been seeing eye to eye for some time now... I admit, I have not held up my end of the bargain as well as I should be. But really? Does it have to be so traumatic to step on a scale? Why do I equate the scale with success or failure rather than how I'm feeling physically? I feel great! I've been running more than I thought possible, I've been more consistent lately than before. And yet, I step on the scale and see that?!?

So how do I go from panic attacks prior to weigh in to just looking at the number as one data point of many in calculating my success? How do disassociate the emotion from the scale?

I know that the number is important, but I also know that it is not the ONLY measure of my success (at least intellectually I get that, but not so much on the emotional level). Ugh... Just gotta keep trying!

I am me

I find that I compare myself to just about anyone and everyone. The problem with that is that I never match up. I'm never as fast, as quirky, as funny, as cute, as creative, as slim, as perky, as (insert random attribute/quality here). I do this more than I even realize. For every instance that I recognize this behavior there are probably 10+ others I don't. It has become almost like a part of my nature.

But I'm getting to the point in this journey and in my life that I don't want to be like anyone else. I am me. I am beautiful, smart, loving, caring, giving, funny, creative, inclusive, thoughtful, and more. Before today I would never have written that, and definitely wouldn't have spoken it aloud because I would have thought it to be arrogant. But I am not arrogant, I am definitely fallible and for every one of those qualities there are others that I need to work on and improve to be the woman God intended me to be.

I am not going to lose weight as fast as this person or that. I am going to lose it as fast as I am able to. I am not going to "get it" and overcome this food addiction in the same way or time frame as someone else, but I am going to do it the perfect amount of time for me. Because I am me.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made to be just who I am. I was not a mistake. Every step I take in this life was pre-ordained by God, and I can only follow Him and do my best. I am no one else, and I answer to no one other than my Heavenly Father. Because I am me. And that is good enough.

Breaking the Guilt Cycle

This weekend was a rough one for me emotionally. I've been dealing with some issues and it's just been very tough. I tend to be an emotional eater when I feel trapped, misunderstood, and/or out of control of the situation. This weekend was no exception.

I made some very poor choices in the midst of my good ones and today I'm feeling very guilty. I think the guilt is because tomorrow is weigh day and I don't want to disappoint Nancy or myself. I am still trying to figure out how to change my thinking toward food when I'm in the middle of an emotional "crisis" and all I want to do is eat.

It really bothers me that I can't just do it already. It seems simple enough... follow the food plan Nancy and I created for the week, exercise 5 days minimum, weigh in and see results... I can't seem to just do it though. I know the issues are deeper than that, and that if it really were that simple no one would be obese... and yet, I expect myself to do it because I know how to do it.

I want to be more positive and cut myself slack, but then I worry that if I am too lenient I'll just let myself do anything, but I don't want to be too hard on myself, and so they cycle continues.

I need this. I need God to open my eyes and heart to the true "why" and to help me walk in freedom from this addiction to food. I obviously can't do it on my own, and it's really hard to let it go.

Actions speak louder than words

In my last post I told all of you that I wanted to run some 5K's and build up to February's Princess Half Marathon. Well, I'm not just talking about it! I signed up for the October 17th Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K and have pledged not just to run, but to try to raise $100.00 for the cause. I also signed up for the  Florida Hospital Celebration Health 5K & 10K on November 14th. I am running both for a total of 9.3 miles! Kinda scared, but excited too! Lastly (for now at least) I officially signed up to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon on February 27th! Very excited about this one, and know that WHEN I accomplish it, it will be absolutely incredible!

The best part of all this "talking" about running is that it has led to other people wanting to train with me and join me in the Race for the Cure 5K! My mom and I are going to do the Couch to 5K training 5 days a week (since we only have 4 weeks instead of 9 this works great) and my brothers girlfriend is going to do 3 of those 5 days with us. We're all going to do the race together! I'm so excited!!! I have a little support group going.  :-)

Once I finish the C25K I also have a half marathon training regimen I am going to start. My mom may join me with that too which would be awesome! If you have any tips on gearing up for a race I would love to have them!

So far, my actions are matching my words. As I finish these races and achieve my goals, they will definitely be much louder! :)

5K's, 10K's, Half-marathons... Oh my!

