Tomorrow is weigh day and once again I find myself a bit apprehensive. Logically I know that I have done what I needed to do to see the number go down. I have stuck to my plan, ate lot's of veggies, drank gallons of water, had no sugar (still), and exercised... So, logically speaking I should have lost weight this week...
Why do I doubt it? Why do I feel that inevitably I'm going to fail? Or at the very least, have a major set back... Why is it so hard for me to believe that I can do this, and am in fact DOING IT.
For one thing, failure in dieting is all I've ever known. It's kinda scary to think that I might actually succeed this time. It's scary to hope that I will be thin, fit, and healthy. But the scariest thing is to hope that when I do lose the weight, AND I WILL, that I will actually be able to get pregnant.
This week I have noticed that fear has become a constant in my life. The Word of God tells us to "Fear not, for He is with us"; "He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of a sound mind". I am fearful of so many things: losing my job, making a mistake, looking stupid, being fat forever, not being a mommy, never living up to my potential, missing out on everything or anything.
I know that a lot of this is because I like to be in control. When I don't let God have control (as if I could ever take it from Him) my only option is fear because how in the world can I possibly be perfect? I can't think of every possibility, I can't make people think a certain way or treat me a certain way, I can't control the economy, and no matter how careful I am or how hard I try I will always make mistakes.
So, even though I know all of this, how can I be so irrational as to continue doing it? I've begun reprogramming my mind towards food (in ways I never thought possible), and now, I must begin reprogramming my mind towards myself, or my weightloss will be pointless.
If I hate myself because I'm fat, and I'm fat because I hate myself losing the weight is not the answer. I need to lose my current mindset and replace it with the love and grace of Christ. For he (or she) that God sets free, is truly free indeed.
10 Years of This
2 weeks ago