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Monday, December 7, 2009

Day 47

I ran for a full 60 seconds today!!!! I'm so proud of myself. I've been trying to work up to 60 seconds for about a week and a half now. LOL I knew running would not be easy, but my goodness! Even having walked 30 minutes every day since the show aired I am finding it tough to progress to jogging. But I'll get there!

I wanted to talk a little bit tonight about my struggle with infertility... I have not shared much about this with many people, and even the ones I do share it with usually get an abbreviated version. Yesterday was a tough day for me. The pain and sorrow of not being able to get pregnant is always with me, but some days are much easier than others. Since the show I have been joyful with the new found hope I have in knowing that my weight will no longer be what is preventing me from being a mommy.

The holidays are incredibly difficult when you long for a child of your own. Christmas is such a child-like holiday with all of the arts and crafts, caroling, and anticipation of Santa. :) The last few days I have felt that familiar twinge of sadness in knowing that Scott and I would be celebrating yet another Christmas without a child of our own. Everywhere we go there are reminders that our arms are empty...

We were watching "My Sisters Keeper" yesterday and it just hit me. I want to be a mother! I want to create a little one with a piece of me and a piece of Scott. I want to laugh and cry and worry and celebrate and make traditions and do all of those things you do when you have kids. I have begged God to take away this desire if it was not meant to be because I just cannot give it up... I know I was created to be someone's mommy. And my heart is breaking with the pain of not being able to live that purpose... You would think watching a movie about a family going through the unimaginable pain of having a terminally ill child would make me think twice about having a child. LOL But it didn't have that effect on me...

Saturday night Scott and I were watching my beautiful niece Ally and she was just too precious. She was clinging to Scott, sharing dinner with him, playing with him, watching Spongebob with him and just enjoying her fun time with Uncle Scotty. :) Seeing my husband with her was incredible. He was having such a good time teasing her, and playing with her, making her laugh, and cuddling with her. He is going to be such a good Daddy... I want so badly to give him a child of his own to do those things with...

I know that there are so many couples who know exactly what my husband and I are going through, but it is a lonely, painful, and even shameful, experience. I want to break the stigma attached to infertility. I am not ashamed of this experience! It has brought my husband and I closer together. It has allowed God to reveal Himself to me in so many ways. My prayer is that when I am at a healthy weight I will be able to conceive a child, experience pregnancy, give birth, and realize my dream come true... I know that God may have other plans, but I am doing my part by getting healthy--both physically and mentally--and I am trusting Him to do His part. I think that is the hardest part...


  1. You stated at the end, "And I think that is the hardest part." Just throwing this out there..what is? Is trusting God to do His part the hard thing? I ask myself that same thing. I let myself look at past failures and want to know basically, whose fault was it? Of course I know God does not fail and so it must be mine. But if I can do nothing apart from Him, am I really believing He WILL do this in me? Or am I still grabbing back the reins and thinking, this time I will get it right?

    I am praying for you, Amy. I am praying you will be able to experience the beauty of motherhood. But I am praying first that you will know the freedom from this bondage that God wants you to have! Trust. Believe. Do your part, as I prayerfully do the same. You can do your part, and He WILL show up and do His!

  2. I too have been and am on the road of infertility. I lost 25lbs last year and now am at a healthy weight. I spent lots of months with infertility treatments and tests. In the end they told me there was no reason that they could find that I was not becoming pregnant. I know your feeling of devastation, and the longing for something that is so intense it feels like your world is over. Amy I have found that through this experience I have learned like you to rely on God much more for strength and determination. I hope you find some peace about having a baby as I have found. I just know that when I do have a baby of my own (whether biological or adopted) all this love I have been holding in my heart will make me that much better of a mother. I know your anguish, heartache and the feeling of loss over something you never really had. God is with you Amy, he has a purpose for you and a desire to see you happy. He will not forsake you, but his time may not always be our time. Be patient and let your heart continue to grow with love for the children you WILL have.