Lately I can't help thinking about why things feel so different in terms of weightloss than they did when I first began this journey. Obviously a big one is that the "honeymoon" stage is over. :) Can't really fix that, but, there are other things. When I was in my first 12 weeks of this journey I had very specific fitness goals. At first it was walk 30 minutes a day. Then I decided I wanted to do a 5K and so I began incorporating running into my walks. Then I found out that the Oz crew was coming and hosting my very own 5K and things got very serious! LOL

Basically, that whole time I had a goal in mind. The last several months I have had goals, but it hasn't seemed the same. I haven't had a race to prepare for, or TV appearance to motivate me. I've just had real life... and I lost some of that passion and drive because I didn't have that end goal.

Well, I do now! I decided that I am going to run the Race for the Cure 5K. Last year when Scott and I walked it I had just come back from NYC and the beginning of my new life. I told myself that day that next year I'd run it. Well, it's next year! So, I'm going to train to run that 5K.

My biggest ambition is to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February. This is very scary for me. You have to keep a 16 minute mile or you get "swept". Also, if I don't train seriously, I'll be setting myself up for failure. I am worried about investing all this time (and money) and not finishing, BUT I'm not going to let fear stop me! I'm going to run it and I'm going to focus on the finish line.

In preparation for the half marathon I'm heading over to Track Shack tomorrow to have a gait analysis done and check out the shoe wall. I'm in desparate need of new running shoes so I'll be purchasing a new pair ASAP.  Also, in addition to the Race for the Cure, I've found some local 5 and 10K's between now and the half marathon that will help me to prepare physically.

My confidence is, quite honestly, not that high. I'm hoping that by accomplishing some of these smaller fitness goals my confidence will soar back to where it was and beyond. Since the honeymoon is over, I have to figure out how to make this my daily life because that's the only way I'll be truly successful!

It's all in your head...

From Day 1 Nancy and Dr. Oz have said this weight loss journey would be a mental shift as well as a physical one. I thought I knew what they were talking about, and in some ways I guess I did. I knew that my eating was more mental than physical, but I didn't realize how much I was subscribing to the whole "just eat less and work out more" mentality.

If that's all it took, I'd so be there! But it's not that simple. Yes, in order to lose weight you have to eat less calories and exercise more. But the only way to do that with long term results is get to the bottom of WHY you are eating in the first place. I still haven't cracked that one for myself, but I'm starting to.

I like to eat to deal with stress, insecurity, anger, bitterness, and fear. Notice a trend? It's all negative! When I'm happy, joyous, celebratory, and calm my mind does not wander to food. I usually want to share that time with my family and loved ones. When I'm feeling stressed, insecure, angry, bitter, scared, etc I want to be alone... and I want to eat. ALONE. I do not like to overeat in front of people. I actually don't like eating in front of people in general.

When I'm feeling down I withdraw and I turn to food. I thought this was because I found comfort in food, but I've realized that is not the case... I find solace in food that I am what I thought I was. A failure, worthless, and undeserving of happiness. I have struggled with self-esteem for most of my life. I have definitely gotten better at valuing myself and realistically acknowledging that I am worth while.

But in my darkest times, in my saddest moments it feels as though all those things I know to be true about myself fly out the window. And so I eat. And confirm the fact that I'm no good. And then I feel worse, and eat some more, and the hoplessness and vicious cycle continue.

This weekend the Lord showed me that I do deserve to be happy. He created me. And He makes no mistakes. He wants me to rejoice and be joyful no matter my situation or circumstances. In my darkest times and in my brightest times I am to worship Him and rejoice.

And it struck me... I need to learn to be content. In the moment. In any situation. I need to be content and greatful for all that I have been given. Only then can I know true joy. Being skinny won't make me happy. Being a mom won't make me happy (as hard as that is to say). Only He can bring true joy and I need to derive my joy from Him.

Turn it around!

I realize my post yesterday only shared the negative side of what I've been facing. I want to take a few posts to show you what I'm doing to turn those negatives around! Today I'm going to address the first two of my saboteurs!

1. Not Following the 5 Rules: Dr. Oz advocates that there are 5 foods to avoid to achieve and maintain a healthy weight and lifestyle. No sugar, no high fructose corn syrup, no trans fat, no saturated fat, and nothing enriched.

If you have ever looked at labels you will notice that the majority of processed foods have all of those ingredients! That's because they make the food last longer on the shelf, and of course make it extra tasty. :) It takes some time and some digging to find the foods that do not have those in the first 5 ingredients, or even at all. But it's so worth it! I firmly believe that my cycles got normal so quickly because I eliminated those from my diet. These days I have added a little here and a little there, but I need to get back to basics!


