Day 13

Two weeks ago tonight I was walking through Times Square with my mom enjoying NYC and looking forward to taping my segment on Dr. Oz the next afternoon. I was also wondering how in the world this was going to work. I knew that by going on the show I was going to have all of America aware of my deepest, darkest insecurity: my weight.

Now you might think, how could it be a "secret" that I was overweight? LOL It's not like I could hide the fact that I am 2.5 times the size I should be. But, I never talked about food. I rarely ate the foods I loved, in the quantities I loved, in front of anyone but my husband and family. Food was my addiction, it was my friend, it was always there.

But that is not the deepest, darkest secret... The most powerful revelation I made on the show is that I am not able to get pregnant because of my weight. I am allowing food to stop me from realizing the one dream I have lived for my entire life. And the worst part is, I knew what I needed to do to achieve that dream and I wasn't doing it.

Food gives me pleasure. I love to eat, and I love to eat big. Two weeks ago I would have been mortified to type those words out. Today I know that I do not need to be ashamed by the fact that I enjoy food. Food is yummy, it's comforting, it's celebratory, and inviting. But, like anything enjoyable, it can be addicting.

I used food not for nourishment and fuel, but for comfort and acceptance. I spend just as much time worrying about what people are going to think of me and whether or not they will accept me just as much as I think about food. I could not disappoint food. I could not be let down by food. It was always there, and it was consistent.

What I'm learning through all of this is that I had made food my idol. It had taken the place of God in my life. By giving up the control of food, and not allowing it to control me, I am finding a peace unlike any I've ever known.

Don't get me wrong, life is still hard and crappy things are happening left and right just like they always have. But instead of turning to food for comfort, I am turning to God. I am turning to my family and friends and allowing people to help me. I am strengthening and deepening my relationship with Christ in ways I never have before. And I'm also allowing Him to work in my life through other people He has put in my life.

By being transparent and sharing my struggles, wants, desires, and downfalls I am not only helping myself, but helping others as well. I am getting the support and freedom I need. And I know that my dreams will come true when I let go, and let God. I can't control what goes on in my body, but I can control what I put into it and how I treat it. My body is a temple and I am finally beginning to see it as such. I want to be a "living sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true" inside and out.