I'm looking forward to weighing in tomorrow, even though I still have that little seed of apprehension. :) My body has been changing so much, not only in size and measurement, but also internally. It's very excited to "see" those changes that are invisible to the naked eye in addition to the obvious changes of losing pounds and inches.
When I first watched myself on the show about a month ago I cried. Not tears of joy, but of sadness and shame. I was so embarrassed by how I looked. About a week ago I watched the show again with my dad (he hadn't seen it yet) and I could see such a difference in myself from then to now. It was actually encouraging to watch it! Not only could I see the difference in my face and body, but I see a difference in my spirit.
I had allowed my weight to defeat me and keep me down. My heart was so burdened by self-loathing and self-hatred that I had lost sight of who I really was. I am daughter of the most high God. I was knit together in my mothers womb, fearfully and wonderfully made. No matter my weight, no matter my circumstances I am lovely and chosen and beautiful. Yes, beautiful.
What saddened me while watching the show a second time was not the fact that I let myself get so big, but that I let myself lose sight of my worth. It was a viscous cycle of eating, guilt, eating, guilt that only got me fatter and sadder.
I don't want to go back there again! I feel so much more alive! I have bad days still and life happens like it always did, but the hope that I had lost is back! I have a joy that I never knew before, even in my "thinner" days. I am doing this, and I am succeeding, and I am worth every bit of it! Whether I slip up and eat a piece of chocolate, or an extra bowl of rice is not what is important. The journey is what is important. The learning that comes from those slip ups is what matters.
And I've been learning so much about food and what it does to your body and how your body uses it and stores it that I've found myself being turned off by some my most favorite foods. I knew trans fat was bad, but oh my goodness! It's disgusting! And sugar is basically only in your system for a short while, but the after effects are very long lasting. So it's been interesting, and I'm looking forward to many more interesting and exciting days ahead full of learning and knowledge. Because knowledge really and truly is power.
I'm Not Sure I Can Do This
2 days ago