The show aired today and it was a very interesting experience seeing myself on television. I have watched the show many times, and in some ways it was like watching someone else. And then I realized that it was someone else. I am no longer that person. Three short weeks later I am a completely different person.
It has been a very emotional evening for me. I didn't expect to feel so sad tonight! I thought I'd be celebrating, but instead I was feeling shame and embarrassment. How did I let myself get so out of control? How did I let it go so far? I could not get over how HUGE I looked!
But then, I realized how far I have come since that day. The day we taped the show I knew I had to change, but I had no idea how I was going to do it. I didn't feel any different afterwards. I didn't all of sudden have more will power. But I did have faith. I knew that if I gave this struggle to the Lord He would see me through. The difference this time around is that I LET GO OF CONTROL.
I am not that sad, hopeless woman watching her lifes dream slip away because she couldn't stop eating.
I am strong, and getting healthier day by day. I know that with every day that goes by I get stronger and healthier. I have already come so far, not just in weight and size, but mentally and spiritually as well.
Seeing myself on that day, at my lowest point, hopeless and full of fear, I have found a renewed sense of joy, peace and hope. God is so good, and He has already brought me so far in such a short time.
So while I feel that twinge of sadness, I know that I will never again be the person I was three weeks ago. And three weeks from now I will be even further along in this journey, and three weeks closer to realizing my dream of being a mommy.
I will be a mom. I was meant to be a mom. And I will no longer be an obstacle to my own dreams and goals.
I'm Not Sure I Can Do This
5 days ago