It's interesting how the mind works. For many years I had convinced myself that the reason I couldn't lose weight was because of the PCOS. Like the best lies, this was partly true. PCOS does make a person more prone to gaining weight, and makes it infinitely more difficult to lose weight. This is especially true if you are eating sugar and refined carbs as the PCOS causes insulin resistance.
I had also convinced myself that the only way I would be the size I wanted to be was to have gastric bypass surgery. This scared me to death. I know the surgery can be successful, and has helped many people come from the brink of death to living a healthy life. I just couldn't convince myself that it was the right choice for me.
I told myself even if I did give up sugar and refined carbs and started exercising I would still be unable to lose weight. I half committed to countless diets over the years and would lose a little here and there, but would ultimately end up gaining more than I had lost. Which to me was proof that diets don't work for me. I could justify every bite, every sip, every day that went by without activity...
For the first time I'm proving myself wrong. I used to think that in losing weight and getting fit I would be able to prove to EVERYONE that I was worthwile and that I could do it. What I'm realizing now is that I needed to believe it myself. For so many years I have put myself down, thought I was fat and ugly, unredeemable, worthless...
I was looking at pictures of myself over the last 10-15 years and I was shocked to realize that I looked healthy up until about the time I graduated highschool and into my early 20's. All those years I had convinced myself that I was fat, that I was ENORMOUS. When I looked in the mirror at 10, 13, 16 years old all I saw was a chubby, whale of a girl with no self control and no worth.
It breaks my heart to look back at all those years I wasted being so consumed with worry about what other people thought of me and wallowing in my low self-esteem... Why is it so hard to believe that we are good, that we are worthwile, that we deserve to be happy and are perfectly fine just the way we are?
How it must break the Lord's heart to hear how we talk to ourselves and put ourselves down. We are fearfully and wonderfully made... knit together in our mothers womb... every hair on our head has been counted... Who are we to say that those hairs should be straighter, or curlier, or fuller, or thicker? Who are we to say that we should be taller or shorter? When we do that we are literally telling God that He made a mistake. When we tell ourselves we are worthless we are basically spitting in the face of our Creator.
This is not to say that we should not strive for health and wellness. God wants us to have balance in our lives. When food becomes our obsession we lose focus on who we were created to be. The same is true of money, pride, etc etc... In finding that balance we need to feed our bodies nutritionally satiating foods that fuel it well. We need to exercise and work towards being fit so that our bodies are better able to perform and handle day to day life.
I still struggle with all of this. I still want to eat everything in site. Some days it is so hard not to raid the fridge. Even though the only foods I'll find are good for me, binging even on those healthy foods still causes the same response in my brain as it would if it were pizza, burgers, fries, soda, and desserts. I'm still trying to figure out why I want to eat like that. Some days I can determine the root cause, other days I'm baffled...
I started out calling this the journey of my lifetime not fully appreciating the fact that it literally will take me a lifetime. I know that as I get further and further into the journey my struggles will be less and less, but they will still be there. I will continue to train my mind and body so that I am stronger and better able to resist all the temptations, but the temptations will still be there, and I'm ok with that. :)
I'm Not Sure I Can Do This
2 days ago