2. Eating Out: My husband and I really enjoy eating out. That can be hard when you're trying to learn how to eat healthy because the temptations are right there for taking! What I've found that helps me is to plan ahead. I would decide where we wanted to go and then look online for the nutritional information. Now, I'm not so sure how accurate the information is, but I figured it was better than nothing. I would find 2-3 options that I could choose to enjoy so that once we got to the restaurant I would be prepared. Lately I've just ignored my inner voice and ordered whatever I wanted regardless of the nutritional value. To combat that, I'm trying to eat out less, and cook more.

Now, if your schedule is anywhere near as crazy as mine then cooking every day is not only overwhelming, but near impossible. So, I decided to try an experiment this week with my cooking. On Sunday I was in a cooking frenzy! I prepared Scott's and my breakfasts (egg white omelets) so that all we had to do was heat and go in the mornings. I also made huge pot of lentil soup that I portioned into individual servings for lunches. And then I made 4 nights worth of chicken, prepared with a yummy coconut milk sauce, for our dinners that I would serve with a frozen bag of veggies. This way, my cook time was about 15 minutes tops, rather than 30-60 minutes every night. Since we don't get home until 930pm, this was a lifesaver! We're still working on the dinner thing though, because that's just too late to be eating a full dinner. But I'll let you know what I come up with!

Slow and Steady Wins the Race... right?

Nancy told me from Day 1 that I would need to take baby steps in order to make giant leaps in health and wellness. Slow and steady wins the race! But even "slow" implies forward movement and progress. For the last 8 months I've hovered around the same 10 pounds, gaining and losing, gaining and losing with virtually no forward movement or progress. I've learned a lot, but now I need to start applying what I've learned.

Nancy had me come up with the Top 10 Things Keeping Me From Success. Usually when I get these type of assignments I struggle to come up with half of what I've been asked. But this time I knew I needed to get to the bottom of this, and I put a lot of time and prayer into it and this is what I came up with in literally about 10 minutes:

10 Reasons I’ve Not Been Successful
1. Not following the 5 Rules
a. No Sugar
b. No HFC Syrup
c. No Trans Fats
d. No Saturated Fats
e. Nothing Enriched

2. Eating out (and making poor choices)
a. Chicken Philly
b. Ice Cream
c. French Fries
d. Mushroom Swiss Angus Burger Meal (McD’s)
e. Frappuccino’s
f. Goldfish, chocolate, candy, chips,

3. Not being honest
a. I gained another 3 pounds this week and weigh 313.8 as of this morning… but I led Nancy to believe that I was in the 290’s for several weeks…(*it's taking everything I have not delete this bullet
b. Tell other people, and Nancy that I have been doing well, that I’m eating what I should be when I really have not
c. Binging, and not exercising.

4. Not being vigilant/consistent
a. Waiting until day or two before weigh day to be “good”

5. Not focused
a. Made excuses to eat/not exercise

6. Rebellious (want what I want when I want it)
a. Not even emotional, just the thought would strike and I get mad I “can’t have it” so I’d either eat it anyway or binge on something else until my craving subsided

7. Not writing down everything that passes my lips (out of sight, out of mind)
a. I really thought I wasn’t being that “bad”… but the scale showed otherwise, and I know had I written down everything I would have been shocked.

8. Lack of portion control (not measuring, taking seconds, etc)
a. I would both take the correct portion size and then go back for more, or I would just take what I wanted and ignore the fact that it was too much.

9. Not having “emergency” foods on hand to combat the munchies/cravings
a. With moving I allowed my fruit and veggie supply to dwindle and had no carrots or celery to munch on and also very few veggies to add to lunches/dinners to bulk up my meals.

10. Not having and/or not following a daily meal plan
a. Even when I had meal plans I did not stick to them 100%
b. Feel like “I’ve got it” and know what I can/cannot eat… but failing to plan REALLY is planning to fail…

It's difficult to share this in it's entirety because it is the raw, real, honest truth of how I've been operating the last several months. I am very ashamed of my actions and behavior, particularly the dishonesty to the one person who has been by my side since day 1 cheering me on.
 
Since then, Nancy and I have been going over these one by one and coming up with practical ways to change each of these sabatogers into success builders! My nature is to be so hard on myself, and I'm working on that too. I cannot change the past, but I can make decisions today that can make me successful one minute, one hour, one meal, one day at a time.
 
As a sweet friend reminded me, the mind and thoughts are very powerful. We need to take EVERY thought captive to the Lord, and we need to redirect our thoughts from the negative to the positive. My goal today is turn each negative thought around and come up with a positive replacement so that I am living in TRUTH rather than in guilt.