Day 28

Tomorrow is weigh day and once again I find myself a bit apprehensive. Logically I know that I have done what I needed to do to see the number go down. I have stuck to my plan, ate lot's of veggies, drank gallons of water, had no sugar (still), and exercised... So, logically speaking I should have lost weight this week...

Why do I doubt it? Why do I feel that inevitably I'm going to fail? Or at the very least, have a major set back... Why is it so hard for me to believe that I can do this, and am in fact DOING IT.

For one thing, failure in dieting is all I've ever known. It's kinda scary to think that I might actually succeed this time. It's scary to hope that I will be thin, fit, and healthy. But the scariest thing is to hope that when I do lose the weight, AND I WILL, that I will actually be able to get pregnant.

This week I have noticed that fear has become a constant in my life. The Word of God tells us to "Fear not, for He is with us"; "He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of a sound mind". I am fearful of so many things: losing my job, making a mistake, looking stupid, being fat forever, not being a mommy, never living up to my potential, missing out on everything or anything.

I know that a lot of this is because I like to be in control. When I don't let God have control (as if I could ever take it from Him) my only option is fear because how in the world can I possibly be perfect? I can't think of every possibility, I can't make people think a certain way or treat me a certain way, I can't control the economy, and no matter how careful I am or how hard I try I will always make mistakes.

So, even though I know all of this, how can I be so irrational as to continue doing it? I've begun reprogramming my mind towards food (in ways I never thought possible), and now, I must begin reprogramming my mind towards myself, or my weightloss will be pointless.

If I hate myself because I'm fat, and I'm fat because I hate myself losing the weight is not the answer. I need to lose my current mindset and replace it with the love and grace of Christ. For he (or she) that God sets free, is truly free indeed.